Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Holidays are finally upon us! It's officially my last day of work until January 5th, and I couldn't be more excited about it! I was all set for Christmas this year, shopped early, presents all wrapped, but now suddenly I am stressed out. Oh well, I suppose that means I will be drinking some extra wine. Perhaps a little "drunk blogging?" I kid, though that could be kind of fun :) For Christmas this year, we'll be in Chicago with my side and Kevin's family is coming in as well. We are heading to New York City for New Year's, and I'm so excited! I will give a proper update once we return.

I leave you with the holiday card I sent out this year. Sorry if you didn't get one, they were pricey little suckers, so now you can enjoy.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, your families and be safe!

Friday Fun

Ok people...time for some fun again. We received about a foot of snow in Chicago, and no one is at work today. And Christmas is 6 days away! Holy!!! I have one Christmas gift left to buy and I know exactly what I'm getting, just need to get my butt to the store to buy it. So all in all, I'm doing great :)

Here's a fun Friday video for all of you. Beyonce's video Single Ladies has been getting a lot of play, and spoofs too (Saturday Night Live...I kept that on the DVR for at least 2 weeks and watched it every single night at least once for those 2 weeks, Kevin was really excited to see it over and over and over again). But here's a "cute" spoof...just click on the picture below.

Enjoy!

Baby 2009

Last night Kevin and I finally started the conversations which I'm going to now refer to as Baby 2009. I've even made a folder in my hotmail account with the same name to put all my emails for doctor appointments, etc. I like it...Baby 2009. In terms of how we are going to proceed with Baby 2009, we have decided to go check out 2 new clinics to chat with these doctors to see what they say about us doing IVF again. If they don't have much to offer us, then Baby 2009 will be coming from another mama's womb, and that's ok too. So I was feeling pretty good about our progress. I already have these 2 appointments set up for early January, and will sign us up for an adoption class as well to keep the ball rolling. Then my friend called...

About 2 weeks ago, one of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend and my girlfriend and I went over to her condo to help dry the tears and soothe the broken heart. Before we got to my broken-hearted friends place, we stopped at Starbucks where my friend ordered a decaf coffee. Her ordering a decaf coffee is like Britney wearing underwear. It doesn't happen. We got to my friend's place and she probably went to the bathroom 2-3 times in an hour. So I had my suspicions, but I was nursing my own broken heart of our failed IVF cycle, I didn't really care. Well, last night, she called to tell me her good news. Her GREAT news!

I couldn't be happier for her. I think any baby conceived (naturally on their first try, just sayin') is a blessing. A miracle. I wouldn't wish this horrible journey we're traveling on anyone. But really, first try? Naturally? She was having problems in her marriage about 4 months ago too. But like I said, I really am happy for her, but it's like a reverse scale. As my happiness goes up for someone else, my sadness and want increases more as well. And I am sometimes just pelted with how much our situation sucks. As much as I try to remain positive, sometimes a little elf of negativity, depression and pain sneaks its way in.

I hate that little elf. He's mean, and selfish and zaps all my energy. I think I need to kick him out and move on...once again...and concentrate on Baby 2009. Unfortunately, that's a little easier said than done today.

Early Christmas Gift

Do you remember when you were younger, or in college, or even now I suppose, you'd ask your mom what she wanted for Christmas and she'd respond, "my family to be home and everyone to be safe, healthy and happy." My mom would answer like that often, and I'd roll my eyes and ask what she really wanted because I couldn't very well wrap that up and put it under the tree. She then would always say leather gloves.

As I get older and family and friends become more and more important I can see why she always answered that way. I am now fully understanding wanting all your family in one place to unwrap brightly wrapped gifts, drinking eggnog with Christmas carols playing in the background. This Christmas I feel that way with our insane year, and with Kevin having been gone for 2 1/2 weeks. I just want him home, not on the other side of the world and I will get that wish today!

There were so many low points and unexpectancies this year. But I think to round out this year, it will be a happy one for so many other reasons. I will have Kevin back for the holidays. I will have my crazy Bailey, who continues to melt my heart every day. I will have my parents who were there for me when I was at my lowest this year. My sister and brother-in-law who are now back to their old selves, and I'm praying that soon, they will be introducing us to their new addition. I have spent really great quality time with my girlfriends, nursing broken hearts and turning into a marriage counselor. I also spent time with the girls who have known me since the 4th grade, and it's those women in your life that you can just be. No expectations, no pre-conceived notions. You can say the dumbest thing that has ever escaped your lips, and they just laugh with you.

So this year I feel as if I'm blessed in so many ways. I'm blessed with people, with friends and family. My early Christmas gift is coming home early tonight and I couldn't be more excited!

P.S. A special shout out to my friend Jaime! Congrats on your early Christmas present! Guess he just didn't want to miss Santa this year. :)

Inspired

I was searching this morning for some Friday Fun. I was looking for funny cartoons for the season, or a funny joke about wine hangovers...ummm...what? Who has a wine hangover? I couldn't find anything worthwhile, so I started to go through my blogs that I check every morning (right sidebar pretty much details where I go to check on friends or people I'd like to call my friends).

