Sundays are usually a day to relax. After a generally hectic Saturday of running errands, talking for no less than 8 hours about what we want to do Saturday night (out here in CT plans aren't just made through friends, we have to proactively plan things if we want to get off the couch), and cleaning up the house, Sundays are the opposite. I like to get up with Bailey and take her to the forest preserve down the street for some hiking, followed by perhaps breakfast out, and just let the day lead us to whatever we want to do. A lazy day, if you will.
This past Sunday my plans were no different. I got up before Bailey and let our little sleeper stay in bed snuggled with Daddy a little longer. I chugged some coffee, and finally decided we needed to go for our hike along the river bank. As I've mentioned, this is Bailey's favorite place on earth. She sprints ahead of me and waits in the various water banks, and when I walk up it's a little game of "where's waldo?" since Bailey's brown fur just camouflages in the natural surroundings. It's one of my favorite things ever about her.
I wanted to only spend about 35-40 minutes hiking, because K and I were heading to Ikea and a pizza lunch at Pepe's. Of course when you try to hurry up and do something, God generally has a good chuckle. We started our hike out along the river and stopped to play with a bouncing black lab puppy. As we continued, I was feeling pretty good and thought I might as well get some extra exercise in, so we continued walking a little further than normal. There were two women and a couple of dogs in front of us, so we kept hiking and following them. Soon enough we were back at the parking lot of cars. But much to my chagrin, not our parking lot of cars. Another lot, that I knew was on the other side of the forest. Far, far away from where I had ever been.
My blood pressure started to rise, and we turned around and high-tailed it back the other way. There was a turn off about 5 minutes back and I was certain if we just went back and walked up this other trail, we'd be back on track. So we turned, and we walked, and we walked some more and found nothing familiar for another 40 minutes. I generally have a good sense of direction, but I knew enough to know I was in unchartered territory. Point blank, we were lost and I started to freak out. I started sweating, and running down the trails because I just wanted to get back to the parking lot. Our parking lot. I felt the more freaked out I became, the more lost I got. I knew that if we found the river, we could just follow that back to the entrance. But I only saw high hills covered in trees all around me.
I started to have visions of being lost in the forest. I looked around to see what we could eat if we never made it back. Bailey just wanted to play in the river, and as if to show me she was annoyed, she'd find puddles and jump in them, and wait to see if we could stop and play. I decided to just walk off the trail and move in the general direction I thought the river ran. Finally, after almost an hour, I found the river. What a glorious sight this was, and as soon as Bailey saw it she took off and ran head first, stopping to see if we could play with her ball. I started to follow the river back to the car, and realized after another 10 minutes we were going the wrong way back to the car. Finally, as if a gift from above, a mountain biker was on the trail and stopped right when we crossed him. He looked me in the eye, and pulled a folded map out of his pocket. He slowly unfolded it and I felt like I was in slow motion as I walked towards him.
"Is that a map?"
"Yes, it most certainly is," he said in a British accent.
He showed me where we were were, about 2 miles away from the car. I thanked him, and started off again on our extreme hike. I pictured K calling missing persons, and him waiting for me in the parking lot. But I decided that freaking out wasn't going to get me anywhere faster. I needed to remain calm, and let nature takes it course. We'd get there, we weren't lost in the middle of a foreign country. Finally, after 2 hours of navigating the forest perserve, we made it back to our car. And soon, on our way home.
Back in the comfort of my home...it's one of my favorite places to be. I love going out, and I love to travel, but nothing is sweeter than coming home to what is familiar to me. Whenever we are away from home for awhile or in an uncomfortable situation, all I want to do is come back home. I sometimes have visions of our living room, all of us snuggled on our couch. Where I felt safe.
This rollercoaster of adoption is anything but feeling comfortable and safe. The past few weeks have challenged us more than we ever thought possible. But we are learning that we can't control how this all plays out. We can do what we can to bring a baby home, but mostly, we have to let nature take its course. There are no maps for this, only our instincts, and emotions run high. We try to stay positive and hope at the end we get to bring a baby home with us. But we are also realistic we could end up at the other end of the forest in the wrong parking lot. So for now, I am going to try to just remain calm. And it might be something to tell myself every day. That I'm not the one that will have to part with my baby. That I am so blessed in so many ways.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Life Changing
Everyone tells you when you have a baby, it changes your life. Sleep gets thrown out the door, spontaneous outings are never heard from again, and priorities are forever shifted. We can't wait for these things to start happening to us, but when you're adopting, things start shifting a bit earlier.
This past weekend, Kevin and I went on a little trip across the country. It was an important trip, perhaps one of the most important things that we'll ever do. We got to meet the birth mother who has chosen us. We got to meet her mother. We got to meet her sisters and aunt. We met the birth father, and his brother. By Saturday night we fell exhausted, and found a bottle of wine and a piece of chocolate cake, instantly taking us back to our comfort zone. To what we know.
After I lost the baby, I bounced back fairly quickly. Everyone said how strong I was. I went back to work a week later. I started going out with friends again over a month after that, and generally speaking, I was doing ok. It got on my nerves how everyone kept telling me that, because I wasn't trying to be strong and move forward, it just happened. I didn't want to live sad. Plus, I truly believe that there is a difference in strength with what happens TO you, as opposed to what you choose to go out and make happen. My point is, losing the baby happened to us, we just needed to react and deal with the broken pieces. But going through adoption...that is something we have pursued and gone after ourselves. Which takes a 1000 times more strength, in my opinion, to go after a dream. To take yourself 110% out of your comfort zone and do something radical.
Adoption is not radical, I realize. But sitting on a couch at our BM's home with her mom, having just met less than 12 hours before, talking about the baby that is growing in her, that we will raise. Well that was a pretty surreal experience. Radical, almost, in my eyes. Every so often I would get this thought..."what are we doing?!" Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything, don't get me wrong. But unless you've gone through it, there are few words to even start to describe what we were feeling. I'm sure the BM was feeling the same way...but if she wasn't pregnant, our paths never would have crossed, and I couldn't help but feel that we were sent there for a reason. Yes, the baby, but this family chose us for a reason.
Many questions have come up about the BM, the baby, due date, sex, etc. I won't be sharing any further details about the BM. We are going to keep those details private from everyone and only share with the baby. It's the baby's information to have, and when baby is old enough, baby can do with it what he/she pleases. I will say that she is due in February, and yes, we know the sex, but we are keeping that under wraps for now too.
We are ready for the life changing exprience the baby will surely bring. We have been ready. But life changing has already started for us. We are beyond excited, and just letting ourselves bask in the joy that we will soon be parents. But we continue to pray for the BM and her family, because in a few months, she will need it more than ever, for her life is changing too.
This past weekend, Kevin and I went on a little trip across the country. It was an important trip, perhaps one of the most important things that we'll ever do. We got to meet the birth mother who has chosen us. We got to meet her mother. We got to meet her sisters and aunt. We met the birth father, and his brother. By Saturday night we fell exhausted, and found a bottle of wine and a piece of chocolate cake, instantly taking us back to our comfort zone. To what we know.
After I lost the baby, I bounced back fairly quickly. Everyone said how strong I was. I went back to work a week later. I started going out with friends again over a month after that, and generally speaking, I was doing ok. It got on my nerves how everyone kept telling me that, because I wasn't trying to be strong and move forward, it just happened. I didn't want to live sad. Plus, I truly believe that there is a difference in strength with what happens TO you, as opposed to what you choose to go out and make happen. My point is, losing the baby happened to us, we just needed to react and deal with the broken pieces. But going through adoption...that is something we have pursued and gone after ourselves. Which takes a 1000 times more strength, in my opinion, to go after a dream. To take yourself 110% out of your comfort zone and do something radical.
Adoption is not radical, I realize. But sitting on a couch at our BM's home with her mom, having just met less than 12 hours before, talking about the baby that is growing in her, that we will raise. Well that was a pretty surreal experience. Radical, almost, in my eyes. Every so often I would get this thought..."what are we doing?!" Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything, don't get me wrong. But unless you've gone through it, there are few words to even start to describe what we were feeling. I'm sure the BM was feeling the same way...but if she wasn't pregnant, our paths never would have crossed, and I couldn't help but feel that we were sent there for a reason. Yes, the baby, but this family chose us for a reason.
Many questions have come up about the BM, the baby, due date, sex, etc. I won't be sharing any further details about the BM. We are going to keep those details private from everyone and only share with the baby. It's the baby's information to have, and when baby is old enough, baby can do with it what he/she pleases. I will say that she is due in February, and yes, we know the sex, but we are keeping that under wraps for now too.
We are ready for the life changing exprience the baby will surely bring. We have been ready. But life changing has already started for us. We are beyond excited, and just letting ourselves bask in the joy that we will soon be parents. But we continue to pray for the BM and her family, because in a few months, she will need it more than ever, for her life is changing too.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Making Plans
Ever hear the saying, "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.*" Nothing could be more appropriate for us in the past few years. We have made many plans only to be laughed at by said plans. It's been a huge lesson of patience and perseverance. We must not forget the perseverance.
Today I was out walking my pup, and two little girls half walked, half skipped past us as only little girls can do. They were about 10 years old, and I caught part of their conversation. One said, "so before we get married and stuff, do you want to get an apartment by ourselves in New York City? Like a HUGE apartment?!" The other responded, "of course!...but we're not marrying each other." And they scurried along, and I thought how cute it was that they were making these plans at the age of 10 years old. Plans are funny things.
But it brought me back to our wedding day. I had invited one of my oldest friends to our wedding, and we had really lost touch. But as a last minute addition, I added her to the guest list and she showed up! She came right up to me, and gave me a hug at the reception and asked immediately why the bridesmaids didn't all have different colored gowns on, like a rainbow. I did have a glass or two of wine, but I looked at her like she was crazy. She said, when we were little, you always talked about how at your wedding the bridesmaids would be wearing different colors...one color was just boring. And in an instant I saw us in our 10 or 11 year old selves talking about such things as our wedding days.
Right now we're making different kinds of plans. We are planning the arrival of a baby. Not our biological baby, but a baby that is to be ours, nonetheless. I have been pregnant, so I know how different this feels to prepare for a baby that is not in my womb. Sometimes I think I can't have a glass of wine...because of the baby! Then I'm brought back to reality that I'm not the one carrying our baby. Then, of course, I go pour myself a huge glass of red wine. I also keep thinking that once the baby arrives, I won't be able to run or do my normal things because I will be sort of recovering...like from giving birth. Don't call the authorities on me...I'm sane, I promise. But since I've done it the other way, this way is so different. Good different, but still different.
While we're making plans, we're still keeping things in check. We are soon going to be meeting our birth mom. I am not nervous, or anxious about it at all. I feel for her, and just want to give her a hug. If she chooses to parent her baby in the end, I will be disappointed, but I will understand. But in the meantime, we'll keep making plans, it's what we do, after all.
*John Lennon
Today I was out walking my pup, and two little girls half walked, half skipped past us as only little girls can do. They were about 10 years old, and I caught part of their conversation. One said, "so before we get married and stuff, do you want to get an apartment by ourselves in New York City? Like a HUGE apartment?!" The other responded, "of course!...but we're not marrying each other." And they scurried along, and I thought how cute it was that they were making these plans at the age of 10 years old. Plans are funny things.
But it brought me back to our wedding day. I had invited one of my oldest friends to our wedding, and we had really lost touch. But as a last minute addition, I added her to the guest list and she showed up! She came right up to me, and gave me a hug at the reception and asked immediately why the bridesmaids didn't all have different colored gowns on, like a rainbow. I did have a glass or two of wine, but I looked at her like she was crazy. She said, when we were little, you always talked about how at your wedding the bridesmaids would be wearing different colors...one color was just boring. And in an instant I saw us in our 10 or 11 year old selves talking about such things as our wedding days.
Right now we're making different kinds of plans. We are planning the arrival of a baby. Not our biological baby, but a baby that is to be ours, nonetheless. I have been pregnant, so I know how different this feels to prepare for a baby that is not in my womb. Sometimes I think I can't have a glass of wine...because of the baby! Then I'm brought back to reality that I'm not the one carrying our baby. Then, of course, I go pour myself a huge glass of red wine. I also keep thinking that once the baby arrives, I won't be able to run or do my normal things because I will be sort of recovering...like from giving birth. Don't call the authorities on me...I'm sane, I promise. But since I've done it the other way, this way is so different. Good different, but still different.
