Fat & Tired

This weekend what a whirlwind of excitement! It was non-stop filled with fun, eating and drinking and spending time with family.

Friday, I had gotten some tickets to go to Oprah! Having lived in Chicago for the past 10 years, I thought it was time that I finally went. I had never been, even having friends who have worked there. My sister and mom picked me up, and we headed to breakfast. After eating enough to sustain us until at least 3pm, we headed over to the studio. We got there early, but they were letting people in, so it was fine. Plus I wanted to try to get there a little early so we try to get better seats. After we arrived, and a cavity check (kidding, but not far from the truth), they ushered us up into a room where we sat. And sat. And sat some more. After waiting for 2 hours, we finally got to enter the studio. At this point we still did not know what the show was going to be about, but upon entering, we saw lit up on the backdrop the title. We'll have to wait until it airs, but it was a pretty great show. Afterwards, the Divine Miss O sat and talked to the audience for about 30 minutes. This was probably my favorite part! She is gracious, humbled and funny, and everything you'd think of her to be like. I love her. I really think that if she met me, we'd be friends, and maybe her, me and Jennifer Aniston could all go out for a bite.

The show finally ended and we had been there for almost 5 hours so we were hungry. Since it was my mom's birthday the next day, we headed to Afternoon Tea at the Peninsula. It was just what we needed to unwind. And the champagne didn't hurt either. It was a perfect end to spending some times with my favorite ladies.

Saturday we met my family out for an Italian dinner at a nearby BYOB restaurant. Another delicious meal and great wine. We had tickets to see a band at Schuba's. Ran into an old college friend, and had a blast. The night ended all too late, and we had to be up and moving for the White Sox game on Sunday. Kevin had gotten the suite through work, and that's just not something you pass up. More eating and sipping some bloody mary's, and a great game.

I am fat and tired after my long weekend, but it beats being skinny and having too much energy because we didn't do anything. It's weekends like this you realize you are blessed with what you do have in life. And even it takes these old bones all week to recover from the debauchery it was well worth it.

Don't Get Used To It...

...just get pregnant.

Last week I had to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound for IVF. The nurse stuck me with a needle, and I cringed a little. She said that no matter how great your veins are (I always get complimented on my great veins...I'd rather someone say my butt looks great, but hey, I guess I should take what I can get), that it's still a needle and still hurts. I said, "well, I should be pretty used to this by now." She looked at me and said, "well don't get used to it, just get pregnant." I ran out of the office as giddy as I could be at 6:45am and told my husband what she said.

I guess I have grown cynical, or perhaps just realistic. I'm not even sure of the difference anymore. I want to be so excited for this IVF cycle, and I want it to work. But after 4 tries, and losing a baby...what should I feel at this point? The other night Kevin said he was excited for this cycle and had a good feeling about it. I cut him off before he could get the words out because I didn't want to hear it. I have this weird thing about jinxing it, but also, I don't want my hopes to get so high the crash hurts all that much more. I guess it's my way of protecting my heart.

As I mentioned yesterday, we were at a concert this past weekend, and the they sang a new song "I Believe." (not "Faith" as what I thought the name of it was). It kind of stopped me in my tracks when I was listening to it. I want to believe and I want to have faith, and even though it's a daily struggle, I try to do my best. But the nurse giving me a boost of confidence helps. The band singing this song, helps. I take it as little signs, but also keeping in mind, that it might not be a sign for what I'm wishing for at that moment. It might be a sign for something different, and I've learned to accept that.

A girl on my IVF board said a couple of days ago that "it's not our responsibility to judge God's clock." I'm not a very religious person, but I liked this. And even though I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to happen or God to decide when/where, I believe that most of life is our reaction to things. So even if this cycle doesn't work, I still need to keep up my positive attitude and believe that we are destined for great things.

I will close with a line from "I Believe" that I love...

"I have got to take the best of me and keep that heart alive
Why'd i ever want to shut that down and kill my soul?"

The Day After

I always tell my husband that the worst day of the year is February 9th. It's the day after my birthday, and it's on this day, I know the fun is over. I don't even think it sounds nice, not like February 8th anyway.

My past few birthdays have been just ok. I always tell myself I want to do something grand, but then my birthday rounds the corner and I get all modest, and we just go to dinner or something. Well, last year I was pregnant, did not like where we went to dinner on my bday and was ready for this year to be better. It's all apart of my the best for 2009.

We started the weekend off by going to Cowboy Mouth at the House of Blues on Friday with some good friends. Well, my best friend really since 5th grade. We love going to see Cowboy Mouth in concert...it's about the most high energy show I've ever been to. It was a great show...the best part for me was when they sang a new song called Faith. The words really hit home for our next chapters in life, and I felt like he was singing it to me. If it wasn't for feeling like my eardrums were blown out, I might have shed a tear...but I was about 1/2 def at that point anyway.