I was AMAZED when I read Matt and Madeline's blog this morning. I got chills and if I wasn't so dehydrated I might have shed a tear as well. As most people who read my blog know that I read Matt's blog regularly. His wife died the day after having his sweet daughter Madeline. Now he and a bunch of people he didn't know one year ago are trying to find some good in the world by paying it forward. I haven't really done anything in terms of charity work this holiday season, and have been looking for a great cause to donate some cash, or buy some toys for children who need them. But haven't gotten off my lazy butt to do anything yet. But now I am inspired.

So please take a look at Matt's blog today (www.mattlogelin.com), and hopefully if you haven't done anything yet this holiday season it will inspire you as well. There are so many great causes and even though times are tough right now, and cash flow is scarce, most of us are a lot better off that many people.

Be inspired!

A Hot Mess

After my sad sad sad weekend, things started to turn around for me this week. My hormones came down to a human level, after feeling like I could move a car with the amount of progesterone I inject into my body. I made some phone calls and made a few appointments for our baby journey in January. I weighed myself yesterday and was stunned at the number. I am only about 4 lbs away from my pre-IVF/pregnancy weight. Granted, my body needs some major work, but at least I'm going in the right direction. I also made it to the gym yesterday. Let's not forget Kevin is coming home on Monday, I have my company holiday dinner tonight at my favorite restaurant in the city, and I am seeing my oldest friends on Saturday at a "party" at my house. I've been friends with these girls since the 4th grade, so it's always good to see them. Thought I'm the only with without kids (they all now have at least 2), I always look forward to seeing them.

Yet, even though things are looking better I've been extremely scatter brained this week, which is unlike me. On Tuesday, I showed up for my dentist appointment at 3pm, and checked myself in. As soon as I said my name I had a flashback of my calendar on my work desk and could "see" I had the wrong day...I was supposed to come in on Wednesday. They couldn't find me in the system, and I played dumb. They were very kind (I love my dentist's office), and took me on Tuesday anyway.

Also about 2 weeks ago, I got some weird rash on my eyelids. I thought it was just dry skin, like eczema, so have been trying my own apothecary treatment (never a great idea). Finally, yesterday it was getting worse and moving down my face so I made an appointment at my dermatologist office. They had an opening at lunch so I hopped in the cab to make my way to 310 EAST Superior. The cab left me at some strange looking building, and I knew something was not right. I wandered around looking for the office, finally called 411 to get the right address and was back in a cab in minutes going to 310 WEST Superior. Arriving 20 minutes late, they thankfully let me stay as well. Not only feeling like a total moron, but I have a freakin' rash on my FACE! It's the holidays people, and I can't wear eye shadow, I had to take off all my nail polish and have some cream with steroids in it that I have to put on that makes my eyes feel like I lit them on fire. One hot mess.

Despite all this, I still feel better this week. I did not ask for this journey. I did not ask to become a spokesperson for pain, infertility or late term pregnancy loss. I did not ask to not get my only dream I have ever had since I can remember. But I have all that, and I'm dealing. I'm not sure I will leave behind this hot mess phase, as I plan on drinking my fair share of wine and champagne this holiday season. So the happy, hot mess is sure to continue, and I'm very ok with that.

Cheers!

Looking Forward to 2009

2008 has not been my favorite year. There are a few years in my life I can look back and wish I could kind of wash over them. Forget they ever existed. I had a particulary bad year in college...another bad year right around graduating 8th grade into high school. I have my diary saved from those times, and always around December of those years I was looking forward to putting that particular year behind me.

2008 will go down as one of those years. I admit, it has taught me many things, but sometimes, I don't care about the lesson. I just want a family, a bigger family with bare feet running through the house, and dirty finger prints on the refrigerator. I don't care if I'm supposed to learn patience, or to not take the things in my life for granted. I don't take anything for granted, especially after 2008.

Yesterday, my mom came to the city so we could do something fun together. Since Kevin is still away for another week (will it ever end?) and my dad was leaving for a business trip Sunday night, she came down and we went to the Museum of Science and Industry to see the Christmas Trees from Around the World. It was great, because we didn't feel like shopping and spending more money, and it was fun to do something different. We walked in and it could have been the worst idea EVER as I felt like I entered Disney World with the amount of kids running around and babies crying. I toughened up and we walked around to see the Christmas trees.

The trees are pretty amazing, and it was fun to learn about what other countries do for Christmas. I was surprised to learn that many countries don't really exchange gifts until January 6th, when the 3 kings came to visit Jesus. Kind of makes sense...they gave gifts, so that's when you should give gifts. Just opened my eyes to how other countries spend the holidays and what traditions they have. I was also surprised to learn that many countries really do a lot for St. Nicholas day as well.

Reading the descriptions I also found that many countries believe in a deep cleaning of the house, children, bed linens, etc, before Christmas. I laughed at one country because it said, they believe the kids should get a good scrubbing and new, clean bed linens on everyone's bed! I love clean sheets on our bed as much as the next person, but never associated it with Christmas. Ireland believes in a deep house cleaning to wash away all the negativity from that year, and start the new year clean, fresh...and new.