While we're making plans, we're still keeping things in check. We are soon going to be meeting our birth mom. I am not nervous, or anxious about it at all. I feel for her, and just want to give her a hug. If she chooses to parent her baby in the end, I will be disappointed, but I will understand. But in the meantime, we'll keep making plans, it's what we do, after all.
*John Lennon
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Chosen One
We had a lovely weekend here on the east coast. My parents came out to visit us for the first time since we moved and it had all the markings of success; quintessential New England fall weather, great food from great restaurants, and lots of wine to keep the conversation flowing and laughter loud. What can I say, I get my love of wine from my parents, and my love of coffee and my impatience. Oh, whatever, it was a great weekend!
I was hoping to have some good news for my parents on the adoption front. Our profile was presented to a birth mom (BM) last Friday, and I didn't know how long it would take for her to make a decision. I forgot to ask those minor details, but also didn't think that they would hurry a BM because of the obvious that she is deciding who is going to raise her baby. So the week came and went as I checked my cell phone every single second. I had an appointment on Thursday and had to shut my cell phone off for the first time that week. I knew as soon as I turned it off, she was going to call, and thought that was actually a good thing. And, of course I was right. I listened to her message, feeling nauseous, certain she was going to say that we were not chosen. Talking myself off the ledge that if she didn't choose us, there are so many people like us that deserve babies. But the message had different news...that our BM needed more time. She had narrowed down her choices, and were still in the running, but she needed more time. I slammed my phone shut, happy, and still a little weary. My parents were coming in on Friday and I needed to get the house ready.
My parents got in late Friday night, so we welcomed them at the airport and came back to our house for some wine and cheese. My laptop was sitting out, so I decided to show my parents facebook! I took them through their high school classes, and showed them what my friends were up to. It was so much fun...I think my dad is going to ask me to be his "friend" soon. Wonder what I'll write on his wall?
Saturday we headed to New Haven to see Yale, and walk around town. The weather was warm and breezy. We ate pizza, toured Yale, decided that Yale students are more attractive than I had thought smart kids would be, and did a little shopping. We also saw a 6 foot beach ball being rolled down the sidewalk by some students and you would have thought that they had Michael Jackson with them by the way other students were reacting. I felt like I witnessed something great...and I sorely miss college.
Saturday on our way back my dad wanted to stop at a wine shop. There was a bakery next door and I wanted to ask them a question so headed in with my mom. On our way out, over to the wine shop, my cell phone started ringing. I noticed the area code as our agent at the adoption agency and waved my mom into the wine shop so I could take the call. It was our agent and she had some news...the birth mom had chosen us! I can't tell you what she said on the phone, I can't tell you want I said, all I know is I started crying outside the wine shop. I looked in and gave Kevin's a thumbs up, and he thought I was crazy. Then I started making a sign of rocking a baby, and he ran outside and swooped me in a hug. It was one of the best moments I will remember in my life.
My parents have known we were are getting shown to BM's, but don't know any details...so we decided to tell them at dinner that night. Again, I think instead of telling the story from start to finish, I think I started in the middle, went to the beginning and somewhere in there got to the finish.
While we are so thrilled, we are also very cautious. We know that at the end, she could change her mind. But she wants to meet with us, so we will be flying across the country to meet her soon. I feel surprisingly at peace, and I'm not sure why. I guess because I feel humbled that we have another journey. That we will meet her, that our joy will be her loss. That we must remain cautious right now, and try not to get too excited. But knowing we were chosen by the first BM that saw our profile...that if she does change her mind in the end, it shouldn't be long before we are chosen again. And after all we have been through, I have tried to remember there is a plan for us and I must remain positive, because if nothing else, who wants to hang out with debbie downer all the time?
So I ask for prayers and positive thoughts, not only for us, but for the BM. I will be not sharing all the details, as it is somewhat private. It all feels surreal right now and I can't help but think this could finally be our time. But I also know life can throw curve balls and have come to expect them. For today we are happy and basking in the contentedness that we have been chosen.
I was hoping to have some good news for my parents on the adoption front. Our profile was presented to a birth mom (BM) last Friday, and I didn't know how long it would take for her to make a decision. I forgot to ask those minor details, but also didn't think that they would hurry a BM because of the obvious that she is deciding who is going to raise her baby. So the week came and went as I checked my cell phone every single second. I had an appointment on Thursday and had to shut my cell phone off for the first time that week. I knew as soon as I turned it off, she was going to call, and thought that was actually a good thing. And, of course I was right. I listened to her message, feeling nauseous, certain she was going to say that we were not chosen. Talking myself off the ledge that if she didn't choose us, there are so many people like us that deserve babies. But the message had different news...that our BM needed more time. She had narrowed down her choices, and were still in the running, but she needed more time. I slammed my phone shut, happy, and still a little weary. My parents were coming in on Friday and I needed to get the house ready.
My parents got in late Friday night, so we welcomed them at the airport and came back to our house for some wine and cheese. My laptop was sitting out, so I decided to show my parents facebook! I took them through their high school classes, and showed them what my friends were up to. It was so much fun...I think my dad is going to ask me to be his "friend" soon. Wonder what I'll write on his wall?
Saturday we headed to New Haven to see Yale, and walk around town. The weather was warm and breezy. We ate pizza, toured Yale, decided that Yale students are more attractive than I had thought smart kids would be, and did a little shopping. We also saw a 6 foot beach ball being rolled down the sidewalk by some students and you would have thought that they had Michael Jackson with them by the way other students were reacting. I felt like I witnessed something great...and I sorely miss college.
Saturday on our way back my dad wanted to stop at a wine shop. There was a bakery next door and I wanted to ask them a question so headed in with my mom. On our way out, over to the wine shop, my cell phone started ringing. I noticed the area code as our agent at the adoption agency and waved my mom into the wine shop so I could take the call. It was our agent and she had some news...the birth mom had chosen us! I can't tell you what she said on the phone, I can't tell you want I said, all I know is I started crying outside the wine shop. I looked in and gave Kevin's a thumbs up, and he thought I was crazy. Then I started making a sign of rocking a baby, and he ran outside and swooped me in a hug. It was one of the best moments I will remember in my life.
My parents have known we were are getting shown to BM's, but don't know any details...so we decided to tell them at dinner that night. Again, I think instead of telling the story from start to finish, I think I started in the middle, went to the beginning and somewhere in there got to the finish.
While we are so thrilled, we are also very cautious. We know that at the end, she could change her mind. But she wants to meet with us, so we will be flying across the country to meet her soon. I feel surprisingly at peace, and I'm not sure why. I guess because I feel humbled that we have another journey. That we will meet her, that our joy will be her loss. That we must remain cautious right now, and try not to get too excited. But knowing we were chosen by the first BM that saw our profile...that if she does change her mind in the end, it shouldn't be long before we are chosen again. And after all we have been through, I have tried to remember there is a plan for us and I must remain positive, because if nothing else, who wants to hang out with debbie downer all the time?
So I ask for prayers and positive thoughts, not only for us, but for the BM. I will be not sharing all the details, as it is somewhat private. It all feels surreal right now and I can't help but think this could finally be our time. But I also know life can throw curve balls and have come to expect them. For today we are happy and basking in the contentedness that we have been chosen.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Just Breathe...and Sleep!...and Breathe Again...
because the fun is about to begin.
About 2 weeks ago I called my social worker to see where we were at with our home study. I hadn't heard from her, and knew we were just waiting for our background checks to come through. She emailed back to say our home study was completed! She then mailed it to the agency we are using, and hence, my wonderful, fitful nights of sleep were no longer. Did I ever mention that I have issues sleeping with big things going on in my life? I do. But I digress.
With the arrival of said home study to our far away agency, we then had to finish our family profile and dear birth mother letter. I had started our profile, but now that the adoption process was once again back in our laps I didn't want to waste any more time. The profile, which is a little booklet of photos of us, our home, our life, etc, is the first piece of us that the potential birth mother will see. So the pictures are important, as well as the layout and how we decide to project ourselves...all on paper...all smiling and happy, and all...I like to run, and travel, and play with my puppy, in my super kid friendly house in the suburbs...don't you want us to parent your child? Which is all true, but I'm a smart ass, and sometimes, dare I say it, a little cranky? And Kevin...well his sense of humor is so dry that sometimes my dad has to look at him for a few seconds before he laughs at something Kevin said because he's not sure if it was a joke or not. Bottom line, we're not perfect, but have to try to look somewhat perfect on paper. It's not easy to project that all in photos!
I finished (sorry, we Goose, we...) the profile this week and had it printed at our local copy shop. Let's set the scene here...I give my saved file to the girl working at "Linko's" and she takes it all bored like, sticks it in the hard drive to start my printing. I see her scroll through every page...I try to act nonchalant. She looks up,
"oh my god, are you adopting?!"
"Yes, that's the plan anyway!"
"Oh, can you not have kids?"
"Umm...well, we don't know if that's true...but we um...well we are just adopting!"
(Enter a copy shop co-worker male, middle aged...weird looking)
Him: "Oh, who is the problem?"
Me: "Umm...wha....I dunno...I just..."
Him: Point to his groin area, "I mean is it him, low sperm count or something?"
Me: "HA HA HA! I....HA HA HA! No...it's...um (none of your effing business)..it's really unexplained."
Him: "UNEXPLAINED!?! Well go get your money back! I have a kid, 2 years old you can have him for 2 million dollars."
Me: "Ha ha...ok, I need some additional supplies so I will come back when my copies are ready."
Yes, I kid you not folks. Some people are THAT ignorant. But I realized that with adoption I will probably have to get ready for the dumb questions and comments that come out of people's mouths. Because if one more person tells me I'm going to get pregnant once we adopt I'm going to kick their butt to the moon. That to me...is like saying to someone, "once you get married, I bet you meet your soul mate." My other soul mate just happens to be sitting in some other mama's belly right now.
I did walk out with my copies, and sent them off to our agency. I emailed our agency contact to let her know our profiles were on their way, and she called me back yesterday and said that she needed a copy by this Friday because she wanted to present us to a birth mom! This is really starting to happen for us! Even if she doesn't choose us, we are now in the mix. It feels amazing, and surreal, and a little crazy in my head right now. So breathing is good and sleeping would be nice too, but I'd rather not be sleeping because of all this good, than staying awake thinking about the bad things.
About 2 weeks ago I called my social worker to see where we were at with our home study. I hadn't heard from her, and knew we were just waiting for our background checks to come through. She emailed back to say our home study was completed! She then mailed it to the agency we are using, and hence, my wonderful, fitful nights of sleep were no longer. Did I ever mention that I have issues sleeping with big things going on in my life? I do. But I digress.
With the arrival of said home study to our far away agency, we then had to finish our family profile and dear birth mother letter. I had started our profile, but now that the adoption process was once again back in our laps I didn't want to waste any more time. The profile, which is a little booklet of photos of us, our home, our life, etc, is the first piece of us that the potential birth mother will see. So the pictures are important, as well as the layout and how we decide to project ourselves...all on paper...all smiling and happy, and all...I like to run, and travel, and play with my puppy, in my super kid friendly house in the suburbs...don't you want us to parent your child? Which is all true, but I'm a smart ass, and sometimes, dare I say it, a little cranky? And Kevin...well his sense of humor is so dry that sometimes my dad has to look at him for a few seconds before he laughs at something Kevin said because he's not sure if it was a joke or not. Bottom line, we're not perfect, but have to try to look somewhat perfect on paper. It's not easy to project that all in photos!
I finished (sorry, we Goose, we...) the profile this week and had it printed at our local copy shop. Let's set the scene here...I give my saved file to the girl working at "Linko's" and she takes it all bored like, sticks it in the hard drive to start my printing. I see her scroll through every page...I try to act nonchalant. She looks up,
"oh my god, are you adopting?!"
"Yes, that's the plan anyway!"
"Oh, can you not have kids?"
"Umm...well, we don't know if that's true...but we um...well we are just adopting!"
(Enter a copy shop co-worker male, middle aged...weird looking)
Him: "Oh, who is the problem?"
Me: "Umm...wha....I dunno...I just..."
Him: Point to his groin area, "I mean is it him, low sperm count or something?"
Me: "HA HA HA! I....HA HA HA! No...it's...um (none of your effing business)..it's really unexplained."
Him: "UNEXPLAINED!?! Well go get your money back! I have a kid, 2 years old you can have him for 2 million dollars."
Me: "Ha ha...ok, I need some additional supplies so I will come back when my copies are ready."
