Something Lighter, If You Will

I wanted to do something fun today. I'm doing ok and appreciate everyone's comments, love and cyber hugs. I met some girlfriends for sushi and bubbly last night and it was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off things. A little laughter, or a LOT, was just perfect. Today, I thought it'd be fun to do one of these silly meme's. I usually don't love posting these, but, eh, why not try to lighten it up around here!

Tag - Stuff You Didn't Know

Stuff you didn't know about me and now you do.

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? ONLY on a wedge salad. Strange

2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yes

3. Do you own a gun? Nope

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops? Nonfat Iced Vanilla Latte (decaf depending on if we're trying for baby or not)

5. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of love/hate...really only like them in crescent rolls

6. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Mimosas, or Bloody Mary's (hey, it said "prefer")

8. Can you do push-ups? Yes, go easy on the plural though

9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Wedding ring

10. Favorite hobbies? Poking Bailey when she's sleeping until she gets mad at me, or annoying my husband until he gets mad at me and then spending the rest of the night trying to get them both to love me again by asking..."do you love me?"

11. Do you have ADD? This morning I have checked Facebook no less than 30 times, tried to plan a vacation, fixed a resume, submitted a resume, read other people's blogs, looked on twitter, tried to win a trip to Florida on the radio, and now blogging.

12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? That I have ADD.

13. Middle name? Marie

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? Need sleep, need aspirin, I am hot but too lazy to take off my fleece

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, wine, diet orange sunkist

16. Current worry right now? That I need to make a placement soon!

17. Current dislike(s)right now? My headache

18. Favorite place to be? Anywhere by a beach/water

19. How did you ring in the New Year? At Stanton Social in NYC with some good friends

20. Like to travel? LOVE to travel

21. Name 3 people that will complete this? JJ, Alicia, Dana (k, that was a cheat)

22. Do you own slippers? Bailey just chewed them a couple of weeks ago

23. What color shirt are you wearing? Blue-green

24. Could you make it 39 days on Survivor? I'd love to just go on there for the weight loss program, but couldn't make it if they didn't let me bring tweezers.

25. What song do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower

26. Favorite girls names? Not telling

27. Favorite boys names? Not telling this either

28. What's in your pocket right now? lint

29. Last thing that made you laugh? My friend Quinn last night at dinner

30. Worst injury you've ever had? Tore my ACL in high school, which also ended the ol' volleyball career

31. Do you love where you live? Depends on the season

32. How many t.v's do you have in your house? 2

33. Who's your loudest friend? Hmmm...Tara?

34. Does someone have a crush on you? Yes! (Right sweetie?)

35. What's your favorite candy? I love candy, but reese's peanut butter cups?

36. Favorite sports team? DA Bears, or Illini Basketball

37. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Passed out

39. What's your favorite holiday? 4th of July

40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Getting my act together and getting some work done

March 4th

One year ago today I was in a very bad place. I remember every minute of it, every second. I wish I could erase from my mind those thoughts, but I never will, unfortunately. At this time last year I was drugged up so badly I could barely speak. I remember watching tv, not being able to eat all day. I remember that we had to be back at the hospital at 2pm. I remember crying all day, with small naps in between. I remember driving to the hospital with Kevin, not speaking a word, but so out of it from the drugs that the roads looked like giant waves that we were riding, instead of the highway. We got to the hospital to meet my parents. They looked like the well dressed middle aged couple out of catalog drinking their coffee. If you took a second look into their eyes you would have seen a whole different story. I went up to them and we hugged a little longer than normal, and I wanted to start crying. No tears came, again the drugs, and we went up to our floor. We filled out some paperwork, and soon enough I was taken back to the room. We called the chaplain in, and said a prayer for Nicholas. An hour later I woke up, no longer pregnant, no longer with my sweet baby, and no longer looking forward to July 7th.

Today is not as hard as I thought it might be. Days just come and go, without too much fanfare, or excitement. The pain is no longer stabbing my heart, but the pain is dull and still a force. It's usually hidden deep down so I can get on with my life, but everyone once in a great while, it bubbles over.