As I start looking forward to 2009, I like that idea. I like the idea of leaving my negativity and sad feelings behind in 2008. I will never forget our struggle, but perhaps it's time to move on from that pain. You won't find me deep cleaning my house (Kevin would have a heart attack if he saw this happen anyway), but I think I will clean out my heart, my mind and my emotions. I think I've started this weekend with enough tears, and I think it's time to start with some new clean bed linens for 2009.

St. Nicholas Day

Last night I was updating my IVF info on the right side panel, and I typed in that my beta testing is 12/6. December 6th. St. Nicholas Day. Tears started stinging my eyes.

St. Nicholas Day, for those who don't know is the day Catholics honor St. Nicholas. Growing up we'd put a shoe outside of our bedroom door on December 5th to find in the morning it had been filled with goodies. Even when we were old enough to know St. Nick didn't exist we left our shoes out, well, I usually found a boot so it could hold more. We never stopped doing it, all the way until we moved out after college. Funny, but I NEVER heard my parents put anything in those shoes...they were just magically filled with loot in the morning. Now, nothing big, maybe some candy, a calendar, small items. It was always something fun to look forward to and got us in the mood for Christmas, as if we needed anymore excuses when we were kids.

After my sister and I left home and eventually got married, around December 6th we'd find goodies in the mail for ourselves and our husbands. The return address always marked: From St. Nick. This year, at Thanksgiving I was joking around and asked my mom if we could get a Christmas present early (gives you an idea of my maturity level). She looked at me and said..."maybe!" After dinner she brought down packages for my sister and me in bright red silk bags tied with a gold ribbon. She said St. Nick had come early this year, and left these gifts at her house. Confused, we both opened our gifts with our onlooking husbands. What I found took my breath away.

Before I was even born, my mom made an Advent calendar. She made it out of felt, and made 24 individual ornaments to put on the felt Christmas tree. I had told my mom countless times that when I have kids, I really wanted her to make me one. I can be fairly persistant, probably borderline annoying, so I know she heard me! But when we opened the gifts, out came a fresh, brand new Advent calendar that my mom had made for us. It is so identical to the one we had growing up, we were speechless. There is so much detail work with each ornament, I am amazed it came out so well. My dad said my mom would get up before work, come home after work and on weekends and work on them for us. She had been working on them for about a year (off and on). It's already hanging in my home, and I can't wait for my kids to fight over who puts each ornament up. It's one of those gifts if the house was burning I'd try to grab it on my way out (husband and dog first, of course).

So imagine my surprise when I realized that I am testing on December 6th, St. Nicholas Day. Imagine my surprise, when I think of my little angel Nicholas looking down on us, on his special celebratory day. I did name him, afterall, after St. Nicholas, Patron Saint of Children. This year, I will leave a shoe outside my bedroom door and hope to find a positive pregnancy test in it in the morning. And if I don't, that's ok too. I am still bracing for the worst, but I can tell you that no matter what...I know that by next Christmas a child will be putting those ornaments up (perhaps with a little help), or we will be on an adoption list, or my pregnant belly will make it difficult to hang ornaments. Of one of those things, I am sure.

Lawn Chairs in the Snow

The Christmas season is officially here. And we received enough snow in Chicago last night to not dispute that fact. After shoveling my car out for 10 minutes this morning I know it's not a joke by our local weather person. Now we get the pleasure of seeing lawn chairs in the streets so people can hold their parking spaces that they worked so hard to clean this morning. It's basically a Chicago right of passage and our Mayor just laughs about it.

Kevin has officially left me for China for over 2 weeks. I made it through my first few days alone with the comfort of extremely sad movies and lots of cuddling with Bailey. I think I even cried at a few commercials. It was such a nice Thanksgiving filled with lots of family and food that when he left on Saturday and my sister and brother-in-law left Saturday morning as well, I felt the instant loneliness. I think Bailey was happy to finally get some sleep and to stop licking people, but I was blue.

To fill the huge Kevinless gaps I have been decorating for Christmas (really just my Christmas in the City snow village), reading books, eating, giving myself at-home facials, cleaning, watching Britney documentaries. All the fun stuff you've probably seen on the movie Home Alone. I even started talking to Bailey like a human this morning, and she kept tilting her head from side to side as if I was the most intelligent and well-spoken person in the whole world. I think it's time to find some other extracurricular activities this week.

This morning Bailey and I woke up to about 3-4 inches of snow. I was trying to tell her all about it before I brought her outside. I finally opened the door to our deck and she just stared at all the powdery white snow covering our deck. She finally leapt out the door, as if remembering from a year ago the fun of snow. Bailey LOVES snow. She quickly ran downstairs to do her business and then started running around like she just won the lottery. She would wag her tail excitedly, running around smelling everywhere, and scoop her head down for a mouthful of snow. The snow is a lot more fun when you're with someone who enjoys it so much.

So we have officially kicked off the Christmas season and now the shopping, eating more, drinking (maybe), and counting down until Kevin returns has started as well. Those should all keep me pretty busy, but in case I get bored, maybe I will get bundled up tonight and grab a book and thermos of hot chocolate and go sit on one of those lawn chairs in the street and read.