Yes, I kid you not folks. Some people are THAT ignorant. But I realized that with adoption I will probably have to get ready for the dumb questions and comments that come out of people's mouths. Because if one more person tells me I'm going to get pregnant once we adopt I'm going to kick their butt to the moon. That to me...is like saying to someone, "once you get married, I bet you meet your soul mate." My other soul mate just happens to be sitting in some other mama's belly right now.
I did walk out with my copies, and sent them off to our agency. I emailed our agency contact to let her know our profiles were on their way, and she called me back yesterday and said that she needed a copy by this Friday because she wanted to present us to a birth mom! This is really starting to happen for us! Even if she doesn't choose us, we are now in the mix. It feels amazing, and surreal, and a little crazy in my head right now. So breathing is good and sleeping would be nice too, but I'd rather not be sleeping because of all this good, than staying awake thinking about the bad things.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Unlikely Friends
As we get closer and closer to realizing our dream of becoming parents, I have a mix of feelings going on right now. I'm excited, a little anxious, calm, unsuspecting, and then a little more excited! In the past 2 months we have been analyzed, questioned, visited, weighed/poked/blood-drawn, financially, criminally and mentally checked out, and that was only to get us to the start line! The real journey is about to begin.
(Rob Morgan/The Daily Reporter, via AP)
We are about 3 days away from being done with all of our paperwork and getting started to get matched with birth mothers. It's surreal really. We have no idea what we're in for, but we will soon find out.
(Ali Jarekji/Reuters)
I keep thinking about how I will bond with a new baby, how soon will we fall in love? Then I look over at this crazy fur ball curled up on the blanket next to me and realize she has found nooks and crannies in my heart I didn't know existed. I know I'm in trouble...this new baby is going to bring us to a level we could never have imagined.
(ABC News)
I was checking out GMA's website for something I saw on the show this morning, and I came across these pictures. These unlikely friends, now "families." Adoption, in a sense, is instinctual. So then I calm down and know, know, this is exactly what was meant for us.
(Rob Morgan/The Daily Reporter, via AP) We are about 3 days away from being done with all of our paperwork and getting started to get matched with birth mothers. It's surreal really. We have no idea what we're in for, but we will soon find out.
(Ali Jarekji/Reuters)I keep thinking about how I will bond with a new baby, how soon will we fall in love? Then I look over at this crazy fur ball curled up on the blanket next to me and realize she has found nooks and crannies in my heart I didn't know existed. I know I'm in trouble...this new baby is going to bring us to a level we could never have imagined.
(ABC News)I was checking out GMA's website for something I saw on the show this morning, and I came across these pictures. These unlikely friends, now "families." Adoption, in a sense, is instinctual. So then I calm down and know, know, this is exactly what was meant for us.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Yet Unscathed
Tennis has always been somewhat of an anomaly to me. I've never watched tennis, never really cared one way or the other who won. But my sister and her husband were in town over Labor Day weekend and they have been getting more into tennis, so we went to one of the matches at the US Open while they were here. Before I went to the match, I had a little learning to do...like how to keep score. I've played many sports in my life: volleyball, basketball, soccer, Irish football, running, ping pong (not competitively, the ol' basement variety) but never tennis. So Kevin taught me how to keep score before we went. He's probably tried to teach me a few dozens times, but I tend to tune things out until I really want to learn something. It's definitely not one of my finer qualities, but one that isn't changing anytime soon. It turns out I just needed to understand what the heck was going on and now I'm a pretty big fan!
New on the tennis scene is a 17 year old girl from Georgia named Melanie. She was exciting to watch because this is it for her...she is officially "made" into a tennis star. She beat some of the powerhouses in tennis, and she did it because she's been working her tail off. But she also beat them because she doesn't believe it won't happen. Plain and simple, she knows she "can" beat them, so why not? She hasn't yet come to doubt herself, or her body, or the world we live in. The concept is so simple, but something that gets jaded as we get older.
I saw this again last week when I was presenting a candidate for job in New York. I was lining him up for interviews, and after the first round, he kept saying, "when are they going to make an offer?" I kind of chuckled like..."oh lad, it doesn't always work that way! You have to interview, they have to like you, there are many channels and mysteries to figure this out. Don't get your hopes up." I almost told him all this, but on second thought, I decided not to. This young man is only 1 year out of college, still young enough to believe that he will get whatever he wants in life. Still young enough to probably not have many doubts. And you know what? He got an offer from the company on Friday and accepted it.
I was struck by how easy it used to be. I remember when I was growing up I used to procrastinate, or do things in an unconventional way. It would drive my dad crazy that everything just worked out for me! And most of it worked out because I believed it would...why wouldn't it? I remember I had a project due for school and waited until the night before to even go pick up my supplies to get started, and it was not something you'd just go pick up at an art store. My dad didn't say a word to me how annoyed he was that I had waited so late. But I went out, went to 1 store, got my supplies, came home and did the project and got an A on it.
What a feeling that was...and how I wish to go back to that point in my life. But unfortunately, I don't think you can ever really go back once you've crossed the line.
But this weekend, I dug deep down and tried to find that will, that "it will all work out" attitude. I was running a 10 mile race I had trained for the past 2 months, after a 3 year baby/IVF hiatus. I was a little nervous and doubted myself, but what was the worst that could happen? I would have to walk a bit? But I did it. I didn't set any time trial records, but I did set my own personal record. I've never run a 10 mile race. It felt good to leave the realist with a little cynicism mixed in behind and find my optimism again. It feels GOOD to be on this side, a side I plan on seeing more of in the future.
New on the tennis scene is a 17 year old girl from Georgia named Melanie. She was exciting to watch because this is it for her...she is officially "made" into a tennis star. She beat some of the powerhouses in tennis, and she did it because she's been working her tail off. But she also beat them because she doesn't believe it won't happen. Plain and simple, she knows she "can" beat them, so why not? She hasn't yet come to doubt herself, or her body, or the world we live in. The concept is so simple, but something that gets jaded as we get older.
I saw this again last week when I was presenting a candidate for job in New York. I was lining him up for interviews, and after the first round, he kept saying, "when are they going to make an offer?" I kind of chuckled like..."oh lad, it doesn't always work that way! You have to interview, they have to like you, there are many channels and mysteries to figure this out. Don't get your hopes up." I almost told him all this, but on second thought, I decided not to. This young man is only 1 year out of college, still young enough to believe that he will get whatever he wants in life. Still young enough to probably not have many doubts. And you know what? He got an offer from the company on Friday and accepted it.
I was struck by how easy it used to be. I remember when I was growing up I used to procrastinate, or do things in an unconventional way. It would drive my dad crazy that everything just worked out for me! And most of it worked out because I believed it would...why wouldn't it? I remember I had a project due for school and waited until the night before to even go pick up my supplies to get started, and it was not something you'd just go pick up at an art store. My dad didn't say a word to me how annoyed he was that I had waited so late. But I went out, went to 1 store, got my supplies, came home and did the project and got an A on it.
What a feeling that was...and how I wish to go back to that point in my life. But unfortunately, I don't think you can ever really go back once you've crossed the line.
But this weekend, I dug deep down and tried to find that will, that "it will all work out" attitude. I was running a 10 mile race I had trained for the past 2 months, after a 3 year baby/IVF hiatus. I was a little nervous and doubted myself, but what was the worst that could happen? I would have to walk a bit? But I did it. I didn't set any time trial records, but I did set my own personal record. I've never run a 10 mile race. It felt good to leave the realist with a little cynicism mixed in behind and find my optimism again. It feels GOOD to be on this side, a side I plan on seeing more of in the future.
Monday, September 7, 2009
My Dash
A few years ago my grandmother died, and at her funeral someone read the poem, The Dash. It's all about how it's not really about the year you were born, or the year you died, it's the "dash" or hyphen inbetween those two numbers. It's about what you got out of those years between the two biggest numbers that define you. A few years ago, one of my best friend's boyfriends died in a motorcyle accident and that same poem was read at his funeral. I felt like the poem was following me around, and even though my friend was changed forever, that poem helped her through one of her toughest struggles.
With all we went through last year, and even this year with moving and pursuing adoption, I have tried to keep a positive outlook and keep on going with my life. Once we decided to stop with IVF treatments I decided almost that same day that I would train for a long race, a half marathon or something close. I wanted to get my pre-IVF/pre-pregnancy body back to some semblance of its old self. I remember telling my sister my plans and she kind of laughed at me and said I didn't need to "punish" myself because I couldn't get pregnant.
But I don't see it that way. Running (for the most part) makes me feel happy, healthy and strong. After a good run I feel as if I got all the negative out, figuratively and literally, I feel as I saw my own personal shrink, because big problems that I have been worried about, no longer feel quite so big. I also feel lean, thinner, like I could kick some major tail if I had too. I feel as if I'm really making my "dash" count. I have a 10 mile race coming up next weekend, and even though I'm scared I know I can do it. Even though I won't win, I will feel as if I did accomplish something bigger this summer.
Living to my fullest does not only work with running but seizing the opportunity, getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things. My sister and her husband were in town this weekend, and there's nothing like trying new things than to act like a tourist in the place that you live. This weekend, we tried new restaurants (which let's be honest is pretty darn IN my comfort zone), going kayaking on the Long Island Sound and going to the US Open (I've never been a huge fan of tennis, but I'm really starting to like it!).
It's all about MY dash, and how I want to live my life. Not only living my life, but not missing out on my life. Life is short...and we all have jobs, families, babies, spouses, mortgages, pets and problems, but it's also about now. It's MY dash; what's in your dash?
With all we went through last year, and even this year with moving and pursuing adoption, I have tried to keep a positive outlook and keep on going with my life. Once we decided to stop with IVF treatments I decided almost that same day that I would train for a long race, a half marathon or something close. I wanted to get my pre-IVF/pre-pregnancy body back to some semblance of its old self. I remember telling my sister my plans and she kind of laughed at me and said I didn't need to "punish" myself because I couldn't get pregnant.
But I don't see it that way. Running (for the most part) makes me feel happy, healthy and strong. After a good run I feel as if I got all the negative out, figuratively and literally, I feel as I saw my own personal shrink, because big problems that I have been worried about, no longer feel quite so big. I also feel lean, thinner, like I could kick some major tail if I had too. I feel as if I'm really making my "dash" count. I have a 10 mile race coming up next weekend, and even though I'm scared I know I can do it. Even though I won't win, I will feel as if I did accomplish something bigger this summer.
Living to my fullest does not only work with running but seizing the opportunity, getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things. My sister and her husband were in town this weekend, and there's nothing like trying new things than to act like a tourist in the place that you live. This weekend, we tried new restaurants (which let's be honest is pretty darn IN my comfort zone), going kayaking on the Long Island Sound and going to the US Open (I've never been a huge fan of tennis, but I'm really starting to like it!).
It's all about MY dash, and how I want to live my life. Not only living my life, but not missing out on my life. Life is short...and we all have jobs, families, babies, spouses, mortgages, pets and problems, but it's also about now. It's MY dash; what's in your dash?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A Good Test
School is back in session, we are officially moved to CT and summer is finally bidding us adieu. Most students get the summer off to enjoy the weather, take a break from studies for a few months and just act like kids. While most students got a break from taking tests, I felt like this summer was one big test for me, and I can say I passed with flying colors.
I have never moved outside my home state of Illinois. It was something that I always wanted to do, and when I was just starting to plot my big move to San Diego 9 years ago I met Kevin. So began another 9 years of living in Chicago. Since Kevin and I have been married, we have known that one day we will most likely have to move for his job. And it finally came this Spring. Most people ask us how we are liking CT, and it almost cracks me up. Yes, I miss my family and friends, and Chicago pizza, but it is gorgeous out here. We have the Long Island Sound to one side of us, and quint essential New England towns on the other. It looks like a big Norman Rockwell painting every where we go (well most places).
And our furry friend...well, I think she's doing just fine...
This is a state park that is only a couple of miles from our house. Bailey LOVES it. She runs ahead of me 300 feet and then just jumps into the river. I finally make my way to her, and she's usually just swimming around waiting for her ball.
And as for us...we are doing great too! I started running seriously again and have a 10 mile race coming up next week. I feel refreshed, more well rested and back on track after 3 long years of infertility. I feel as if I have been in remission, and it feels great.
Our adoption plan is moving along fast, and furiously! We are just about done with our home study, and have found a national adoption agency that we will be using. They have said they have pretty short wait times, which makes me overly excited and now a little nervous and anxious! I have felt so at peace lately, and know that once we get matched with a birth mom, that will all go out the window. And then the REAL test will begin.
