Rubber Mats and Play-Doh

Finally the weather out east is starting to break.  This week, along with my foul mood, the weather was dreary and chilly and left me wanting to stay in bed all day.  Topped with my cutting back on caffeine, an AF that was trying to win some sort of contest and Mother's day...well let's just say it was a rough week around these parts. 

But now that I see sun again, I find myself wanting to run more.  Running for me is a must in my life, and it's painfully obvious when I haven't run in awhile.  I feel lethargic, fat, lazy, unaccomplished.  That may sound harsh and is probably a little harsh, but after a run, even a short run my whole outlook changes, instantly!  I only run about 3 times a week, but when that is taken away from I feel that my outlet is gone. 

I always find it funny when people say that "it's so great that you run," as if I have any sort of choice in the matter.  When you are a runner, you just find yourself lacing up your sneakers to hit the pavement.  But what people don't realize is how LUCKY I am to find myself out there.  I'm a kid again, playing outside, looking for my next adventure.  The other day I ran down a winding, shaded hill, feeling free and fast.  I passed a house and could smell the hose running water.  Why does water from a hose in the summertime always smell different?  I kept running and passed another house that smelled like daycamp from when I was 10 years old.  It smelled of rubber mats and play-doh.  On my way back home, I ran past a park getting freshly mowed and could smell the fresh grass, and see specs of it swirling around the lawn mower. 

So to me, I'm the lucky one.  Today, I will hit the streets again, and let the sun shine on my face, feel the sweat on my back and say a little prayer back up the hill that I generally swear at.  When I come home I will feel that sense of accomplishment and look forward to the next time I can feel like a kid again.  If you don't run, perhaps give it a try today, all you need is a pair of sneakers.

**Update tomorrow on book club.  I've chosen the first book, nothing too long or tough to read!**

Acutely Aware

Sunday came and went.  It has been 4 mother's days now that I have not been a mother and have so wanted to be a mother.  The pain associated with this day is not something that is getting any easier for me.  I am still feeling the sadness and repercussions of feeling empty on this day.

Three years ago, my first mother's day after we had started trying for a baby, I don't really remember.  I don't think I felt an emptiness or sadness so much.  I'm sure I thought about it, but given the fact that I don't remember it, I'm certain that I must have felt ok with the day. 

Two years ago, my second mother's day after we had started trying.  Well two months before that mother's day I had lost my baby.  I was still supposed to be pregnant, but instead, I carried around the extra pregnancy weight that I could not get rid of.  An awful reminder.  My mom and I went about our day of getting our nails done and brunching, but I remember feeling in a haze that day.  I remember sitting in Starbucks and looking at a painting on the wall that looked like sperm swimming toward an egg.  I remember feeling the elephant in the room, because no one said anything about it, not even my mom.

Last year, we had our "last" failed IVF cycle.  We were done, and I felt a huge weight lifted.  We were moving on to adoption.  We were also moving across the country.  So we did what we do best, we left town to avoid Mother's day at all costs.  It worked because I felt fine, and fairly confident that by next year, I'd have a baby, or maybe waiting for a birth mom to have her baby. 

This year...was rough.  Probably as rough as when we lost the baby.  I think because in both cases we were so close, we had a baby waiting in the wings, but again, that would not be our fate.  This year, I knew would hurt.  And you know what also hurt?  The bottle of wine I drank the night before Mother's day resulting in one of the worst headaches I've had to date.  Wine + Depression = hell.on.earth. 

A few days before Mother's day this year, we got a call from K's brother.  They are expecting.  She has had a rough journey of her own, taking a long time to conceive, and having a ectopic pregnancy in December.  So I knew this day was around the corner.  And I am so so happy for them.  Thrilled actually.  I know the pain of infertility, probably better than most.  On Sunday, they called again and said it was twins.  The more happy I feel, the more I feel the knife cutting through my heart.  I feel the last pieces being cut away, that somehow, they are pregnant with the last babies on earth.  That 2 1/2 years ago, we were making the same announcement, with twins.  That now...on this Mother's Day, I was left empty handed once again and must put on a happy face for someone else's joy, and can only hope that one day, we will be acutely aware of the joy we feel as well.

Reading Frenzy

Last week I was laying on the couch watching Idol or DWTS, or some other inane program feeling my brain slowly rot away in my head.  These are pretty much the only two reality shows I allow myself to watch, but I hate myself everytime I tune into them.  They just don't tell a story, have a plot or even give much drama.  At least if I watch a drama, I feel at least as if my brain has to think about what's going on, or what will happen.  These reality shows...well quite frankly I'm over them.  But when it's winter and you live in a town where you don't have many friends, there aren't many options out there.  Plus with the laparascopy, I had to stop running for over 2 weeks so I've been booooorrrrreeeed, but at least I can start that back up again this week.

But back to the original topic; reading.  I decided aloud last week that I'm going to have my own summer book club.  After Idol and DWTS end this season, along with all my other shows, I'm going to turn off the tv.  I'm going to concentrate on running and reading, and maybe meeting a friend or two.  The idea came to me because we bought new furniture last month for the office.  Since I work from home, our old stuff just wasn't cutting it, and we needed to upgrade.  When I was going through our bookshelves, I found all these old books that I haven't read yet.  Classics that I bought and have been wanting to read, but probably turned to the just released page turner.  

So starting...well, now...I'm starting my summer bookclub and I invite you to join me!  I did just find out that my three most favorite authors are all releasing books this summer, but I can usually read those in a couple of days but would be happy to have those in the mix too.  But I'd love to embark on a few of the classics that are new to me, or I just never read. 

Here are a few of my suggestions...
Farewell to Arms (read about 1/4 of this, never finished, but need to, and loved what I read!)
Huckleberry Finn (of course read this, but back in grammar school)
Grapes of Wrath (never read, but East of Eden changed my life)
Sense and Sensibility (ugh, I think I'm the only female who is not a Jane Austen fan, but I have this on my bookshelf)

So I invite you dear friends to join me!  Let's do this together this summer...I'm 100% open to some other suggestions as well.  I'm finishing another book that I've already started and then would like to start on a classic.  My goal is 3 classics this summer.  I don't have huge goals here, but that's about a book a month and we all know how quickly the summer moves!

Leave a comment if you're interested, and what you'd like to read!  If I don't get any comments, I'll just go ahead and read and report back on my findings.  Happy May!