Believe

We had just finished dinner, and our waiter brought our check over to us.  On top of the bill, there were two.  Neatly wrapped.  I quickly ripped my open and read it out loud.  It felt about right...we are due for some big things.  For some big news.  I put it into my purse for safe keeping.  When I feel down I want to read it and know that I still have hope. 

I was taking the train to the city the other day and gently put a glass bottle of Starbucks coffee into my (new) purse so it wouldn't leak.  Got on the train to realize it had in fact leaked all over the interior of purse.  Tried to rescue what I could.  Saw the small peice of paper soaking, or better, swimming at the bottom, and pulled it out and placed it on a ledge to dry out.  I must have put it back in my purse at some point, but I hadn't seen it since on the train.  Hadn't thought about it either.

Last night I was remaking Bailey's bed.  She likes to kick all the covers out of her bed sometimes, so we carefully remake it into the queen's bed she so rightly deserves.  I picked up one of the blankets and the fortune floated down to the floor like a falling leaf.  I picked it up and smiling, I read it again.

Why is it that people can tell you over and over again that good things are going to happen, but I read a five cent fortune and I believe again.  But it's true, I do believe again. 

When Life Gives You...

This morning I stumbled out bed with eyes half closed, hair messy straight to the coffee pot.  I knew I needed to really rally at work today, so coffee on those days is a must.  I grabbed a mug from our dish set, but saw further back another familiar mug...this mug.

 

When K and I were still dating I was in a job I absolutely hated.  Not only was I working long hours, but I wasn't very good at what I was doing, mainly because I really hated it.  Plus, I was having a hard time getting along with my bosses and it reaked a little of "Office Space."  

Yeah, I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and come in on Saturday....

Knowing my misery and K's love of the comic strip Red Meat, he bought me this mug.  I smiled through closed teeth and put the mug at the back of the cabinet...I thought it was a little gross.  Especially for my morning coffee.  But for some reason, once we moved and I started drinking coffee from home more, this has quickly become one of my favorites.  Plus, I think the message is funny and apropos now, and I feel I've earned the right to drink from it.  

This morning though, I immediately thought of my good friend.  I had lunch with her yesterday and she is a good friend from college (we were roommates for a time) and she happens to live in NY about 20 minutes from us.  She is pregnant, which I knew without it being confirmed.  But things are going just ok for her.  A few weeks ago she got a viral infection that in pregnancy could be hazardous to the fetus.  So in a few weeks she will need to get an amniocentesis, and see how the baby is doing.  You can tell she is scared, but excited, and wants to tell people and have everything be ok.  

I can't help but think of when we were in that similar situation.  Telling people we were expecting, but something in the back of our minds not letting us truly feel excited, and not buying much for the baby at all.  It's a crappy situation to be in, and not something I've wished on anyone.  I feel for her, and will be praying like crazy for a healthy baby.

But in chatting with her she made a comment about how great K and I have handled everything we've been through.  For some reason, we continue to persevere.  We have never stopped in our quest to start our family and though we've hit bumps in the road...we've dealt with them.  And no matter her outcome, she will persevere too.  Perhaps it's our outlook, that when dealt a crappy hand we see the silver lining, or we just make poop juice.  I guess the point is, it doesn't really matter how we get through, it's that we do. 

I'm Still Here

I keep coming back here.  To this place, where I have left so many of my thoughts and feelings over the past few years.  It's as if I'm stalking my own self.  To see if I have posted yet.  Everytime I check I see that the page is blank.  After my last post, I had all but thought I was done.  This summer, I didn't even think about writing.  But for some reason now that fall is in full swing, words and posts and thoughts and feelings are clouding my brain and I'm guessing they need an outlet.  And that's ok, not everything has to be so absolute or black and white.  If I need to write, I shouldn't feel like I'm breaking any rules of not posting. 

I took a much needed break from hearing my own words and it was a great summer.  It was our first full summer out here on the east coast, and we tried to get out and do some different things.  We played in our town in Connecticut which is a vacation destination in itself.  We live close to the beach, so I spent a lot of time running, and also taking Bailey out for many hikes near the State Park by our home.  I gave the emotions and thoughts a rest, and concentrated on my physical self.   This must go back to when we were kids and summers were for swimming and playing and come September, it was time to put our brains back to work.

We also checked out other avenues for "Operation Baby Drop" (it's like we are in a war that will never end).  But those proved fruitless so we are back to adoption, and with a new agency.  We are just waiting for the official "approved" from them so we may start to get shown to birth moms.  Even to get this point, this agency really has their stuff together.  It's amazing how bad the other agency was in hindsight.  It's not nearly as exciting as it was last time, and that may be ok.  We are going to be more strict about what situations we will allow, and make sure that the fit is right for us too.  It may take a little longer, but we can't let ourselves get into a situation like last time.  My hair is still growing back in...it's a constant reminder of the turmoil everytime I try to fix my hair or tie it back in a rubberband and I see sprouts of hair all over my head that have a mind of their own. 

So here I am for now.  No rules, no obligations.  Just here, figuring it all out.