Treadmill vs. Hot Tub

This morning Kevin had to be at work early for a meeting so I dropped him off and decided to head to my gym which is across the street from my work. I had thoughts of just sitting in the hot tub there, or just taking a hot shower and getting ready for work. I drive to work often, and it's a valet parking lot. So I feel like I know my valet guys, and they crack me. They all have broken English so we just smile and nod a lot at each other. This morning I gave the morning valet my keys and he looked up at me, surprised and exclaimed..."you're workeeng out thees morning?! AWRIGHT!" I kind of grunted and smiled, "yes...it's a miracle huh?" He just smiled back, seemingly happy for me. At least I have the valet guys rooting me on. I ditched the hot tub/steam room idea and did some walking (let's not crazy at 7:30am with any running or anything).

Why is it so hard to motivate lately? Economy, weather, work is boring, no baby? All of the above? Most likely. I figured if I am out of a job anytime soon, I could be a personal trainer or something. I think that interview would go something like this...

Happy Friday, and have a great weekend!

I Hate the Cold

And I hate saving money, or, not spending money. These two might not seem to go hand in hand, but they certainly do...in my world anyway.

This morning I started my day out by begging and begging and begging Kevin to give me a ride to work...in the snow...in the cold...he regretfully declined. We only have one car, and he had to drive to the suburbs, which is strange it always seems he has to drive to the suburbs on snowy days.

With no ride, I left my house at 8:15am, to wait for the bus. By 8:35, still no bus showed up. I started walking down to the cab stand, which is 4 blocks down. In the snow...in the cold. I get there to see a line 10 people deep. That is never a good thing. I also see my bus (finally) fly by with no opportunity to hop on, so I'm stuck in the cab line. I've been a crazy lady trying to save money lately, so I've been taking the "El" and bus system more these days, and trying to avoid the cabs. I really didn't want to take a cab this morning, but soon it was 8:50 and I had to be at work at 9am! So I waited and waited in the cab line. I saw an ambulance parked and thought maybe if I faked fainting they'd throw me in and drive me to Northwestern Hospital which is a mere 3 blocks from my work. At least I'd get a ride and get out of the cold.

After more waiting in the line, I think I felt a tear escape my eye. I start talking to my fellow cab line peers, about how long the wait was, where all the cabs were...you know, cab line speak. THEN....we see the unthinkable. The unimaginable. We still had 7 people left in the cab line, and I was number 2! So close. A cab pulls up but stops short of the line, and a girl from out of nowhere, jumps into the cab!! Everyone in the line starts screaming "cheater!!! cheater!" at her (myself included). You've got to love Chicago. I think a few people flicked her off too. I would have but I was so cold I was losing feeling in my extremities.

Finally, after a call to my boss at 9:05am, it was my turn for the cab. I got to work to find everyone else was running late as well. I kept my puffer winter coat and boots on until noon, because I couldn't warm up.

So I hate the cold. I hate trying to save money because if we weren't, I'd just have walked down the to the cab stand, waited for a few minutes and gotten a cab. But I will not stop in my quest to save a dollar, I will just find warmer ways to do it.

Coming Clean

I've been keeping the latest and greatest of our baby journey to myself lately. As I've mentioned before, usually when we do an IVF cycle, I like to keep the details to myself. My last cycle (which we kind of said would be the last) I shared more of what was happening, but that doesn't come naturally to me. I'm a pretty private person, unless you get to know me and then I never shut up. This blog was a way to help share feelings, and also a way for me to keep on going after we lost Nicholas. Just a way to see positive, and not let myself get so down about things. And I was surprised to learn that it actually worked! When I forced myself to think positive thoughts, I found I was actually thinking them in real life. I know we're not being punished by the big guy, and I like to think that He (or She) is rooting right along for us.