It was nice taking the summer off of writing, but now like all good students I want to smell freshly sharpened pencils, test fresh markers and get back to writing.
I have never moved outside my home state of Illinois. It was something that I always wanted to do, and when I was just starting to plot my big move to San Diego 9 years ago I met Kevin. So began another 9 years of living in Chicago. Since Kevin and I have been married, we have known that one day we will most likely have to move for his job. And it finally came this Spring. Most people ask us how we are liking CT, and it almost cracks me up. Yes, I miss my family and friends, and Chicago pizza, but it is gorgeous out here. We have the Long Island Sound to one side of us, and quint essential New England towns on the other. It looks like a big Norman Rockwell painting every where we go (well most places).
And our furry friend...well, I think she's doing just fine...
This is a state park that is only a couple of miles from our house. Bailey LOVES it. She runs ahead of me 300 feet and then just jumps into the river. I finally make my way to her, and she's usually just swimming around waiting for her ball.And as for us...we are doing great too! I started running seriously again and have a 10 mile race coming up next week. I feel refreshed, more well rested and back on track after 3 long years of infertility. I feel as if I have been in remission, and it feels great.
Our adoption plan is moving along fast, and furiously! We are just about done with our home study, and have found a national adoption agency that we will be using. They have said they have pretty short wait times, which makes me overly excited and now a little nervous and anxious! I have felt so at peace lately, and know that once we get matched with a birth mom, that will all go out the window. And then the REAL test will begin.
It was nice taking the summer off of writing, but now like all good students I want to smell freshly sharpened pencils, test fresh markers and get back to writing.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Vinegar of Life
I have been away from my blog for awhile. It's not that I don't have anything rattling around in my head to write about...it's that I have too much rattling around and I don't have time to navigate it all to put some words down on paper. I'd like to, but I just haven't had the time or energy lately.
I will be so very happy when we are officially moved to CT. I can not wait to wake up in our new home, with our pup standing over us licking our faces incessantly until one of us can pull themselves out of bed. I can not wait to see all the leftover closet space. I might just sit in an empty closet for awhile, celebrating all the extra room. I can't wait to take Bailey on walks around the neighborhood and hike through the nature preserve that is just down the block. I can't wait to not wake up at 3am to our downstairs neighbors playing beer pong, and swearing like they just invented the words. I will miss Chicago dearly, but it is time for a change. Time to extract.
I was running the other day for the first time in what felt like months and probably the last time for even a few more weeks. My mind automatically started to calm itself of stress. I could actually think for a second and I realized how much I've missed that. I want to find my center again, and unfortunately, I think my center took off early for CT and left me here to deal with the rest. I find myself dreaming about going to yoga, something that I've never been a huge fan.
A few weeks ago I was getting my haircut and asked my stylist about using vinegar in my hair. I had read about the effects of rinsing the hair to clear it of buildup, and it's supposedly, great for the hair. I hate asking my stylist (or doctor, or dentist) questions like this expecting them to look at me like I'm some sort of idiot. But she said vinegar is great for the hair, and many other things. She then went on to say that vinegar is a natural expectorant, that's why it works so great for cleaning around the house, helping heal infections, or hair. I still haven't tried it, but I kept thinking about what she said about vinegar, and I was struck by the parallel I saw with my life.
Moving, finally done with fertility treatments, leaving our little condo, and moving on to happier times. I feel like I'm in the process of washing my life out with vinegar. I am excited in a few weeks to reunite with my center, and find peace (and sleep again). I can't wait to go on long runs, and eat healthy. Every once in awhile we need to do this, to cleanse ourselves of the old, and bring in some new to find some change.
I will be so very happy when we are officially moved to CT. I can not wait to wake up in our new home, with our pup standing over us licking our faces incessantly until one of us can pull themselves out of bed. I can not wait to see all the leftover closet space. I might just sit in an empty closet for awhile, celebrating all the extra room. I can't wait to take Bailey on walks around the neighborhood and hike through the nature preserve that is just down the block. I can't wait to not wake up at 3am to our downstairs neighbors playing beer pong, and swearing like they just invented the words. I will miss Chicago dearly, but it is time for a change. Time to extract.
I was running the other day for the first time in what felt like months and probably the last time for even a few more weeks. My mind automatically started to calm itself of stress. I could actually think for a second and I realized how much I've missed that. I want to find my center again, and unfortunately, I think my center took off early for CT and left me here to deal with the rest. I find myself dreaming about going to yoga, something that I've never been a huge fan.
A few weeks ago I was getting my haircut and asked my stylist about using vinegar in my hair. I had read about the effects of rinsing the hair to clear it of buildup, and it's supposedly, great for the hair. I hate asking my stylist (or doctor, or dentist) questions like this expecting them to look at me like I'm some sort of idiot. But she said vinegar is great for the hair, and many other things. She then went on to say that vinegar is a natural expectorant, that's why it works so great for cleaning around the house, helping heal infections, or hair. I still haven't tried it, but I kept thinking about what she said about vinegar, and I was struck by the parallel I saw with my life.
Moving, finally done with fertility treatments, leaving our little condo, and moving on to happier times. I feel like I'm in the process of washing my life out with vinegar. I am excited in a few weeks to reunite with my center, and find peace (and sleep again). I can't wait to go on long runs, and eat healthy. Every once in awhile we need to do this, to cleanse ourselves of the old, and bring in some new to find some change.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Jet Setting
It's been more difficult for me to keep up on the blog front lately. But I'm going to try to do better. I just don't have all that much to say that is all that interesting. But people keep asking me about the move, where are we going to live, adoption, and my job so I guess I do have some interesting stuff going on just am too lazy to chat about it? Also, as you can see I added twitter to my sidebar there. My boss wants us all to get twitter accounts, so I had to change the name of that one, and will have to make a new one for work. More clutter in my life that I really don't need.
This weekend we are jet setting to New York/Connecticut. We are looking to live in a suburb of New York City that is right over the border in Connecticut. Hopefully we'll find a house this weekend, then I think it will feel more real that we are actually moving. Because right now, not so much.
As for my job, my boss would love for me to stay on and work from home out there. About once a week I will go downtown to meet with candidates and hiring managers. So it will be fun to get to experience the city fairly often. If you talk to me in 3-4 months and I am watching countless Oprah's and eating oreo's for breakfast and lunch everyday we probably have a problem with the whole working-from-home thing.
Lastly, not much new on the adoption front. We are going to go to our first information session in July once we are moved. But in the meantime we are working our way through the paperwork so we can pretty much hand that all in at that meeting. Then we'll start the home study and I'm assuming some adoption classes? I hope we can move that pretty quickly once we're settled. This adoption agency that we are going to use seems great so far. They also don't have a waiting list per say. Everyone just gets put into a pool, and based on our autobiography, what we are looking for in a child and what the birth mom is looking for, they put you in front of people that way. We should get chosen pretty quickly because we are young, fun and oh so exciting, right? Right.
Onward and upward...
This weekend we are jet setting to New York/Connecticut. We are looking to live in a suburb of New York City that is right over the border in Connecticut. Hopefully we'll find a house this weekend, then I think it will feel more real that we are actually moving. Because right now, not so much.
As for my job, my boss would love for me to stay on and work from home out there. About once a week I will go downtown to meet with candidates and hiring managers. So it will be fun to get to experience the city fairly often. If you talk to me in 3-4 months and I am watching countless Oprah's and eating oreo's for breakfast and lunch everyday we probably have a problem with the whole working-from-home thing.
Lastly, not much new on the adoption front. We are going to go to our first information session in July once we are moved. But in the meantime we are working our way through the paperwork so we can pretty much hand that all in at that meeting. Then we'll start the home study and I'm assuming some adoption classes? I hope we can move that pretty quickly once we're settled. This adoption agency that we are going to use seems great so far. They also don't have a waiting list per say. Everyone just gets put into a pool, and based on our autobiography, what we are looking for in a child and what the birth mom is looking for, they put you in front of people that way. We should get chosen pretty quickly because we are young, fun and oh so exciting, right? Right.
Onward and upward...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Hello & Good-bye
Hello friends. It has been a long time since I have been around these parts. I needed a break. A break from blogging, a break from reading blogs, a break from work, a break from fertility treatments, a break from telling my story, from life, from Chicago. From everything basically. And now I am back and refreshed and rejuvenated.
Our frozen embryo transfer did not work. I had a feeling it didn't work after a few days, and it was confirmed right before we left for Florida for vacation. At least when it doesn't work you are allowed to drink and have all the fun you stopped yourself from having while you were undergoing treatments. So we had fun in Florida, some drinks and some sun, and eating bad things. We played in the 80 degree waters of the Gulf and watched many sunsets. It was glorious.
Also, right before we left for Florida we got official word that we will be leaving our beautiful Chicago and moving to New York/Connecticut for my Kevin's job. We are so excited, and it has come at a perfect time. We are excited for a fresh start.
With that news, we have decided that we are done with fertility treatments. I still have 3 frozen embryos left, and they will remain that way for the time being. After 5 fresh IVF cycles, and 3 frozen cycles, it's time to get off this train. And I couldn't be happier. Yes, I wish it had worked, but I was starting to not even get excited if it did work. I think I just needed a break from it all. So we are moving on full steam ahead with adoption. We going to do domestic and hopefully one day in the not so distant future bring home a newborn. I've already found an agency in Connecticut that is already very responsive and has even offered to help with anything we might need to know about the area. But holy hell, this paperwork might be the death of me, but it's better than sticking a 2 inch needle in my ass any day :)
As we are saying good-bye to Chicago, we are saying good-bye to birthing our own child. But with each good-bye, means a chance for growth and renewal. As we are saying good-bye, we are also saying hello to that much more.
Our frozen embryo transfer did not work. I had a feeling it didn't work after a few days, and it was confirmed right before we left for Florida for vacation. At least when it doesn't work you are allowed to drink and have all the fun you stopped yourself from having while you were undergoing treatments. So we had fun in Florida, some drinks and some sun, and eating bad things. We played in the 80 degree waters of the Gulf and watched many sunsets. It was glorious.
Also, right before we left for Florida we got official word that we will be leaving our beautiful Chicago and moving to New York/Connecticut for my Kevin's job. We are so excited, and it has come at a perfect time. We are excited for a fresh start.
With that news, we have decided that we are done with fertility treatments. I still have 3 frozen embryos left, and they will remain that way for the time being. After 5 fresh IVF cycles, and 3 frozen cycles, it's time to get off this train. And I couldn't be happier. Yes, I wish it had worked, but I was starting to not even get excited if it did work. I think I just needed a break from it all. So we are moving on full steam ahead with adoption. We going to do domestic and hopefully one day in the not so distant future bring home a newborn. I've already found an agency in Connecticut that is already very responsive and has even offered to help with anything we might need to know about the area. But holy hell, this paperwork might be the death of me, but it's better than sticking a 2 inch needle in my ass any day :)
As we are saying good-bye to Chicago, we are saying good-bye to birthing our own child. But with each good-bye, means a chance for growth and renewal. As we are saying good-bye, we are also saying hello to that much more.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Let It Snow...Babies!
Today is the day! The day of my frozen embryo transfer, or I guess I should say "our embryo transfer" (we, Goose, we).
I have been preparing for the past month for this. First with lupron, which lasted almost 4 weeks, then estrogen, enough to light a full forrest fire, and now with progesterone. I have been trying to keep eating healthy, lots of green vegetables, tried to eat lower fat, and turned to decaf coffee, and now since Monday, absolutely NO coffee (not even decaf) and no amounts of caffeine have made it's way through my system.
So today I get to prepare mentally, and lazily. I get to watch Oprah, and lay on the couch. I have a movie to pop in, and bought a couple of fluffy fun books for when day time tv gets too boring. I made cookies last night, awesome cookies thanks to the Pioneer Woman, my new favorite blog. And it's raining here in Chi-town, so a perfect day to just laze around, even if I wasn't getting embryos emplanted in a few hours.
Here we go again, for the 836th time...
I have been preparing for the past month for this. First with lupron, which lasted almost 4 weeks, then estrogen, enough to light a full forrest fire, and now with progesterone. I have been trying to keep eating healthy, lots of green vegetables, tried to eat lower fat, and turned to decaf coffee, and now since Monday, absolutely NO coffee (not even decaf) and no amounts of caffeine have made it's way through my system.