Saturday after fighting my migraine (hmm...wonder where that came from?) I went to get a manicure/pedicure at one of the nicest salons in Chicago. I had a nice gift card from Christmas, so after 2 hours of massaging and painting bliss, I finally made it home. We were going to head to a restaurant for dinner, but we were both not feeling so great, so we just ordered Chinese food, and made it an early night. Not even going to say what time we went to bed, it's embarrasing.

Sunday Funday, the big day! We met up with my best girlfriends for brunch, and had mimosas and Bloody Mary's. It was a beautiful day in Chicago and it was great to be around my friends. For the past few years we haven't done anything for our birthdays and we decided that was ridiculous. It doesn't take much to get together. After brunch, we went to see Slumdog Millionaire. It was an amazing film, and I think it will win best picture this year.

Finally ended the day with flowers (pink gerber daisies), chocolate cake and homemade pizza! Do you ever have one of those birthdays where EVERYONE remembers. You get cards, emails, phone calls. This was one of those birthdays, and it was a great one. Thanks to my husband for making it a special one. I've said it before and I will say it again, 2009 is going to be a great year.

Love is Free

We were at the Sheryl Crow concert with some friends this past Sunday (it was the weekend for concerts apparently). My girlfriend has 2 little ones, and knows everything about our struggles to have a baby. It took her 8 months to conceive her first, so she knows the pain of not being able to conceive. I call her my “new friend” because we have known each other for years (at least 15), and we have just recently become good friends.

After many, many, many bottles of wine on Sunday we thought we’d be cool and go buy some “glow” items. A glow necklace, a sparkling glow ring, a light-up glow wine glass, a cowboy hat and $50 later, we were ready to go! As we walked around, people were actually applauding us, and yelling, “good for you!” I didn’t realize we had put on such a show. Kevin saw us walking back to our seats and in his head was ripping on the “high school girls who got drunk and bought out the gift shop.” Then he realized it was us. Hey, its summer and I’m doing IVF in a few weeks, so I can have some fun. Unbeknownst to me, my “new friend” had bought us a baby onesie from the Sheryl Crow collection. The onesie has “Love is Free” scrawled across it (the name of her tour). It is one cute onesie.

Ever since we’ve started trying for a baby, I’ve had a rule that we can’t buy anything for the baby. I didn’t want a failed month to go by and see all the books or clothes for a baby lingering in the guest room anxiously waiting for an 8lb owner. Even when I was pregnant I didn’t really buy anything; it just never felt right. So when she presented us with her gift, I was surprisingly happy. She gave it to us and said, “It WILL happen, and I want to see the baby wear this when it does.” Or something to that affect, like I mentioned, there were many empty wine bottles around us.

For so long we had hid our secret of not being able to have a baby. Besides, it’s not really cocktail conversation. It makes people uncomfortable, unless they have experienced something similar. Throw in a pregnancy loss at 5 months, I start to see men pulling at their collars and women avoiding eye contact. But now that we’ve been pregnant, the secret is out, and the support from friends and family has been amazing. It really takes a tragedy to realize what great family and friends we have. After spending more money that we thought possible on having a baby, I’ve come to realize that at least the love is free, and we’ll take it.

Slow Down...Life's Too Short

Monday after work, I hopped in a cab to go home. Since we were at a concert on Sunday night and I was still feeling the repercussions of sleeping less than 6 hours and drinking enough wine the night before to put Robert Mondavi to shame, I treated myself with a ride home.

We were about 2 blocks from my work traveling on the very busy Magnificent Mile when a girl ran across the street trying to beat the light before it turned green. As I sat in my stuffy cab trying to decipher my cab driver’s Jamaican dialect, I saw this young woman get hit by a car. Thankfully, she did not look seriously hurt. I could see her leg was slightly injured, but she was standing up and talking to people…glaring at the car that hit her. Everyday I see people trying to beat the light, sprint to the train, take the fastest elevator. I get it…I’ve done the same, but is it so worth risking your life?

Last night, Kevin and I went to a concert at a pretty small venue in Chicago. We saw Amos Lee, and it was pretty unbelievable. I could almost reach out and touch him. After our long drawn out weekend with family in town, a concert on a Monday night did not sound like the best option in the world. But once we got there, we became transfixed on Amos Lee. The man knows how to sing. For 2 hours, we stood in one place and listened to the soothing tunes of Amos and his band. For those 2 hours, I did not want to be anywhere else. Even on a Monday night. We haven't been out and listened to "new" music that not everyone has heard of in a long time.

This summer has been about slowing down, and trying to appreciate the good things and what I do have. It has not always been easy. I can not always turn off the pain in my mind and heart like I’d like to. I can not snap my fingers and have everything in life that I would like. But if I have learned anything these past few months, it is that life is so precious. That nothing is worth launching your own self across Michigan Avenue during rush hour to make any train, dinner date or spinning class. It is about slowing down, and spending time with family and friends and just being in the moment.