We have officially decided to do another round of IVF. We had a nasty break-up with our old doctor (I kid, but it sounds better with more drama), and I found a new love right away. I hope he's not a rebound relationship because I really like how this doctor views IVF, how he looks for the latest and greatest, and I REALLY liked how organized and prepared he was for my first appointment.* I asked so many questions and I think he quickly learned that I know how IVF works better than most, and he was patient and kind and answered everything. He didn't b.s. me and say that he will get me pregnant. Which, strangely, I liked. I don't need someone getting my hopes up, I'm all too familiar with how things can sometimes only get worse.

So I will be starting this IVF cycle somewhat soon, and will share details as I see fit. Part of that reason is that I'm not ready to wear it on my sleeve. I know how fortunate we are to be able to have another go at it, and I'm also scared. I think at this point, I'm actually more scared of it working. I'm scared of a miscarriage, of a baby not growing, of something bad happening. I'm almost at the point of resigning myself that pregnancy might just not be in the cards for me. Almost. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm knocking on it's door. I'm also scared of it not working. Of having to open the next door in our lives. So, what works best for me? Stuffing it all under the bed until I actually have to deal with it. Sometimes it works in that things just go away, and sometimes it comes to bite me in the ass.

But for now, I'm coming clean. And it scares the crap out of me.

*Almost every time Kevin and I had an appt with our old doctor, he was never prepared, and didn't even know why were there. When we actually got pregnant and had that first u/s appt, we walked in so excited and he sat us down, and apologized for the cycle not working. NOT what you want to hear when you think you're pregnant and have spent lots o' money and worry on IVF treatments. We SHOULD have walked out then, but we gave him the benefit of the doubt and explained that the cycle worked!...not sure why we stayed...but I try not think about that...except, of course, for right now.

Not a Dirty Word

Today is a slow day at work so I decided to get on my new IVF doctor's website. He does everything online, and has a wealth of information on his website. He has probably 25 articles about the latest and greatest in IVF research, articles about facts and fiction about IVF, and even some popular stories we've read in the news. He posted not too long about cutting out the caffeine, tobacco (obviously) and alcohol for IVF. Well I don't smoke and have the occasional glass of wine. Going cold turkey on caffeine might be tougher though, but I think it's time I switch to decaf.

As I was reading through some of the articles, he was giving kudos to some of the celebrities who have come forward about their fertility woes. I knew Marcia Cross (Bree from Desperate Housewives) did IVF instead of going on a honeymoon just over 2 years ago, but did you know she used an egg donor? I was stunned to learn this (and slightly perplexed because I'm usually in the know of celebrity gossip). I remember reading the article in People after she had the twins, and thinking it was so great that she came out and said she did IVF. What some of the publications did not report was that the eggs are not technically hers. She has said this herself in other articles.

Courtney Cox (from Friends) is another celebrity that we know has done IVF. She recently stated that she and her husband might try for another baby, and that she'd have to do IVF again. Say it out loud, sista!

Lastly, I also just learned that Elizabeth Edwards (Jon Edwards wife) likely used egg donors for her 2 youngest children. She had them when she was 48 and 50, and 99.9% of the time, women stop producing eggs by the time they are 45. She won't admit to this, she has been quoted as saying that "it wouldn't be lady like to comment." She did say she used fertility treatments to get pregnant, just didn't elaborate. I get it though. I can only imagine how personal of a decision that would be, and something to be kept close to the vest if one chooses.

I wish fertility treatments and infertility didn't have to be such dirty words. I'd love to think of a way to unite all women to be able to be free with what is going on if they are dealing with infertility. Women come together to participate in breast cancer walks, march against gun violence or attend charity functions for spinal cord injuries. But what about our fight against infertility and getting the word out there. We don't judge women in our society for getting breast cancer, but for some reason when we know a woman is having a hard time getting pregnant the whispers ensue.

So thanks to the celebrities or women who have started the charge. Let us infertiles, IVFer's, IUI'ers, egg donor recipients and adoption choosers continue to get the (non-dirty) word out.