So today I get to prepare mentally, and lazily. I get to watch Oprah, and lay on the couch. I have a movie to pop in, and bought a couple of fluffy fun books for when day time tv gets too boring. I made cookies last night, awesome cookies thanks to the Pioneer Woman, my new favorite blog. And it's raining here in Chi-town, so a perfect day to just laze around, even if I wasn't getting embryos emplanted in a few hours.
Here we go again, for the 836th time...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sweet Home, Chicago
I heart Chicago. I really do. I love it for many reasons, and there are many reasons to love it.
When Kevin and I first started dating, I was on my way out the door. I wanted to move to San Diego more than anything. I had already started to research jobs there and my apartment lease was going to end soon. I loved living in the city, but I wanted more. I wanted to feel the sun on my face 365 days a year, and not wait for summer to come every year like a child waits for Santa Claus. Though I was loving life, I never felt that connected to Chicago...until I met Kevin.
Kevin was from New York and saw all the good in Chicago. We'd drive by things, and he would always say things like..."see, Chicago is one of the greatest cities!" So slowly but surely, as I fell in love with my soon to be husband, I also fell in love with Chicago. Ten years after graduating college, I'm still here.
I have been to many cities in the central US and I have to say that Chicago has every city beat when it comes to the summer. We have beaches (even if you shouldn't really stick a toe in them), dog beaches, bike paths, acclaimed restaurants, lakefront running, and summer street festivals. You see the temp hit 60 and people flock outside to go on runs or bike rides or sit outside at a bar sipping beer. The city comes alive.
Just this weekend, I went for a run on Sunday. It had been raining all morning and finally there was a break and some sun. I hurriedly got on my running gear and made my way out the door. Twenty minutes later the skies clouded over and I was drenched from head to toe. But I didn't care. I kept running and watched parents out for walks with babies, other runners and kids all sprint home. Passing everyone we all just looked at each other and chuckled. Great Chicago day, eh?
So now that spring/summer is upon us, I will continue my love affair with Sweet Chicago. I'll keep running, or walking the dog, sip beers at outdoor cafes with the best of them, and even attend a street festival or two. Though come winter blizzard season, I can't promise I won't be begging to move to warmer weather.
When Kevin and I first started dating, I was on my way out the door. I wanted to move to San Diego more than anything. I had already started to research jobs there and my apartment lease was going to end soon. I loved living in the city, but I wanted more. I wanted to feel the sun on my face 365 days a year, and not wait for summer to come every year like a child waits for Santa Claus. Though I was loving life, I never felt that connected to Chicago...until I met Kevin.
Kevin was from New York and saw all the good in Chicago. We'd drive by things, and he would always say things like..."see, Chicago is one of the greatest cities!" So slowly but surely, as I fell in love with my soon to be husband, I also fell in love with Chicago. Ten years after graduating college, I'm still here.
I have been to many cities in the central US and I have to say that Chicago has every city beat when it comes to the summer. We have beaches (even if you shouldn't really stick a toe in them), dog beaches, bike paths, acclaimed restaurants, lakefront running, and summer street festivals. You see the temp hit 60 and people flock outside to go on runs or bike rides or sit outside at a bar sipping beer. The city comes alive.Just this weekend, I went for a run on Sunday. It had been raining all morning and finally there was a break and some sun. I hurriedly got on my running gear and made my way out the door. Twenty minutes later the skies clouded over and I was drenched from head to toe. But I didn't care. I kept running and watched parents out for walks with babies, other runners and kids all sprint home. Passing everyone we all just looked at each other and chuckled. Great Chicago day, eh?
So now that spring/summer is upon us, I will continue my love affair with Sweet Chicago. I'll keep running, or walking the dog, sip beers at outdoor cafes with the best of them, and even attend a street festival or two. Though come winter blizzard season, I can't promise I won't be begging to move to warmer weather.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday Fun, Caption It!
Happy Friday, Folks! I'm feeling a little flu-ish on the gorgeous Friday, but not much I can do about that. Thought it'd be fun to come up with a caption for this guy. As silly as this picture is, I really appreciate his perseverance! So come up with a fun caption!
Source:Damaske, Jim / St. Petersburg Times via Zuma Press
Have a great weekend!
"The first squirrel keg stand"
Source:Damaske, Jim / St. Petersburg Times via Zuma PressHave a great weekend!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
End of a Chapter?
I feel lighter and giddier today than I have in awhile, except for the fact that I had to get up at 6am to get to the doctor's office, but I digress.
After the longest frozen embryo transfer cycle in history, I finally know that we will do the transfer on April 30th. We have five strong blastocyst snow babies to work with, so I feel...umm...mediocre about the whole thing. Plain and simple, I'm not so sure that getting pregnant is in the cards for me anymore. You don't go through 4 negative IVF cycles, and losing a pregnancy and not feel a little cynical. Though, I don't really view it as cynical anymore...it's more of a reality now. And that reality is what helps me get through the day. If I was feeling down on the world, and sad, I would be miserable to be around. But knowing that my reality might include adopted children is what I've been coming to terms with and something that I now truly accept. It is what it is.
A week or so ago I finished a fabulous booked called The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. The book is written from the dog's point of view, about his owner that is going through some hardships in his life. It is a GREAT book, an easy read, and if you are a dog lover, I recommend it even more. I couldn't read it fast enough and got through it in 2 days. The dog feels he is one notch away from being a human and has a very philosophical view on life. He has a mantra, "that which you manifest is before you." The dog, Enzo, loves this saying and repeats it often. I was interested in seeing what the author had to say about writing this book, and he brought up that quote. Here is an excerpt of what Mr. Stein had to say about the quote:
First, Enzo's mantra: "That which you manifest is before you." I think it's very important to take
charge of your life, not to feel like you're a victim of circumstance or fate, but that you are an active participant in your future. It's not a new idea: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." (Lennon/McCartney) Where I focus my energy always matches what comes back to me in my life.
I loved this idea especially as someone who has been through infertility and often feels like the victim, or like God is out to get me. But that's not true...I'm an equal participant here too. But as I look to next week, I can't help but being a little excited about our future family. And if this chapter closes for us, the story is not even close to being over.
After the longest frozen embryo transfer cycle in history, I finally know that we will do the transfer on April 30th. We have five strong blastocyst snow babies to work with, so I feel...umm...mediocre about the whole thing. Plain and simple, I'm not so sure that getting pregnant is in the cards for me anymore. You don't go through 4 negative IVF cycles, and losing a pregnancy and not feel a little cynical. Though, I don't really view it as cynical anymore...it's more of a reality now. And that reality is what helps me get through the day. If I was feeling down on the world, and sad, I would be miserable to be around. But knowing that my reality might include adopted children is what I've been coming to terms with and something that I now truly accept. It is what it is.
A week or so ago I finished a fabulous booked called The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. The book is written from the dog's point of view, about his owner that is going through some hardships in his life. It is a GREAT book, an easy read, and if you are a dog lover, I recommend it even more. I couldn't read it fast enough and got through it in 2 days. The dog feels he is one notch away from being a human and has a very philosophical view on life. He has a mantra, "that which you manifest is before you." The dog, Enzo, loves this saying and repeats it often. I was interested in seeing what the author had to say about writing this book, and he brought up that quote. Here is an excerpt of what Mr. Stein had to say about the quote:
First, Enzo's mantra: "That which you manifest is before you." I think it's very important to take
charge of your life, not to feel like you're a victim of circumstance or fate, but that you are an active participant in your future. It's not a new idea: "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." (Lennon/McCartney) Where I focus my energy always matches what comes back to me in my life.
I loved this idea especially as someone who has been through infertility and often feels like the victim, or like God is out to get me. But that's not true...I'm an equal participant here too. But as I look to next week, I can't help but being a little excited about our future family. And if this chapter closes for us, the story is not even close to being over.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday Fun
I think this is the secret to life...not only realizing that men operate completely different from women, but accepting it 100%. But really, not only are women way more complicated, but is it really that easy to just flip the "off" switch for men? Very interesting...Also, for Friday Fun, one of my favorite authors is releasing a book in May. It's about her growing up in the 80s, so to prepare she has been having people send in photos from 80s dances, etc. It is HILARIOUS. If you need a chuckle today, head over here. Yesterday's post (the wedding photo especially) had tears streaming down my face. Plus, she's from Chicago so I might biased.
Have a great weekend!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Fat & Tired
This weekend what a whirlwind of excitement! It was non-stop filled with fun, eating and drinking and spending time with family.
Friday, I had gotten some tickets to go to Oprah! Having lived in Chicago for the past 10 years, I thought it was time that I finally went. I had never been, even having friends who have worked there. My sister and mom picked me up, and we headed to breakfast. After eating enough to sustain us until at least 3pm, we headed over to the studio. We got there early, but they were letting people in, so it was fine. Plus I wanted to try to get there a little early so we try to get better seats. After we arrived, and a cavity check (kidding, but not far from the truth), they ushered us up into a room where we sat. And sat. And sat some more. After waiting for 2 hours, we finally got to enter the studio. At this point we still did not know what the show was going to be about, but upon entering, we saw lit up on the backdrop the title. We'll have to wait until it airs, but it was a pretty great show. Afterwards, the Divine Miss O sat and talked to the audience for about 30 minutes. This was probably my favorite part! She is gracious, humbled and funny, and everything you'd think of her to be like. I love her. I really think that if she met me, we'd be friends, and maybe her, me and Jennifer Aniston could all go out for a bite.
The show finally ended and we had been there for almost 5 hours so we were hungry. Since it was my mom's birthday the next day, we headed to Afternoon Tea at the Peninsula. It was just what we needed to unwind. And the champagne didn't hurt either. It was a perfect end to spending some times with my favorite ladies.
Saturday we met my family out for an Italian dinner at a nearby BYOB restaurant. Another delicious meal and great wine. We had tickets to see a band at Schuba's. Ran into an old college friend, and had a blast. The night ended all too late, and we had to be up and moving for the White Sox game on Sunday. Kevin had gotten the suite through work, and that's just not something you pass up. More eating and sipping some bloody mary's, and a great game.
I am fat and tired after my long weekend, but it beats being skinny and having too much energy because we didn't do anything. It's weekends like this you realize you are blessed with what you do have in life. And even it takes these old bones all week to recover from the debauchery it was well worth it.
Friday, I had gotten some tickets to go to Oprah! Having lived in Chicago for the past 10 years, I thought it was time that I finally went. I had never been, even having friends who have worked there. My sister and mom picked me up, and we headed to breakfast. After eating enough to sustain us until at least 3pm, we headed over to the studio. We got there early, but they were letting people in, so it was fine. Plus I wanted to try to get there a little early so we try to get better seats. After we arrived, and a cavity check (kidding, but not far from the truth), they ushered us up into a room where we sat. And sat. And sat some more. After waiting for 2 hours, we finally got to enter the studio. At this point we still did not know what the show was going to be about, but upon entering, we saw lit up on the backdrop the title. We'll have to wait until it airs, but it was a pretty great show. Afterwards, the Divine Miss O sat and talked to the audience for about 30 minutes. This was probably my favorite part! She is gracious, humbled and funny, and everything you'd think of her to be like. I love her. I really think that if she met me, we'd be friends, and maybe her, me and Jennifer Aniston could all go out for a bite.
The show finally ended and we had been there for almost 5 hours so we were hungry. Since it was my mom's birthday the next day, we headed to Afternoon Tea at the Peninsula. It was just what we needed to unwind. And the champagne didn't hurt either. It was a perfect end to spending some times with my favorite ladies.
Saturday we met my family out for an Italian dinner at a nearby BYOB restaurant. Another delicious meal and great wine. We had tickets to see a band at Schuba's. Ran into an old college friend, and had a blast. The night ended all too late, and we had to be up and moving for the White Sox game on Sunday. Kevin had gotten the suite through work, and that's just not something you pass up. More eating and sipping some bloody mary's, and a great game.
I am fat and tired after my long weekend, but it beats being skinny and having too much energy because we didn't do anything. It's weekends like this you realize you are blessed with what you do have in life. And even it takes these old bones all week to recover from the debauchery it was well worth it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Head Drowning, Under Water
Yesterday after work I was so completely exhausted into a lupron stupor, I decided to skip the gym, but walked home from work. It's a great way to get my exercise in, get from point a to point b, and also have some time to myself. I came home sweaty and tired, and after some pizza went to bed early. I felt relaxed which was great since I had to get up early this morning for my bloodwork and ultrasound appointment. I had to be downtown by 6:30am. So you can imagine my surprise when I woke up at 6:28am.