It feels like it was 5 years ago that we said good bye, not 1 year ago. And for that I'm thankful.

2009 is moving along somewhat ok. We had our IVF cycle, which I found out yesterday did not work. I am once again, heartbroken. I picture our little girl with curls and a spunky attitude. I picture a little boy with ears that stick out a tiny bit and has a more serious, yet funny, disposition. I'm not sure at this point, we will have babies with our own DNA. That thought scares me, but it is not unexpected afterall we have been through. I'm not sure right now what our future holds, but I'm not going to let this get me down. We are going to keep plugging along, and for today, get past March 4th.

M&M in Jello

Had my transfer today. They transferred 2 blasts that the doc said look really good! So far we have 2 blasts for freezing, and are waiting to see if some of the others are good enough to freeze...apparently, they are little slower than the others.

I am actually at work for a few hours today. I sit at a desk all day, and don't lift, run, swim or do anything that could hurt these little guys. My RE doesn't really believe in bedrest, just taking it easy today. And besides, a yoga instructor told me once that the embryos are tucked in their so tight, it's like putting an M&M in jello. It's not really going to move anywhere.

After I avoid my boss for another 3-4 hours, I'm going home for some good quality couch time, and have my own little Fat Tuesday party. Maybe Bailey will get an extra treat tonight before she starts her fast tomorrow (I kid).

Thanks so much for all your prayers and positive thoughts. We need them now more than ever, and we are so grateful! I have my beta next week, so until then...

No Fun This Friday Folks

Have you ever had that feeling that you were hit head on by a bus, and left for dead, in 25 degree weather, but eventually some pour sole came upon you and saved you. And you had no choice but to go on living and breathing, and going back to work, but you still felt so miserable, you kind of hated that pour sole that found you? That's kind of what I feel like right now.

Yesterday I had my egg retrieval. We got there bright and early, and waited in the eerie waiting room. The new IVF office we are going to does its retrievals in a general surgery office. So no longer were we waiting with other infertiles of the world, but people there for plastic surgery, or general out patient procedures. As I was walked back to my room (yes, I had my very own room!), I saw some man with bandages on his nose, some other women my doctor was talking to, and an older gentleman probably there for a colonscopy or something. I got into the room, changed and got snug as a bug in the bed, feeling nervous, anxious, bloated and just looking forward to the good drugs. Kevin came in and sat with me before I was taken back to the surgical room. He had a whole other room he was visiting, and I'm guessing his was more fun than mine.

The retrieval went well and apparently they got 35 eggs from me! I woke up feeling woozy, and in a whole helluva lot of pain. So I received more good drugs. And then some more. And then I felt nice and woozy and in my happy place again. Finally, we were released to go home and I got dressed and walked out to receive my final instructions. I got hot, and started to see the room sway. Kevin caught me (thanks hon) before I made a smashing hit to the floor. Back to the room for a little rest before we were on our way again. This time when we got released the nurse gave the instructions while I was in bed, and a wheelchair was brought in so they could take me to the car in style. It's funny, when I went to see my aunt I took a little ride in her wheelchair while she took care of some business in her room that I didn't want to be privvy too. And here I was, legitimately going for a ride!

I got home and napped, and once I woke up, that's when I felt like I couldn't move anything in my body. Hence feeling like I got hit by a bus. My belly looks like a 4 month pregnant woman's and the rest of my body is just all over sore. Today I'm feeling tons better, but still pretty off. I picture my ovaries to be the size of softballs right now.

Got my fertility report today and the doctor called me himself. I almost started crying because when the does actual doctor call you himself? He told me that out of the 35, 25 eggs were mature, and 18 have fertilized. I'm pretty excited that we have a good amount to work with, but as always, cautiously optimistic. I know life all too well. My transfer will be on Tuesday (doc only does 5 day transfers), so won't hear anymore until then. We only need one!!

Have a great weekend!