Florida Trip - Part 2

So you'd think we had already had all the excitement one trip could take. But things only got more interesting!

Day 3
We all woke up a little "groggy" from the beer and wine drinking the night before. I slept in a bit, and we had spa appointments at 11am about 30 minutes away. We were really trying to not spend a lot of money this trip, but I was SO looking forward to the 80 minute massage I had booked. We get our things together, head out to the car. My mom turns the key and the car is dead. Nada. Nothing. We just sit there staring for a minute. A little background on the car, my parents just bought a '97 Cadillac from a "little old lady" who lives in the next town over. They did not see the car, just couldn't pass up the great deal and my dad kept saying...I really trust this woman. Uh huh. You can probably tell where this is going. This humongous '97 Cadillac has given everyone nothing but problems so far, and now (gasp!) our spa appointments were in jeopardy. My sister called AAA, and about 90 minutes later, a big burly blond mechanic shows up. He fixes the car quickly, but we have still missed our appointments. We rescheduled so not a problem. As the mechanic is leaving, my mom lunges for his big gold necklace and starts inspecting it because there is a charm on it that she can't figure it what it was (a tow truck). My sister and I are HORRIFIED! Was she drunk or something? Who does that? He kind of looks at us, like what the hell is this lady doing? He leaves with no other inappropriate touching, we have a talk with my mom, and we head to the pool. We laid out, finally went to our spa appointments, and went to a restaurant that was right on the beach. Sat outside because gosh dammit we're in Florida and it's 20 degrees in Chicago, and we need to make this count. But it was delicious nonetheless and we headed back home.

Day 4
Got up, went for a run, and packed up our belongings. My mom was cleaning the condo and we just tried to stay out of her way, er, I mean help out. We had our flights at 5pm, so we headed back to Naples for some window shopping and lunch, and caught some of the inauguration. Headed back to the condo, waited for the cab and made our way to the airport. Checked in, we about to board and found out the windshield on the plane was cracked. They originally canceled the flight, but then moved it back to 10pm. Having spent enough time with my mom to last a few months, I went and bought enough magazines to tide me over. We then went to drink margaritas and eat our weight in chips and salsa for dinner. Waited for the flight for another couple of hours and watched this mom with 3 very young kids. The little boy (about 18 months) did...not...stop. Ever. I was tired watching him. They were hiding under the chairs (gross) and running around the corridor. I don't blame them, we were all a little punchy. I looked at my mom and said...maybe Kevin and I should just get another dog instead of...you know...have some kids. She looked at me and didn't disagree.

Finally home at 1am this morning, greeted by my pup and sleeping husband. Great trip, happy to be home.

Florida Trip

A quick round up of the trip to the Bonita so far....

Day 1
My mom and I flew in ok. the flight was fairly uneventful, accept for the 1/2 blind girl who sat next to me who kept calling people before we took off. she called like 4 people asking if they were going to pick her up, and then hang up in 10 seconds saying she needed to get off the phone. she didn't. it was weird. and her coat kept going over to my "side" of the seat. annoying. my sister picked us up, we dropped our bags off at the condo and we went to "The Fish House." as we were sitting down my mom said, "they have really GREAT fish here!" hope so, given the name. margaritas later, we went grocery shopping. laid out by the pool, it got too hot in the sun (i have a little burn) and we then got ready for dinner. my sister was in the shower and we heard a loud boom and we thought she fell on her head. my mom and i ran in there and the shower curtain rod fell, so my mom and i held it up while she finished her shower. oh so classy. had dinner down in naples, delicious. at the end of the meal, i asked for a dessert champagne. he mentioned he had rosa regale. I LOVE rosa regale! I went into a 5 minute long diatribe about how my sister-in-law had it at her wedding, and that's how i started loving it. I then went on to tell him that I bought my aunt mary a bottle one christmas but decided to drink it all before i gave it to her. i had to go buy her another alcohol that i less loved, so i wouldn't drink it again. he finally walked away. delicious rosa regale though.