Early this morning, I woke up at 4am to a snoring hubby and after slugging him a few times, the snoring was not stopping. So I tiptoed into the guest bedroom to try to get some sleep. This is not infrequent, I often go there in the middle of night. There is just something about the bed in there that puts me to sleep instantly. After an hour and a half of thinking about super important things like "Is LC really going to make up with Heidi and Spencer?" "What's going to happen to Jack Bauer...is he really going to die from this virus...certainly not, right?" "Where's Bailey and why doesn't she come in the guestroom and snuggle with me? ...what's that you say? Because all I do is poke her until making her leave me and goes and finds the sleeping room where Papa is." It really is hard to sleep with so many life altering things running through my head.
I finally start to fall asleep and know that even though I have left our room, my wonderful, responsible husband of 6 1/2 years will come and get me when the alarm goes off at 6:07am (I always set it at odd times). So I was really surprised to be awoken from a dream of Bailey trying to jump over a fence (?) at 6:28am when I had to be at the doctor's office in 2 minutes. I jumped out of bed, threw on clothes sans underwear and a bra over my Little Miss Trouble t-shirt, tied my hair in a bun and stuck a toothbrush in my mouth for all of 15 seconds. Shoes unlaced, I ran out of the house and made it to the doctor's office. The nurse was waiting up front, reading a magazine, looking none to happy. She made me sit nek-ed in the room for over 10 minutes while she talked on the phone. Payback's a bitch.
I got home from all the fun of getting needles and ultrasound wands plunged into my body and jumped right back into bed. I then told my wonderful husband of 6 1/2 years that the nurse was going to leave if I didn't show up soon, but thank goodness she didn't! His reply..."sounds like you made it there at the perfect time then." Yes, just perfect.
Early this morning, I woke up at 4am to a snoring hubby and after slugging him a few times, the snoring was not stopping. So I tiptoed into the guest bedroom to try to get some sleep. This is not infrequent, I often go there in the middle of night. There is just something about the bed in there that puts me to sleep instantly. After an hour and a half of thinking about super important things like "Is LC really going to make up with Heidi and Spencer?" "What's going to happen to Jack Bauer...is he really going to die from this virus...certainly not, right?" "Where's Bailey and why doesn't she come in the guestroom and snuggle with me? ...what's that you say? Because all I do is poke her until making her leave me and goes and finds the sleeping room where Papa is." It really is hard to sleep with so many life altering things running through my head.
I finally start to fall asleep and know that even though I have left our room, my wonderful, responsible husband of 6 1/2 years will come and get me when the alarm goes off at 6:07am (I always set it at odd times). So I was really surprised to be awoken from a dream of Bailey trying to jump over a fence (?) at 6:28am when I had to be at the doctor's office in 2 minutes. I jumped out of bed, threw on clothes sans underwear and a bra over my Little Miss Trouble t-shirt, tied my hair in a bun and stuck a toothbrush in my mouth for all of 15 seconds. Shoes unlaced, I ran out of the house and made it to the doctor's office. The nurse was waiting up front, reading a magazine, looking none to happy. She made me sit nek-ed in the room for over 10 minutes while she talked on the phone. Payback's a bitch.
I got home from all the fun of getting needles and ultrasound wands plunged into my body and jumped right back into bed. I then told my wonderful husband of 6 1/2 years that the nurse was going to leave if I didn't show up soon, but thank goodness she didn't! His reply..."sounds like you made it there at the perfect time then." Yes, just perfect.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Head Above Water
Lately, I feel as if I'm a little girl learning how to swim again. While holding onto the wall, the swim instructor telling me to put my head in the water and blow bubbles, all while kicking my legs. Eventually the instructor lets me off the wall to try to kick and blow bubbles with my arms outstretched in front of me, trying to kick to the other side of the pool. Lately, I feel like I need to just hold onto that wall and work on the blowing bubbles.
We have had a lot going on, all great great things, but sometimes when great things start happening, I have to catch my breath. We've waited and waited and waited for so many things for so long, that when things start moving in the right direction, I have forgotten how to move along with it without swallowing some water (or getting it up my nose, which really does burn).
I officially sent in our application to the adoption agency. They called and said we have been officially accepted and we have a case worker now assigned to us. I'm so used to IVF doctors and nurses and sometimes cranky receptionists, I now will have to learn how a case worker operates. We should be getting a huge box in the mail any day now, and apparently it's filled with goodies! Like paperwork to get fingerprints, criminal and financial background checks, medical forms (no honey, you still won't have to have that checked out yet), and immigration forms. So it's exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. Just how it should be I suspect.
While I've been dealing with that, I also have been on lupron for the past 2 weeks for our frozen cycle. I go in this week for some bloodwork and ultrasound and should find out when the transfer will be. I'm thinking in the next couple of weeks. Before we can really move forward with adoption, I believe we need to "be done" with trying for a baby on our own, at least at the very present time we are adopting. In the home study they will ask about our fertility issues and we can't presently be trying to have a baby on our own if we are going to be traveling 1/2 way around the world to adopt a baby. So we do have some time to get the paper work, but knowing me, I will want it done as soon as possible.
All while those little issues (you know, adoption and doing a frozen embryo transfer, such little inconsequential things in life) have been going on, we have another possible thing on the horizon that I can not comment too much about yet. But it's exciting as well, but takes us out of our comfort zone yet again.
So with that, and a jam packed calendar for the next couple of months, I need to find a minute to blow out the bubbles. Perhaps I just need to kick a little harder, but there's no question, I can not hold onto the wall forever. 2009 won't let me, and that's fine by me. Some of the best things in life come when we are thrown in the deep end.
We have had a lot going on, all great great things, but sometimes when great things start happening, I have to catch my breath. We've waited and waited and waited for so many things for so long, that when things start moving in the right direction, I have forgotten how to move along with it without swallowing some water (or getting it up my nose, which really does burn).
I officially sent in our application to the adoption agency. They called and said we have been officially accepted and we have a case worker now assigned to us. I'm so used to IVF doctors and nurses and sometimes cranky receptionists, I now will have to learn how a case worker operates. We should be getting a huge box in the mail any day now, and apparently it's filled with goodies! Like paperwork to get fingerprints, criminal and financial background checks, medical forms (no honey, you still won't have to have that checked out yet), and immigration forms. So it's exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. Just how it should be I suspect.
While I've been dealing with that, I also have been on lupron for the past 2 weeks for our frozen cycle. I go in this week for some bloodwork and ultrasound and should find out when the transfer will be. I'm thinking in the next couple of weeks. Before we can really move forward with adoption, I believe we need to "be done" with trying for a baby on our own, at least at the very present time we are adopting. In the home study they will ask about our fertility issues and we can't presently be trying to have a baby on our own if we are going to be traveling 1/2 way around the world to adopt a baby. So we do have some time to get the paper work, but knowing me, I will want it done as soon as possible.
All while those little issues (you know, adoption and doing a frozen embryo transfer, such little inconsequential things in life) have been going on, we have another possible thing on the horizon that I can not comment too much about yet. But it's exciting as well, but takes us out of our comfort zone yet again.
So with that, and a jam packed calendar for the next couple of months, I need to find a minute to blow out the bubbles. Perhaps I just need to kick a little harder, but there's no question, I can not hold onto the wall forever. 2009 won't let me, and that's fine by me. Some of the best things in life come when we are thrown in the deep end.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Friday Fun
Happy Friday, peeps :) I was going to have a game of "Where's Joelle?" (similar to Where's Waldo?) since I haven't been around these parts much lately but decided against that.
There has been so much going on lately, that I feel like my head is going to explode! And a lot of it isn't even "my" stuff, but my husband's or my girl friend's. But you know you get to the point where your brain is on overload? What do you do? I sleep, and I love it.
I've been doped up on Lupron for a good week and 1/2 now. It makes me feel like Will Ferrell in Old School after he gets shot in the neck with the horse tranquilizer. I feel like a big grizzly bear trying to hibernate, but things (work, the dog, my husband) keep getting in the way of my want to sleep for 26 straight hours. I've been using caffeine to help me through these difficult times. I don't even want to hear it. I tried people, but last weekend, I saw the whipped cream sitting in my fridge and thought how delicious it would be on some homemade coffee. So I unpacked our coffee pot, set it up and threw the box away so I could never pack up my good friend again. I have been having mostly decaf, or at least half and half.
Hopefully this weekend will be a restful one! I leave you with a photo of my favorite tshirt. I have a thing for graphic tshirts that I wear to bed, or mostly in the summer. I have a bunch, and love them all equally (perhaps I will show you them all sometime, fun, huh?). My first one, that started this obsession, is a tshirt my husband got when he was in 6th grade that had everyone's names on it from his class. It's mustard yellow, but super soft, and I love it. The one below I got in a candy store in NYC (if you are in NYC this place must be checked out). Since Easter is around the corner, I thought it was appropriate. Have a good weekend, peeps.
There has been so much going on lately, that I feel like my head is going to explode! And a lot of it isn't even "my" stuff, but my husband's or my girl friend's. But you know you get to the point where your brain is on overload? What do you do? I sleep, and I love it.
I've been doped up on Lupron for a good week and 1/2 now. It makes me feel like Will Ferrell in Old School after he gets shot in the neck with the horse tranquilizer. I feel like a big grizzly bear trying to hibernate, but things (work, the dog, my husband) keep getting in the way of my want to sleep for 26 straight hours. I've been using caffeine to help me through these difficult times. I don't even want to hear it. I tried people, but last weekend, I saw the whipped cream sitting in my fridge and thought how delicious it would be on some homemade coffee. So I unpacked our coffee pot, set it up and threw the box away so I could never pack up my good friend again. I have been having mostly decaf, or at least half and half.
Hopefully this weekend will be a restful one! I leave you with a photo of my favorite tshirt. I have a thing for graphic tshirts that I wear to bed, or mostly in the summer. I have a bunch, and love them all equally (perhaps I will show you them all sometime, fun, huh?). My first one, that started this obsession, is a tshirt my husband got when he was in 6th grade that had everyone's names on it from his class. It's mustard yellow, but super soft, and I love it. The one below I got in a candy store in NYC (if you are in NYC this place must be checked out). Since Easter is around the corner, I thought it was appropriate. Have a good weekend, peeps.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Reconnecting & Recharging
Whenever Kevin leaves town for a good amount of time, I try to plan outings with my friends. Dealing with all that we have in the past 2 1/2 years I often pull away from them, especially the friends with kids. It's hard if I'm on fertility drugs, or waiting to hear if a cycle worked or not. I just can't go out and have a cocktail or hang out at a bar. And driving to the suburbs too see their cute families snug in their white picket fenced homes, is a little less than desirable. But I love my friends, and I love our friendships, so I must step up to the plate and put my own feelings aside. Since Kevin has been in Dubai for the past week and not coming back until Wednesday, it was time for me to do exactly that.
On Thursday I met my 2 best friends out for sushi at a new trendy restaurant downtown. We completely lost track of time and before we knew it, we had been there for 3 hours! It was great as we all spent literally about an hour talking about what is going on in our lives...and it's interesting because we are all at different stages. One friend is pregnant (first try, and she was having marital problems right before she got pregnant...I've made peace with it and am SO happy for), (oh, she's moving a couple of blocks from us, and don't think I don't plan to be there every day after work to hold that preciousness). My other friend is not married, and dating a man who has commitment issues, making her a little neurotic. And, well, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you know what I contributed to the conversation. It's a friendship I treasure greatly, and am so thankful to have them in my life.
Today I am heading to do some shopping with my mom. Whenever Kevin is away, my parents make ME hang out with them. It's really cute that I am 32 and they are still watching out for me. My dad even called yesterday to see if he could meet us for lunch.
Tomorrow I am getting up early to work out with my oldest friends (since 4th grade). My friend has some free passes at a swanky gym downtown, and then we are heading out to the suburbs to have brunch with the suburban constituent of these friends. During college and the years proceeding, we all kind of went our different directions, but somehow we all came back together. We get together about once a month for brunch, dinner, or board game playing and I'm amazed that I am still with these girls.
When Kevin's gone, it's a time to reconnect with others in my life. It's a time to recharge not only my batteries, but my relationships as well. I know I'm not always the best friend that I can be, but all of these people in my life won't let me go. If it weren't for them, all of them, and their unique personalities and traits, I might not have come out from my dark place, or may have completely lost my mind. But then again, who wants to miss sushi, shopping and brunch?