Battered and Bruised

This IVF cycle is kicking my butt. It's leaving me battered and bruised and tired and cranky. I am so tired I can barely function, and have so little energy that washing a dish has moved it's way on to my "big accomplishment" list right now. I am a pathetic excuse for a wife, doggy mama, worker. But I will keep going. This is the longest I have ever been on stims and I just hope it all works out in the end. And if it does, at least I will be prepared for how tired some pregnant women claim to be.*

I had the day off yesterday and went to see my aunt in the hospital. She had knee replacement surgery about a week ago, and before she was getting released, the doctor noticed some blood clots on her lungs. It was good to see her, and I realized as I was chatting with my mom and my aunt in the tiny hospital room, that my aunt and I don't often just sit down and converse. She was actually cracking me up the whole time, so it was good to see her in great spirits. She will be fine by the way and should get released today or tomorrow.

My aunt also adopted my cousin nearly 40 years ago. She had numerous miscarriages and finally went to Catholic Charities. Soon after, she brought home a beautiful baby girl. After a couple of months of having my new cousin home, she got pregnant and it stuck. Then she got pregnant again, so she had 3 kids total. They were always the cousins that were closest to us. We talked a lot about adoption yesterday. The ins and outs. How open adoptions are so common now. It was kind of strange talking to her about something we've never really talked about. Sure, growing up we always new my cousin was adopted, but I had never heard the story from my aunt.

It was nice to chat with the ladies in my family. I like where we are at right now with starting our family. I like that I don't have to keep secrets about IVF or the fact that we're trying to get pregnant. I like that people know adoption is a possibility and the response is overwhelming. I think our friends and family want to turn us into Brad and Angelina and have us adopt from around the world. But it's all positive, and right now, it helps, and it's all I can ask for. I would also like to ask for the quarter size bruises on my arms from where they draw blood to go away, but I won't push my luck.

*I was never overly tired when I was pregnant, and I never really understood when pregnant women claimed to be so tired they had to sleep at work. I think this IVF cycle is karma having some fun with me.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Not a lot going on to chat about! Valentine's Day is tomorrow and we are doing a whole lot of nothing for it. I will probably find my teeth nice and fuzzy with a delicious bottle of wine on Saturday. Happy Valentine's Day!

Don't Get Used To It...

...just get pregnant.

Last week I had to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound for IVF. The nurse stuck me with a needle, and I cringed a little. She said that no matter how great your veins are (I always get complimented on my great veins...I'd rather someone say my butt looks great, but hey, I guess I should take what I can get), that it's still a needle and still hurts. I said, "well, I should be pretty used to this by now." She looked at me and said, "well don't get used to it, just get pregnant." I ran out of the office as giddy as I could be at 6:45am and told my husband what she said.

I guess I have grown cynical, or perhaps just realistic. I'm not even sure of the difference anymore. I want to be so excited for this IVF cycle, and I want it to work. But after 4 tries, and losing a baby...what should I feel at this point? The other night Kevin said he was excited for this cycle and had a good feeling about it. I cut him off before he could get the words out because I didn't want to hear it. I have this weird thing about jinxing it, but also, I don't want my hopes to get so high the crash hurts all that much more. I guess it's my way of protecting my heart.

As I mentioned yesterday, we were at a concert this past weekend, and the they sang a new song "I Believe." (not "Faith" as what I thought the name of it was). It kind of stopped me in my tracks when I was listening to it. I want to believe and I want to have faith, and even though it's a daily struggle, I try to do my best. But the nurse giving me a boost of confidence helps. The band singing this song, helps. I take it as little signs, but also keeping in mind, that it might not be a sign for what I'm wishing for at that moment. It might be a sign for something different, and I've learned to accept that.

A girl on my IVF board said a couple of days ago that "it's not our responsibility to judge God's clock." I'm not a very religious person, but I liked this. And even though I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to happen or God to decide when/where, I believe that most of life is our reaction to things. So even if this cycle doesn't work, I still need to keep up my positive attitude and believe that we are destined for great things.

I will close with a line from "I Believe" that I love...

"I have got to take the best of me and keep that heart alive
Why'd i ever want to shut that down and kill my soul?"