Day 2
woke up, drank some tar/coffee that my mom made. didn't feel really great, but went for a run anyway. tried to do the 4 mile route, but ended up doing the 3 mile route which really turned into the 2 mile route. oh well, i tried. ran errands, new shower curtain (still not up), so we don't have to hold it up for each other anymore. that will be nice. went to get some mudslide mix for when we lay out by the pool. decided we needed a bag of ice so my mom went over to grab a bag. we look over and she took the thing and body slammed it onto the floor. on purpose. ice everywhere. she just wanted to break it up. really? right in the middle of the store? I felt like i was watching my dog try to get the treat out of the kong by slamming the thing on the floor so the treat breaks into little bits, thus coming out of the kong. she's genius (my dog) really. the 90 year old woman working there thought my mom was absolutely insane. she said if you just "squish" it with your fingers, that should break it up just fine. embarrassing, we left there and found out my mom just left the extra ice on the floor, so we drove a little faster. came back to the condo, relaxed by the pool and drank said mudslides with said ice. went for pizza at doc's and watched the sunset. played peek a boo with a 1 year old who thought i was the equivalent of elmo. after 3 coronas and lots of wine, we made it back to the car. i sat down and to hear a loud tear....hole. in. crotch. of. jeans. what to do? go out for another drink, obviously. 30 minutes later we find this hidden restaurant my sister had to find. have a drink, leave, and my very conservative accountant sister says "ape shit" in front of my mom. doesn't sound funny, but was really funny actually. back at the condo, ready to sleep. another day tomorrow...

I'm Out Like Jean Shorts

Well folks...here is some Friday Fun for you. The economy sucks, the weather sucks and I'm leaving! I'm heading to Florida for a few days. Found a ticket for $100 not too long ago, and recruited my mom and sister so we'll be making it a girls weekend. It can't come at a better time I tell ya! It's -10 degrees in Chicago making it 80 degrees warmer in Florida.

Also, if you are a People reader, pick up this weekend's issue with Patrick Swayze on the cover. There's an article about my "friend" Matt Logelin. He did respond to one of my comments before, so yes, he is now "friend" status. I'd really like to be his friend and babysit Maddy sometime, so doesn't that count? Oh yeah, Jennifer Aniston is my friend too...so there.

Have a great LONG weekend if you've got one, and Happy Inauguration Day on Tuesday!

What the f%$^ Joelle?

Last night as I sat my ass on the couch covered in blankets with my empty ice cream mug next to me, and oh yeah, having not gone to the gym, I had the Biggest Loser on tv for background noise. I hear screaming through the speakers, "what the f&$&^ Joelle? Dig Joelle. What the f*#&^% Joelle!!!" My name is not very common and is still fairly unusual, so I was stunned to hear this, stunned to look up and see an obese black woman getting screamed by her trainer Bob. I could instantly see her pain, and felt like he was yelling at me for skipping the gym! In my own defense I ran 4 miles on Sunday, and 2 yesterday with an extra 20 minutes on the elliptical. Tomorrow I plan on running at least 4 miles as well, so I'm considering this my rest day, complete with ice cream and snuggling with Bailey under blankets.

Sometimes I wish I could be a contestant on this show. Have a personal trainer and nutritionist follow me around, and literally scream in my face if I'm not doing enough sit ups or putting too much butter on my toast. I remember in high school going to volleyball practice for 2 hours almost every night. And after I blew my knee out I'd go to our community center and run on the track. It wasn't even a second thought, I just did it. Now I feel nauseous as I schlep to the gym.

