Reconnecting & Recharging

Whenever Kevin leaves town for a good amount of time, I try to plan outings with my friends. Dealing with all that we have in the past 2 1/2 years I often pull away from them, especially the friends with kids. It's hard if I'm on fertility drugs, or waiting to hear if a cycle worked or not. I just can't go out and have a cocktail or hang out at a bar. And driving to the suburbs too see their cute families snug in their white picket fenced homes, is a little less than desirable. But I love my friends, and I love our friendships, so I must step up to the plate and put my own feelings aside. Since Kevin has been in Dubai for the past week and not coming back until Wednesday, it was time for me to do exactly that.

On Thursday I met my 2 best friends out for sushi at a new trendy restaurant downtown. We completely lost track of time and before we knew it, we had been there for 3 hours! It was great as we all spent literally about an hour talking about what is going on in our lives...and it's interesting because we are all at different stages. One friend is pregnant (first try, and she was having marital problems right before she got pregnant...I've made peace with it and am SO happy for), (oh, she's moving a couple of blocks from us, and don't think I don't plan to be there every day after work to hold that preciousness). My other friend is not married, and dating a man who has commitment issues, making her a little neurotic. And, well, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you know what I contributed to the conversation. It's a friendship I treasure greatly, and am so thankful to have them in my life.

Today I am heading to do some shopping with my mom. Whenever Kevin is away, my parents make ME hang out with them. It's really cute that I am 32 and they are still watching out for me. My dad even called yesterday to see if he could meet us for lunch.

Tomorrow I am getting up early to work out with my oldest friends (since 4th grade). My friend has some free passes at a swanky gym downtown, and then we are heading out to the suburbs to have brunch with the suburban constituent of these friends. During college and the years proceeding, we all kind of went our different directions, but somehow we all came back together. We get together about once a month for brunch, dinner, or board game playing and I'm amazed that I am still with these girls.

When Kevin's gone, it's a time to reconnect with others in my life. It's a time to recharge not only my batteries, but my relationships as well. I know I'm not always the best friend that I can be, but all of these people in my life won't let me go. If it weren't for them, all of them, and their unique personalities and traits, I might not have come out from my dark place, or may have completely lost my mind. But then again, who wants to miss sushi, shopping and brunch?

Death of a Java Queen

Dear Mr. Coffee,

I miss you and your services. I can not stop thinking about you, and I want to cry for what we used to have.

See, I know of lot of people who have gone through IVF and assisted reproduction methods and they have given up coffee and caffeine entirely. One blog I read she said she packed up the coffee pot all together when she was going through IVF. That made my heart hurt just a little bit, because no one should have to pack up their coffee pot. I mean, I'm ready to turn tricks in our alley just to have a sip, with CAFFEINE, not that crap ol' decaf people try to pass off as real coffee. But I am now on day three of not having you, and still counting the hours, minutes, seconds, since we were together.

As you can tell, going without my daily Dunkin' Donuts is making me cranky. Don't get wrong, in our past IVF cycles I have cut way down on coffee, maybe just having decaf and perhaps a diet coke in the afternoon. Not so this time. No cheating here. I've gone to the other side. I've been cheating on you with your archnemesis...TEA! Oh the horrors. While the tea is aromatic in its own right, and a little smoother on my tummy, it's not you. You are one of a kind. And dammit, I miss you so.

I just wanted to write you this letter to tell I miss you. And when this is all over in a couple of months or 9, we will meet again. I will drink you with my splenda and whipped cream (so so so freakin' delish if you've never tried it) with so much love and admiration. Until then, please turn a weary eye if you see me in the alley.

Forever yours,
Joelle

Back in the Saddle

So here we are again...back in the saddle that is branded with infertility. We have some new developments and are moving along.