On Thursday I met my 2 best friends out for sushi at a new trendy restaurant downtown. We completely lost track of time and before we knew it, we had been there for 3 hours! It was great as we all spent literally about an hour talking about what is going on in our lives...and it's interesting because we are all at different stages. One friend is pregnant (first try, and she was having marital problems right before she got pregnant...I've made peace with it and am SO happy for), (oh, she's moving a couple of blocks from us, and don't think I don't plan to be there every day after work to hold that preciousness). My other friend is not married, and dating a man who has commitment issues, making her a little neurotic. And, well, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you know what I contributed to the conversation. It's a friendship I treasure greatly, and am so thankful to have them in my life.
Today I am heading to do some shopping with my mom. Whenever Kevin is away, my parents make ME hang out with them. It's really cute that I am 32 and they are still watching out for me. My dad even called yesterday to see if he could meet us for lunch.
Tomorrow I am getting up early to work out with my oldest friends (since 4th grade). My friend has some free passes at a swanky gym downtown, and then we are heading out to the suburbs to have brunch with the suburban constituent of these friends. During college and the years proceeding, we all kind of went our different directions, but somehow we all came back together. We get together about once a month for brunch, dinner, or board game playing and I'm amazed that I am still with these girls.
When Kevin's gone, it's a time to reconnect with others in my life. It's a time to recharge not only my batteries, but my relationships as well. I know I'm not always the best friend that I can be, but all of these people in my life won't let me go. If it weren't for them, all of them, and their unique personalities and traits, I might not have come out from my dark place, or may have completely lost my mind. But then again, who wants to miss sushi, shopping and brunch?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Death of a Java Queen
Dear Mr. Coffee,
I miss you and your services. I can not stop thinking about you, and I want to cry for what we used to have.
See, I know of lot of people who have gone through IVF and assisted reproduction methods and they have given up coffee and caffeine entirely. One blog I read she said she packed up the coffee pot all together when she was going through IVF. That made my heart hurt just a little bit, because no one should have to pack up their coffee pot. I mean, I'm ready to turn tricks in our alley just to have a sip, with CAFFEINE, not that crap ol' decaf people try to pass off as real coffee. But I am now on day three of not having you, and still counting the hours, minutes, seconds, since we were together.
As you can tell, going without my daily Dunkin' Donuts is making me cranky. Don't get wrong, in our past IVF cycles I have cut way down on coffee, maybe just having decaf and perhaps a diet coke in the afternoon. Not so this time. No cheating here. I've gone to the other side. I've been cheating on you with your archnemesis...TEA! Oh the horrors. While the tea is aromatic in its own right, and a little smoother on my tummy, it's not you. You are one of a kind. And dammit, I miss you so.
I just wanted to write you this letter to tell I miss you. And when this is all over in a couple of months or 9, we will meet again. I will drink you with my splenda and whipped cream (so so so freakin' delish if you've never tried it) with so much love and admiration. Until then, please turn a weary eye if you see me in the alley.
Forever yours,
Joelle
I miss you and your services. I can not stop thinking about you, and I want to cry for what we used to have.
See, I know of lot of people who have gone through IVF and assisted reproduction methods and they have given up coffee and caffeine entirely. One blog I read she said she packed up the coffee pot all together when she was going through IVF. That made my heart hurt just a little bit, because no one should have to pack up their coffee pot. I mean, I'm ready to turn tricks in our alley just to have a sip, with CAFFEINE, not that crap ol' decaf people try to pass off as real coffee. But I am now on day three of not having you, and still counting the hours, minutes, seconds, since we were together.
As you can tell, going without my daily Dunkin' Donuts is making me cranky. Don't get wrong, in our past IVF cycles I have cut way down on coffee, maybe just having decaf and perhaps a diet coke in the afternoon. Not so this time. No cheating here. I've gone to the other side. I've been cheating on you with your archnemesis...TEA! Oh the horrors. While the tea is aromatic in its own right, and a little smoother on my tummy, it's not you. You are one of a kind. And dammit, I miss you so.
I just wanted to write you this letter to tell I miss you. And when this is all over in a couple of months or 9, we will meet again. I will drink you with my splenda and whipped cream (so so so freakin' delish if you've never tried it) with so much love and admiration. Until then, please turn a weary eye if you see me in the alley.
Forever yours,
Joelle
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Back in the Saddle
So here we are again...back in the saddle that is branded with infertility. We have some new developments and are moving along.
First, as I think I have mentioned before, we have 5 snow babies, or 5 frozen embryos, or 5 babe-sycles...whatever you feel like calling them. Apparently our RE has a 95% success rate of thawing out these babes, and a little higher rate than his fresh cycles for success. I am, as always, cautiously optimistic. We might get a couple of goes with the frozen cycle. They thaw out 2, see how they do, and if they need to thaw a couple more, or one more, they will before our transfer. I am anxious to get it underway for a couple of reasons. One, I'm really almost at the point to put a stop to this madness. Not having my body belong to me anymore, succumbing to the infertility drugs, is getting old. We started our first IVF cycle 2 years ago. And ever since then I have been on some sort of fertility drugs or pregnancy. It's a long time, too long. It's just about time to move on. But there is still that bit of hope I am holding out that it will work.
In the meantime, I am starting our paper work for a Russian adoption. This is something that I've been thinking about for almost a year now. I did some research with it, and it just felt "right." There just seemed to be little signs everywhere. It's easiest and quickest to get a little boy from Russia, and I was pregnant with a boy. We named the baby Nicholas, and obviously the babies are given Russian names, like Nikolai. Air fare to Moscow is especially inexpensive from Chicago, and every day on our way into work and on my way home, I would see a huge billboard at one intersection from American about the Moscow non-stop flight. These might seem inane to some, but for me, it all started to add up.
We have been signed up for the general adoption class at the agency that I chose, but have missed it 2 or 3 times already. I went to sign up for another one a couple of weeks ago and found that they closed the Russian program. After a mild freak out, I called my sister who is in the process of adopting from Russia (weird coincidence, I have actually been thinking about it a lot longer than her, and she is just waiting for her referral). She told me about her agency that works nationally, so that is who we'll use for the Russian adoption. At first I was kind of bummed that she stole my thunder with the whole thing...but then I realized it's probably another sign, and if we do follow through it, how cool will that be to have cousins that are from the same country? And she can do it all first and tell me what to expect. She's been telling me what to expect my whole life anyway (with high school, college, soriety rush, moving to Chicago, doing triathlons, the list goes on and on).
I am all over the board with feelings, including fear, anxiety, stress, happiness, feeling like a weight is slowing lifting off my shoulders. But mostly I'm tired. I feel like I can't sleep enough and when I do sleep it's uneasy. I think my brain and my heart are just going through some changes. I know from the bottom of my heart that everything will be ok and work out how it's supposed to. I just need to keep pushing a bit to find the answers on our journey. Thankfully, I have the best husband in the world to take this journey with, so that of course makes it easier.
So, we are at the start of one journey, and ending another. We are still unsure where 2009 is going to take us, but it will be somewhere. And somewhere fantastic.
First, as I think I have mentioned before, we have 5 snow babies, or 5 frozen embryos, or 5 babe-sycles...whatever you feel like calling them. Apparently our RE has a 95% success rate of thawing out these babes, and a little higher rate than his fresh cycles for success. I am, as always, cautiously optimistic. We might get a couple of goes with the frozen cycle. They thaw out 2, see how they do, and if they need to thaw a couple more, or one more, they will before our transfer. I am anxious to get it underway for a couple of reasons. One, I'm really almost at the point to put a stop to this madness. Not having my body belong to me anymore, succumbing to the infertility drugs, is getting old. We started our first IVF cycle 2 years ago. And ever since then I have been on some sort of fertility drugs or pregnancy. It's a long time, too long. It's just about time to move on. But there is still that bit of hope I am holding out that it will work.
In the meantime, I am starting our paper work for a Russian adoption. This is something that I've been thinking about for almost a year now. I did some research with it, and it just felt "right." There just seemed to be little signs everywhere. It's easiest and quickest to get a little boy from Russia, and I was pregnant with a boy. We named the baby Nicholas, and obviously the babies are given Russian names, like Nikolai. Air fare to Moscow is especially inexpensive from Chicago, and every day on our way into work and on my way home, I would see a huge billboard at one intersection from American about the Moscow non-stop flight. These might seem inane to some, but for me, it all started to add up.
We have been signed up for the general adoption class at the agency that I chose, but have missed it 2 or 3 times already. I went to sign up for another one a couple of weeks ago and found that they closed the Russian program. After a mild freak out, I called my sister who is in the process of adopting from Russia (weird coincidence, I have actually been thinking about it a lot longer than her, and she is just waiting for her referral). She told me about her agency that works nationally, so that is who we'll use for the Russian adoption. At first I was kind of bummed that she stole my thunder with the whole thing...but then I realized it's probably another sign, and if we do follow through it, how cool will that be to have cousins that are from the same country? And she can do it all first and tell me what to expect. She's been telling me what to expect my whole life anyway (with high school, college, soriety rush, moving to Chicago, doing triathlons, the list goes on and on).
I am all over the board with feelings, including fear, anxiety, stress, happiness, feeling like a weight is slowing lifting off my shoulders. But mostly I'm tired. I feel like I can't sleep enough and when I do sleep it's uneasy. I think my brain and my heart are just going through some changes. I know from the bottom of my heart that everything will be ok and work out how it's supposed to. I just need to keep pushing a bit to find the answers on our journey. Thankfully, I have the best husband in the world to take this journey with, so that of course makes it easier.
So, we are at the start of one journey, and ending another. We are still unsure where 2009 is going to take us, but it will be somewhere. And somewhere fantastic.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friday Fun
Happy Friday! This week seemed very long to me. Maybe cuz I had a sick hubby at home, or maybe because the constant monotony of work seems to be never ending. Whatever the case, it's the first day of spring, so time for celebration! Yay! Hello, Mother Nature? Care to catch up to your season?
I was thinking about vacation because I desperately need one. And since I was up since 5am this morning for no apparent reason, I've been playing on the computer. Came across our Santa Barbara photos from last September that I kind of forgot about. This sign makes me smile.
Have a great weekend, and a big glass of wine if you feel so inclined!
I was thinking about vacation because I desperately need one. And since I was up since 5am this morning for no apparent reason, I've been playing on the computer. Came across our Santa Barbara photos from last September that I kind of forgot about. This sign makes me smile.
Have a great weekend, and a big glass of wine if you feel so inclined!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Luck of the Irish
Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Quiet Space
When I was in high school, we’d often go to retreats with our class at some location a few hours away. The locations were remote, with minimal distractions, and a kind of quiet that can often drive a city girl to insanity. I went to an
I remember one exercise where we had to close our eyes and someone took us through a visualization exercise. Vividly I remember that this woman asked us to find our happy place that we could escape to in our thoughts whenever we might need to. She really wanted us to think it through, and come up with some place that we had been, and that we loved, and was serene. To this day, when I can’t fall asleep because I have too much on my mind I go back to that place I thought up on that fateful day in high school. And often when I can’t get unsettlingly thoughts out of my head I sift through the thoughts in my mind to instantly go there.
I am walking on the beach in
As I get older and more involved in life with work, family, baby making, I find it harder to escape to some place quiet. Perhaps that’s why I still use my high school quiet place, but it still works, so why mess with a good thing. I’ve tried using Italy, Greece or Hawaii for this exercise, but I find I just stress myself out thinking I want to go back to these places and it will be a little while before we get to go back. So I head to
Lately, with the mundane winter, and blistery cold, I have found my own personal space at work during lunch. There is a huge hotel connected to my building. I have started going there almost every day during the lunch hour as a kind of escape. It’s pretty quiet, filled with business people chatting on self phones, or inconspicuously chanting a speech they are going to have to give in one of the hotels conference rooms. I find a huge comfy chair, and read my book, or just close my eyes and let the steady hum of the space clear my thoughts. I stay for about an hour and just watch business travelers, friends, families or couples come and go.