Oprah's big push recently has been to live your best life and the most important thing she says to do is to put yourself back on your "to do" list. In our society, and by that I mean, the non-Hollywood society, it seems almost selfish to have ourselves on our to do list. In what is the monotony of every day life; dealing with stress, work, money, infertility, kids, pets, we often forget to think about ourselves. OURSELVES! We need to remember to put ourselves back on the list by taking a bubble bath once a week with candles and good book, or a yoga class, working out, or just giving ourselves an at home facial. I have already signed up for an indoor mini triathlon in February and that's what I'm doing to put myself back on the list. Since most of us don't have the luxury of quitting our lives and being a contestant on the Biggest Loser, we need ot put our own selves back on that to-do list!

Now I leave you with my new favorite contestant on the Biggest Loser...Keep pushing Joelle! Do me proud, G!!

Through Someone Else's Eyes

I'm an avid reader of Matt's blog about his baby and his wife, Liz, who died the day after she gave birth to their baby. I think about them often, at random times in the day. I think a lot about Liz. We were the same age, both grew up in the Midwest. She was a runner and did Team in Training once through the Leukemia Foundation. I did Team in Training once. I think we probably would have been friends had geography been on our side. Last night when I couldn't sleep I thought about why I think we'd be friends. I finally realized it all came down to Matt's writing about her. And it's Matt's perspective that we all have gotten to know Liz so well. I could have hated her or not gotten along with her, but through Matt's eye, I think she was one pretty cool chick.

That got me to thinking about how we are all perceived through other people's eyes. Usually, when we read blogs, we are reading a first person account on the trials and tribulations about infertility, dealing with cancer, or being a mom. But rarely do we get to peek inside someone's sole about their loved ones (excluding all babies). So rarely do we get to really learn about someone's personality and idiosyncrasies through the eyes of someone else. This dynamic was interesting to me.

I thought about how I'd be perceived through Kevin's eyes, or if my parents or sister were to write a blog if I were no longer here. What would they say about me, and what would be the things that they would remember the most? As we all strive to be the best that we can be, would I be happy with their account, or even think it's accurate? Would they think I'd be really laid back in a certain situation, but if it had actually happened I would have probably freaked out?

This all came full circle last night. Sundays are usually my day to go all out and cook a dinner...usually one that I haven't tried. It could probably be more accurately described as just putting questionable food on our plates and destroying the kitchen, but I enjoy it nonetheless. Of course I got a migraine and had to make some revisions to the meal because I just didn't have the energy for what I first planned. I told Kevin all of this and he responded something like..."I KNEW you weren't going to end up making that big of a meal." I thought...really? I am making it, just not the whole shebang. But it is also totally like me to scrap the whole thing and order a pizza, too. But I have big visions and sometimes lofty goals, so at least I'm trying.

Obviously, it's tough to see ourselves through someone else's eyes. And we probably will never really see what that other person is thinking. All we can hope for is do our best and live the lives that we think best and hope others just love us for who we are, and perhaps a little bit of who we strive to be.

Ease Up A Bit

Lately I haven't been sleeping all that well. I come home so tired and am in bed around 9pm. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think it's catching up on sleep from our holidays and also stress. I'm stressed about money, about IVF vs. Adoption, about money... So after writing the post on Wednesday, I felt I came off a bit harsh. We all have excuses, and I started driving myself crazy thinking about one excuse after another I think I wore myself out. I was reading another blog I check often and she posted the following a few days ago. It really hit home, and I decided to just...ease up a bit on myself.

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.' He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.''

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. ''So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. ''Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.

So my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Remember to fill your senses with something uplifting: Music you love, a gorgeous sunset, a really great meal, passionate kisses, a heart to heart conversation with someone you care about.
*Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
*If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
*If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
*It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
*Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
*It's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
*When everything 's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
*Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
*Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
*We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

No Excuses

I know I'm a little late with New Years Resolution post, but I figured it would give me some time to see how I'd do with my New Years Resolutions. I often don't make a resolution, or if I do, something fairly easy, like work out more.

Since I would like to forget 2008 for the rest of my life, I know 2009 is going to be the most phenomenal year. Have I mentioned this yet? Well it is. Enough said.