First, as I think I have mentioned before, we have 5 snow babies, or 5 frozen embryos, or 5 babe-sycles...whatever you feel like calling them. Apparently our RE has a 95% success rate of thawing out these babes, and a little higher rate than his fresh cycles for success. I am, as always, cautiously optimistic. We might get a couple of goes with the frozen cycle. They thaw out 2, see how they do, and if they need to thaw a couple more, or one more, they will before our transfer. I am anxious to get it underway for a couple of reasons. One, I'm really almost at the point to put a stop to this madness. Not having my body belong to me anymore, succumbing to the infertility drugs, is getting old. We started our first IVF cycle 2 years ago. And ever since then I have been on some sort of fertility drugs or pregnancy. It's a long time, too long. It's just about time to move on. But there is still that bit of hope I am holding out that it will work.

In the meantime, I am starting our paper work for a Russian adoption. This is something that I've been thinking about for almost a year now. I did some research with it, and it just felt "right." There just seemed to be little signs everywhere. It's easiest and quickest to get a little boy from Russia, and I was pregnant with a boy. We named the baby Nicholas, and obviously the babies are given Russian names, like Nikolai. Air fare to Moscow is especially inexpensive from Chicago, and every day on our way into work and on my way home, I would see a huge billboard at one intersection from American about the Moscow non-stop flight. These might seem inane to some, but for me, it all started to add up.

We have been signed up for the general adoption class at the agency that I chose, but have missed it 2 or 3 times already. I went to sign up for another one a couple of weeks ago and found that they closed the Russian program. After a mild freak out, I called my sister who is in the process of adopting from Russia (weird coincidence, I have actually been thinking about it a lot longer than her, and she is just waiting for her referral). She told me about her agency that works nationally, so that is who we'll use for the Russian adoption. At first I was kind of bummed that she stole my thunder with the whole thing...but then I realized it's probably another sign, and if we do follow through it, how cool will that be to have cousins that are from the same country? And she can do it all first and tell me what to expect. She's been telling me what to expect my whole life anyway (with high school, college, soriety rush, moving to Chicago, doing triathlons, the list goes on and on).

I am all over the board with feelings, including fear, anxiety, stress, happiness, feeling like a weight is slowing lifting off my shoulders. But mostly I'm tired. I feel like I can't sleep enough and when I do sleep it's uneasy. I think my brain and my heart are just going through some changes. I know from the bottom of my heart that everything will be ok and work out how it's supposed to. I just need to keep pushing a bit to find the answers on our journey. Thankfully, I have the best husband in the world to take this journey with, so that of course makes it easier.

So, we are at the start of one journey, and ending another. We are still unsure where 2009 is going to take us, but it will be somewhere. And somewhere fantastic.

Friday Fun

Happy Friday! This week seemed very long to me. Maybe cuz I had a sick hubby at home, or maybe because the constant monotony of work seems to be never ending. Whatever the case, it's the first day of spring, so time for celebration! Yay! Hello, Mother Nature? Care to catch up to your season?

I was thinking about vacation because I desperately need one. And since I was up since 5am this morning for no apparent reason, I've been playing on the computer. Came across our Santa Barbara photos from last September that I kind of forgot about. This sign makes me smile.

Have a great weekend, and a big glass of wine if you feel so inclined!

Luck of the Irish

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

Quiet Space

When I was in high school, we’d often go to retreats with our class at some location a few hours away. The locations were remote, with minimal distractions, and a kind of quiet that can often drive a city girl to insanity. I went to an All-Girls-Catholic High School, so these retreats were the norm since I can remember.

I remember one exercise where we had to close our eyes and someone took us through a visualization exercise. Vividly I remember that this woman asked us to find our happy place that we could escape to in our thoughts whenever we might need to. She really wanted us to think it through, and come up with some place that we had been, and that we loved, and was serene. To this day, when I can’t fall asleep because I have too much on my mind I go back to that place I thought up on that fateful day in high school. And often when I can’t get unsettlingly thoughts out of my head I sift through the thoughts in my mind to instantly go there.