Today, I sat in an oversized, billowy chair reading my book. I kept reading the same line over and over again, because it was more fun to people watch instead of read. I finally did get into my book only to hear the subtle snores of a gentleman who had surrendered to the plush chair. I looked over at him, and he opened his eyes, seemingly embarrassed. But he just closed his eyes again and went back to sleep. I just closed my book, and packed up the remnants of my lunch to leave this man to his quiet space. But I didn’t mind, I can share a good thing when I find it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Love Bug
Three and half years ago, I went to get a hair cut. It was getting chilly this Saturday in October, and we had just bought our new condo and were still getting things set up in our first home. We were so excited and every day Kevin came home from work there would be something new set up, or a new photo hung. This Saturday I was going to a new salon in our new neighborhood (which is scary enough). I got my haircut and decided to walk the mile or so home. I knew Kevin was at Home Depot getting some light bulbs and anything else we needed, so he wouldn't be able to pick me up. As I walked into our sparkly new home, I looked at Kevin sitting on the couch and he was pale. He looked sickened. He said, "I did something really bad." I thought, oh no, he bought a flat screen we can't afford, or he bought a ladder or something. I looked at the floor and saw that his favorite bowl (a nasty plastic orange bowl that he got out of Wheeties box when he was like 7 that no matter what you do to the thing it will just reappear) was on the floor with water in it. I walked around the couch and saw the tiniest, cutest little chocolate lab I'd ever laid eyes. I instantly fell in love.
(She was so tiny when we got her, she would hide under our chest)
We named her Bailey because we LOVE Bailey's (the liquor). Our wedding cake was also made with Bailey's (which was delicious btw). So it was perfect for our new little chocolate lab. And it sounds great whether you're screaming it, or petting her ears.
(Bailey likes to lay down on the dirty laundry while I'm sorting it...she won't get off of it)
In the past few years, Bailey has given us our full share of headaches. She has chewed our bedding, countless dog beds, pillows from our couch, shoes, brand new boots, towels, balls, toys, new furniture, old furniture...the list goes on. She got kicked out of dog boarding and we had to stop taking her to obedience classes because she couldn't sit still or stop barking. She's been sick too! She had worms when we first got her, and a couple of years ago, she got so sick that we were almost faced with that she wouldn't pull through. She has stolen raw Italian sausage off the counter when I was cooking. When you're sitting watching tv, she will run down the hall with your shoes, making you either get up, or take her out. She is oh so smart, and stubborn and completely lovable all wrapped into one.
(She almost died this day, but I was able to get a picture before I lost it)
But she has also turned into one of my strongest rocks. When we lost the baby and I was at home and Kevin had gone back to work...those were my darkest days. I needed them to be though. I needed to cry it out, all day long for as long as I needed. But every time a crying spell started Bailey would come up to lick my tears. The first few times she seemed concerned and would stare at me, but after numerous crying spells, she would come up, lick some tears and go back to sleep. She still does this if I cry.
(This is how we love her best, sleeping...but how cute...don't you want to just rub her ears?)
She seemed to sense that I needed her to be there, but also added in just enough "Bailey" to the mix so I remembered just who was boss. With every negative pregnancy test, and every tear shed Bailey has been right by my side. We've cuddled on the couch when I needed her most, just to feel a warm body next to me. But if I go into a deeper place, she doesn't let me sit there for very long. She throws herself into me, so I take her out with her ball. So that I need to snap out of it. If I'm cranky and want to be alone, I look to see Bailey staring at me, eyes penetrating to my sole, as if to say you still have me, and oh, you might want to put your shoes on take me outside with my ball.
So here's to my Love Bug, Pumpkin Munchkin, Sweets, Bails, Bailzers, Ms. B, Sweet Bailey B, Sweety Bs. I think I just embarrassed her.
(She was so tiny when we got her, she would hide under our chest)
(Bailey likes to lay down on the dirty laundry while I'm sorting it...she won't get off of it)
(She almost died this day, but I was able to get a picture before I lost it)
(This is how we love her best, sleeping...but how cute...don't you want to just rub her ears?)
So here's to my Love Bug, Pumpkin Munchkin, Sweets, Bails, Bailzers, Ms. B, Sweet Bailey B, Sweety Bs. I think I just embarrassed her.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The End Has No End
So what do we do after we've had another failed IVF cycle, our money is running out and we truly feel at the end of our rope? We pick up the pieces and move on. And we make a plan.
We have 5 snowbabies left from this cycle, though I don't have a lot of faith in frozen children. We've done these transfers before with no luck, so it's hard to remain optimistic. But we'll go ahead next month and unfreeze those babies and put them inside some warmth. And if it doesn't work, we also have a plan b.
So for now, we keep moving forward. We leave the past behind. We dry up our tears. We try to put some super glue on the broken hearts. We still make jokes and watch our favorite programs (24 is good again!!). We make plans with friends and have a glass of wine and some cupcakes. We grow even closer because life has so far given us a tough road, and if we didn't do it as a team, I know I'd be a few miles back at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere.
Truly, our end has no end...and whatever way we look at it, or whatever our frame of mind at the time, we must remember that is a good thing.
We have 5 snowbabies left from this cycle, though I don't have a lot of faith in frozen children. We've done these transfers before with no luck, so it's hard to remain optimistic. But we'll go ahead next month and unfreeze those babies and put them inside some warmth. And if it doesn't work, we also have a plan b.
So for now, we keep moving forward. We leave the past behind. We dry up our tears. We try to put some super glue on the broken hearts. We still make jokes and watch our favorite programs (24 is good again!!). We make plans with friends and have a glass of wine and some cupcakes. We grow even closer because life has so far given us a tough road, and if we didn't do it as a team, I know I'd be a few miles back at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere.
Truly, our end has no end...and whatever way we look at it, or whatever our frame of mind at the time, we must remember that is a good thing.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Friday Fun
I was going to do another post and started searching my pictures for the photo I wanted to post about. I came across this photo and thought it was just perfect for today. This is for anyone who needs a little luck today, or just a little hope.
I took this photo a couple of years ago when we were on vacation in Florida. We got to stay at Kevin's boss's house for a few days on this little island in Florida that doesn't allow cars. This house was AMAZING! It had 4 bedrooms, a huge deck, a hot tub (it was broken), and a heated pool. We went with my family and had such a great time. We'd go about our day, going up the resorts pool in the morning or going for a run, or shooting hoops. Then we'd drink copious amounts of alcohol at the bar. We'd all come home, get a cooler of beer and turn the heated pool up to over a hundred degrees and have hand stand contests. We all would then nap, and then later we would all cook dinner together, drink more wine and played clue until our fingers fell off. Kevin and I talk about that all time and how relaxed we were, and how we are dying to go back!
The first day there we went up to the roof of the house and it had just rained a bit. This is what we were welcomed with on our first day of vacation. Here's my weekend gift to you...
I took this photo a couple of years ago when we were on vacation in Florida. We got to stay at Kevin's boss's house for a few days on this little island in Florida that doesn't allow cars. This house was AMAZING! It had 4 bedrooms, a huge deck, a hot tub (it was broken), and a heated pool. We went with my family and had such a great time. We'd go about our day, going up the resorts pool in the morning or going for a run, or shooting hoops. Then we'd drink copious amounts of alcohol at the bar. We'd all come home, get a cooler of beer and turn the heated pool up to over a hundred degrees and have hand stand contests. We all would then nap, and then later we would all cook dinner together, drink more wine and played clue until our fingers fell off. Kevin and I talk about that all time and how relaxed we were, and how we are dying to go back!
The first day there we went up to the roof of the house and it had just rained a bit. This is what we were welcomed with on our first day of vacation. Here's my weekend gift to you...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Something Lighter, If You Will
I wanted to do something fun today. I'm doing ok and appreciate everyone's comments, love and cyber hugs. I met some girlfriends for sushi and bubbly last night and it was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off things. A little laughter, or a LOT, was just perfect. Today, I thought it'd be fun to do one of these silly meme's. I usually don't love posting these, but, eh, why not try to lighten it up around here!
1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? ONLY on a wedge salad. Strange
2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yes
3. Do you own a gun? Nope
4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops? Nonfat Iced Vanilla Latte (decaf depending on if we're trying for baby or not)
5. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of love/hate...really only like them in crescent rolls
6. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside
7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Mimosas, or Bloody Mary's (hey, it said "prefer")
8. Can you do push-ups? Yes, go easy on the plural though
9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Wedding ring
10. Favorite hobbies? Poking Bailey when she's sleeping until she gets mad at me, or annoying my husband until he gets mad at me and then spending the rest of the night trying to get them both to love me again by asking..."do you love me?"
11. Do you have ADD? This morning I have checked Facebook no less than 30 times, tried to plan a vacation, fixed a resume, submitted a resume, read other people's blogs, looked on twitter, tried to win a trip to Florida on the radio, and now blogging.
12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? That I have ADD.
13. Middle name? Marie
14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? Need sleep, need aspirin, I am hot but too lazy to take off my fleece
15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, wine, diet orange sunkist
16. Current worry right now? That I need to make a placement soon!
17. Current dislike(s)right now? My headache
18. Favorite place to be? Anywhere by a beach/water
19. How did you ring in the New Year? At Stanton Social in NYC with some good friends
20. Like to travel? LOVE to travel
21. Name 3 people that will complete this? JJ, Alicia, Dana (k, that was a cheat)
22. Do you own slippers? Bailey just chewed them a couple of weeks ago
23. What color shirt are you wearing? Blue-green
24. Could you make it 39 days on Survivor? I'd love to just go on there for the weight loss program, but couldn't make it if they didn't let me bring tweezers.
25. What song do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower
26. Favorite girls names? Not telling
27. Favorite boys names? Not telling this either
28. What's in your pocket right now? lint
29. Last thing that made you laugh? My friend Quinn last night at dinner
30. Worst injury you've ever had? Tore my ACL in high school, which also ended the ol' volleyball career
31. Do you love where you live? Depends on the season
32. How many t.v's do you have in your house? 2
33. Who's your loudest friend? Hmmm...Tara?
34. Does someone have a crush on you? Yes! (Right sweetie?)
35. What's your favorite candy? I love candy, but reese's peanut butter cups?
36. Favorite sports team? DA Bears, or Illini Basketball
37. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Passed out
39. What's your favorite holiday? 4th of July
40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Getting my act together and getting some work done
Tag - Stuff You Didn't Know
Stuff you didn't know about me and now you do.1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? ONLY on a wedge salad. Strange
2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yes
3. Do you own a gun? Nope
4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops? Nonfat Iced Vanilla Latte (decaf depending on if we're trying for baby or not)
5. What do you think of hot dogs? Kind of love/hate...really only like them in crescent rolls
6. Favorite Christmas song? Baby it's cold outside
7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Mimosas, or Bloody Mary's (hey, it said "prefer")
8. Can you do push-ups? Yes, go easy on the plural though
9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Wedding ring
10. Favorite hobbies? Poking Bailey when she's sleeping until she gets mad at me, or annoying my husband until he gets mad at me and then spending the rest of the night trying to get them both to love me again by asking..."do you love me?"
11. Do you have ADD? This morning I have checked Facebook no less than 30 times, tried to plan a vacation, fixed a resume, submitted a resume, read other people's blogs, looked on twitter, tried to win a trip to Florida on the radio, and now blogging.
12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? That I have ADD.
13. Middle name? Marie
14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? Need sleep, need aspirin, I am hot but too lazy to take off my fleece
15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, wine, diet orange sunkist
16. Current worry right now? That I need to make a placement soon!
17. Current dislike(s)right now? My headache
18. Favorite place to be? Anywhere by a beach/water
19. How did you ring in the New Year? At Stanton Social in NYC with some good friends
20. Like to travel? LOVE to travel
21. Name 3 people that will complete this? JJ, Alicia, Dana (k, that was a cheat)
22. Do you own slippers? Bailey just chewed them a couple of weeks ago
23. What color shirt are you wearing? Blue-green
24. Could you make it 39 days on Survivor? I'd love to just go on there for the weight loss program, but couldn't make it if they didn't let me bring tweezers.
25. What song do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower
26. Favorite girls names? Not telling
27. Favorite boys names? Not telling this either
28. What's in your pocket right now? lint
29. Last thing that made you laugh? My friend Quinn last night at dinner
30. Worst injury you've ever had? Tore my ACL in high school, which also ended the ol' volleyball career
31. Do you love where you live? Depends on the season
32. How many t.v's do you have in your house? 2
33. Who's your loudest friend? Hmmm...Tara?
34. Does someone have a crush on you? Yes! (Right sweetie?)
35. What's your favorite candy? I love candy, but reese's peanut butter cups?
36. Favorite sports team? DA Bears, or Illini Basketball
37. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? Passed out
39. What's your favorite holiday? 4th of July
40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Getting my act together and getting some work done
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