For my resolution this year, I wanted to concentrate on 2 things. Getting back in shape, and getting rid of those negative things in my life...or things which bring me down. My first resolution has been to get rid of the clutter in my life. This is all encompassing, but what a great resolution is has been for me...and even fun! First, I've cleaned up our tivo and got rid of tv shows that I should not be watching, or shows that put me in a place I don't want to be. I'm still watching tv, but cutting down on the tv watching is forcing me to read more, play with Bailey more, or work on projects. I have gone through our condo and gotten rid of trinkets and chochskies. Getting rid of useless things, and even things I was just getting tired of looking at, like candle holders, etc. I've been cleaning out drawers, and cabinets. It feels great. And it's on-going. I also think it looks nicer just having that cleaner feeling.

My second resolution is tougher I am finding. It's to stop making excuses. I encourage you to take a day and see how often you make excuses. Excuses for not going to the gym (work late/tired), excuse for not eating healthy (I will start tomorrow), excuse for gaining weight (infertility treatments). I often make all those excuses, and I am tired of listening to myself. I am tired of feeling out of shape because of the "infertility treatments." Or making any excuse under the sky to avoid the gym. Or even smaller things. Not calling a friend (I'm not a phone person), or not meeting friends out for drinks (I usually say I don't go out on Fridays). I've been at the gym 2 days this week, and signed up for a mini-indoor triathlon in February. It's still tough though, I think I made some new cuss words as I trudged to the gym yesterday. It was the last place I wanted to be...but I did it.

2009 has been about taking back ownership of my life. Enough with the excuses of infertility...yes, it sucks more than anything, but I am tired of using that as an excuse for everything in my life. This month I have 2 new IVF doctor appointments and a meeting for adoption at the end of the month. Something's going to happen, and it feels good.

I'm back, and taking my life back. No more clutter, no more excuses.

Lazy Tourist

I am back from my whirlwind holidays and trip to New York. New York City has a vibe that is like no other city in the world. I feel equally chic and hip, mixed with totally frumpy and fashionably out of touch…like I just caught a flight in from a tiny town in Montana.

When we were planning our NYC trip I found a hotel in Soho, and was excited to experience that part of Manhattan. Usually we stay with Kevin’s family about 45 minutes outside of the city, so I was looking forward to feeling like a real New Yorker for a few days. I had plans for us to go to Central Park, or on top of the Empire State Building, or maybe going to see a Broadway show. We did none of those things, making me think that perhaps we are lazy tourists.

When we were in Paris about 6 years ago, the person we were staying with called us the “laziest tourists he ever had stay with him.” We were horribly jet-lagged, and it was Kevin’s and my first time being in Europe. We’d sleep in until around noon, get up, grab some lunch or coffee, and then go see a site. After that, we’d walk around and grab more coffee in a little café, and chat for what felt like hours. We’d walk back to the apartment and get ready for dinner, and do the whole thing all over again the next day.

When we’re on vacation, I like to experience, instead of see. I like to listen to conversations instead of someone lecturing at me on a tour. While in Paris, I do remember going to Notre Dame, and the Louvre, but I have fonder memories of sitting in cafes sipping coffee. Or when we went to Normandy, I remember vividly seeing where our soldiers lost their lives, but I can also tell you what I ate the little restaurant in town, sipping a cider.

New York was no different. We barely went to any of the top tourist sites, but we relaxed. We saw Soho and went to restaurants around our hotel, and learned the streets and shops and the cool local hangouts. The most touristy thing we did was have drinks at the top of the Rainbow Room, and felt at peace chomping on nuts and sipping my champagne.

Perhaps we are lazy tourists to some, but to me, I like to get in there, and experience. I can open a book and see many of the things that people wait in line for endless hours. But being able to really experience and live it, is my way of vacationing…and perhaps life in general. And if that makes me a lazy tourist, then so be it.