There were so many mixed emotions once we came home. So happy and feeling SO lucky that these babies came to us. But also so exhausted, a little overwhelmed and being thrown into the fire perhaps a bit unprepared.* So during my four month maternity leave, I not only learned how to care for newborns on very little sleep, but also that I was healing myself. It's true I didn't go through the physical pain of delivering these babies, but what I came to realize is that I had to heal emotionally. I'd have random more frequent thoughts of Nicholas, and could not help but think he might have brought us these babies. I sensed that even though I dealt with our pregnancy loss, the failed adoption and countless IVF's that perhaps the roots of these feelings were kept deep within. But little by little I dug inward to pull out the sadness, while grasping my babies a little tighter and knew I was healing.
With that came the realization that I don't need to hold onto that pain anymore. That I don't need to be a poster child for infertility and adoption and "good things come to those who wait" stories. That I could move on, and that I should move on. That I could go back to work, and not feel guilty about needing a little break from crying twins. I'm just a normal mother now, in the trenches with the rest of the moms...paying my dues with getting up early in the mornings, changing a poopy diaper to only see/hear/smell 5 minutes later another one is getting made, and dealing with a baby that is hungry or tired, but doesn't want to eat or sleep...because, well, she is a baby and don't know what the hell she's doing either!
My main point, its probably time for me to focus my energies on these babies and not how they got here. To get back into work and running and other interests that have been put on the shelf. Funny thing, I thought I'd have all this time to keep running and working out, because you know, we adopted. I didn't carry these babies so I should be able to keep going on runs like when they nap or something. Ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho. Funny. But recently I've tried to get back out there and even though I've been running less, my minute/mile has dropped significantly. Before the adoption I was struggling to get under 10 minute miles...which is high for me. But just couldn't do it. Post adoption? I'm now around 9 min miles...just like that. It's amazing the weight lifted with emotional baggage. The emotional pain is PHYSICALLY leaving my body. What a phenomenon I tell you.
So I'm not sure where I go from here. The world is
*I'm an avid reader, but didn't want to read any "what do with a baby" books because I was so scared the adoption would fall through. Once we had the babies I had no time to read the books, and now, I do have time, but feel that using my common sense in certain situations is better than most books. Whenever I read something I feel I'm already doing it, so what's the point?