I am walking on the beach in Florida, in Sanibel Island. I am wearing this wind breaker that I loved in high school, and no one else is around. I am walking by myself, and it’s pretty windy and I am just enjoying the sun on my skin, breeze in my curly hair, and soft crash of the waves. I hear an occasional sea gull. I pick up some shells every so often, but mostly, I’m just strolling. Whenever I “go here” I pretty much fall asleep instantly or just calm my nerves. I grew up going to Sanibel, almost every Christmas my family would pack up, leave the cold weather in Chicago and find ourselves planted on the beach. Every year we'd go back, I was another year older. Starting in 7th grade, I would have crushes on boys, to a high school boyfriend, to the stresses of getting through college, to finding a post college job. And finally, being able to bring my husband down with our family. Sanibel holds a lot of memories for me.

As I get older and more involved in life with work, family, baby making, I find it harder to escape to some place quiet. Perhaps that’s why I still use my high school quiet place, but it still works, so why mess with a good thing. I’ve tried using Italy, Greece or Hawaii for this exercise, but I find I just stress myself out thinking I want to go back to these places and it will be a little while before we get to go back. So I head to Sanibel Island in my high school wind breaker and jean shorts.

Lately, with the mundane winter, and blistery cold, I have found my own personal space at work during lunch. There is a huge hotel connected to my building. I have started going there almost every day during the lunch hour as a kind of escape. It’s pretty quiet, filled with business people chatting on self phones, or inconspicuously chanting a speech they are going to have to give in one of the hotels conference rooms. I find a huge comfy chair, and read my book, or just close my eyes and let the steady hum of the space clear my thoughts. I stay for about an hour and just watch business travelers, friends, families or couples come and go.

Today, I sat in an oversized, billowy chair reading my book. I kept reading the same line over and over again, because it was more fun to people watch instead of read. I finally did get into my book only to hear the subtle snores of a gentleman who had surrendered to the plush chair. I looked over at him, and he opened his eyes, seemingly embarrassed. But he just closed his eyes again and went back to sleep. I just closed my book, and packed up the remnants of my lunch to leave this man to his quiet space. But I didn’t mind, I can share a good thing when I find it.

Love Bug

Three and half years ago, I went to get a hair cut. It was getting chilly this Saturday in October, and we had just bought our new condo and were still getting things set up in our first home. We were so excited and every day Kevin came home from work there would be something new set up, or a new photo hung. This Saturday I was going to a new salon in our new neighborhood (which is scary enough). I got my haircut and decided to walk the mile or so home. I knew Kevin was at Home Depot getting some light bulbs and anything else we needed, so he wouldn't be able to pick me up. As I walked into our sparkly new home, I looked at Kevin sitting on the couch and he was pale. He looked sickened. He said, "I did something really bad." I thought, oh no, he bought a flat screen we can't afford, or he bought a ladder or something. I looked at the floor and saw that his favorite bowl (a nasty plastic orange bowl that he got out of Wheeties box when he was like 7 that no matter what you do to the thing it will just reappear) was on the floor with water in it. I walked around the couch and saw the tiniest, cutest little chocolate lab I'd ever laid eyes. I instantly fell in love.

(She was so tiny when we got her, she would hide under our chest)

We named her Bailey because we LOVE Bailey's (the liquor). Our wedding cake was also made with Bailey's (which was delicious btw). So it was perfect for our new little chocolate lab. And it sounds great whether you're screaming it, or petting her ears.

(Bailey likes to lay down on the dirty laundry while I'm sorting it...she won't get off of it)

In the past few years, Bailey has given us our full share of headaches. She has chewed our bedding, countless dog beds, pillows from our couch, shoes, brand new boots, towels, balls, toys, new furniture, old furniture...the list goes on. She got kicked out of dog boarding and we had to stop taking her to obedience classes because she couldn't sit still or stop barking. She's been sick too! She had worms when we first got her, and a couple of years ago, she got so sick that we were almost faced with that she wouldn't pull through. She has stolen raw Italian sausage off the counter when I was cooking. When you're sitting watching tv, she will run down the hall with your shoes, making you either get up, or take her out. She is oh so smart, and stubborn and completely lovable all wrapped into one.

(She almost died this day, but I was able to get a picture before I lost it)

But she has also turned into one of my strongest rocks. When we lost the baby and I was at home and Kevin had gone back to work...those were my darkest days. I needed them to be though. I needed to cry it out, all day long for as long as I needed. But every time a crying spell started Bailey would come up to lick my tears. The first few times she seemed concerned and would stare at me, but after numerous crying spells, she would come up, lick some tears and go back to sleep. She still does this if I cry.

(This is how we love her best, sleeping...but how cute...don't you want to just rub her ears?)

She seemed to sense that I needed her to be there, but also added in just enough "Bailey" to the mix so I remembered just who was boss. With every negative pregnancy test, and every tear shed Bailey has been right by my side. We've cuddled on the couch when I needed her most, just to feel a warm body next to me. But if I go into a deeper place, she doesn't let me sit there for very long. She throws herself into me, so I take her out with her ball. So that I need to snap out of it. If I'm cranky and want to be alone, I look to see Bailey staring at me, eyes penetrating to my sole, as if to say you still have me, and oh, you might want to put your shoes on take me outside with my ball.
So here's to my Love Bug, Pumpkin Munchkin, Sweets, Bails, Bailzers, Ms. B, Sweet Bailey B, Sweety Bs. I think I just embarrassed her.

The End Has No End

So what do we do after we've had another failed IVF cycle, our money is running out and we truly feel at the end of our rope? We pick up the pieces and move on. And we make a plan.

We have 5 snowbabies left from this cycle, though I don't have a lot of faith in frozen children. We've done these transfers before with no luck, so it's hard to remain optimistic. But we'll go ahead next month and unfreeze those babies and put them inside some warmth. And if it doesn't work, we also have a plan b.

So for now, we keep moving forward. We leave the past behind. We dry up our tears. We try to put some super glue on the broken hearts. We still make jokes and watch our favorite programs (24 is good again!!). We make plans with friends and have a glass of wine and some cupcakes. We grow even closer because life has so far given us a tough road, and if we didn't do it as a team, I know I'd be a few miles back at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere.

Truly, our end has no end...and whatever way we look at it, or whatever our frame of mind at the time, we must remember that is a good thing.

Friday Fun

I was going to do another post and started searching my pictures for the photo I wanted to post about. I came across this photo and thought it was just perfect for today. This is for anyone who needs a little luck today, or just a little hope.

I took this photo a couple of years ago when we were on vacation in Florida. We got to stay at Kevin's boss's house for a few days on this little island in Florida that doesn't allow cars. This house was AMAZING! It had 4 bedrooms, a huge deck, a hot tub (it was broken), and a heated pool. We went with my family and had such a great time. We'd go about our day, going up the resorts pool in the morning or going for a run, or shooting hoops. Then we'd drink copious amounts of alcohol at the bar. We'd all come home, get a cooler of beer and turn the heated pool up to over a hundred degrees and have hand stand contests. We all would then nap, and then later we would all cook dinner together, drink more wine and played clue until our fingers fell off. Kevin and I talk about that all time and how relaxed we were, and how we are dying to go back!

The first day there we went up to the roof of the house and it had just rained a bit. This is what we were welcomed with on our first day of vacation. Here's my weekend gift to you...

Something Lighter, If You Will

I wanted to do something fun today. I'm doing ok and appreciate everyone's comments, love and cyber hugs. I met some girlfriends for sushi and bubbly last night and it was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off things. A little laughter, or a LOT, was just perfect. Today, I thought it'd be fun to do one of these silly meme's. I usually don't love posting these, but, eh, why not try to lighten it up around here!

Tag - Stuff You Didn't Know

Stuff you didn't know about me and now you do.

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? ONLY on a wedge salad. Strange

2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yes

3. Do you own a gun? Nope

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops? Nonfat Iced Vanilla Latte (decaf depending on if we're trying for baby or not)

5. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of love/hate...really only like them in crescent rolls

6. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Mimosas, or Bloody Mary's (hey, it said "prefer")

8. Can you do push-ups? Yes, go easy on the plural though

9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Wedding ring

10. Favorite hobbies? Poking Bailey when she's sleeping until she gets mad at me, or annoying my husband until he gets mad at me and then spending the rest of the night trying to get them both to love me again by asking..."do you love me?"

11. Do you have ADD? This morning I have checked Facebook no less than 30 times, tried to plan a vacation, fixed a resume, submitted a resume, read other people's blogs, looked on twitter, tried to win a trip to Florida on the radio, and now blogging.

12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? That I have ADD.

13. Middle name? Marie

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? Need sleep, need aspirin, I am hot but too lazy to take off my fleece

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, wine, diet orange sunkist

16. Current worry right now? That I need to make a placement soon!

17. Current dislike(s)right now? My headache

18. Favorite place to be? Anywhere by a beach/water

19. How did you ring in the New Year? At Stanton Social in NYC with some good friends

20. Like to travel? LOVE to travel

21. Name 3 people that will complete this? JJ, Alicia, Dana (k, that was a cheat)

22. Do you own slippers? Bailey just chewed them a couple of weeks ago

23. What color shirt are you wearing? Blue-green

24. Could you make it 39 days on Survivor? I'd love to just go on there for the weight loss program, but couldn't make it if they didn't let me bring tweezers.

25. What song do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower

26. Favorite girls names? Not telling

27. Favorite boys names? Not telling this either

28. What's in your pocket right now? lint

29. Last thing that made you laugh? My friend Quinn last night at dinner

30. Worst injury you've ever had? Tore my ACL in high school, which also ended the ol' volleyball career

31. Do you love where you live? Depends on the season

32. How many t.v's do you have in your house? 2

33. Who's your loudest friend? Hmmm...Tara?

34. Does someone have a crush on you? Yes! (Right sweetie?)

35. What's your favorite candy? I love candy, but reese's peanut butter cups?

36. Favorite sports team? DA Bears, or Illini Basketball

37. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Passed out

39. What's your favorite holiday? 4th of July

40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Getting my act together and getting some work done

March 4th

One year ago today I was in a very bad place. I remember every minute of it, every second. I wish I could erase from my mind those thoughts, but I never will, unfortunately. At this time last year I was drugged up so badly I could barely speak. I remember watching tv, not being able to eat all day. I remember that we had to be back at the hospital at 2pm. I remember crying all day, with small naps in between. I remember driving to the hospital with Kevin, not speaking a word, but so out of it from the drugs that the roads looked like giant waves that we were riding, instead of the highway. We got to the hospital to meet my parents. They looked like the well dressed middle aged couple out of catalog drinking their coffee. If you took a second look into their eyes you would have seen a whole different story. I went up to them and we hugged a little longer than normal, and I wanted to start crying. No tears came, again the drugs, and we went up to our floor. We filled out some paperwork, and soon enough I was taken back to the room. We called the chaplain in, and said a prayer for Nicholas. An hour later I woke up, no longer pregnant, no longer with my sweet baby, and no longer looking forward to July 7th.

Today is not as hard as I thought it might be. Days just come and go, without too much fanfare, or excitement. The pain is no longer stabbing my heart, but the pain is dull and still a force. It's usually hidden deep down so I can get on with my life, but everyone once in a great while, it bubbles over.

It feels like it was 5 years ago that we said good bye, not 1 year ago. And for that I'm thankful.

2009 is moving along somewhat ok. We had our IVF cycle, which I found out yesterday did not work. I am once again, heartbroken. I picture our little girl with curls and a spunky attitude. I picture a little boy with ears that stick out a tiny bit and has a more serious, yet funny, disposition. I'm not sure at this point, we will have babies with our own DNA. That thought scares me, but it is not unexpected afterall we have been through. I'm not sure right now what our future holds, but I'm not going to let this get me down. We are going to keep plugging along, and for today, get past March 4th.