Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The Holidays are finally upon us! It's officially my last day of work until January 5th, and I couldn't be more excited about it! I was all set for Christmas this year, shopped early, presents all wrapped, but now suddenly I am stressed out. Oh well, I suppose that means I will be drinking some extra wine. Perhaps a little "drunk blogging?" I kid, though that could be kind of fun :) For Christmas this year, we'll be in Chicago with my side and Kevin's family is coming in as well. We are heading to New York City for New Year's, and I'm so excited! I will give a proper update once we return.

I leave you with the holiday card I sent out this year. Sorry if you didn't get one, they were pricey little suckers, so now you can enjoy.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, your families and be safe!

Friday Fun

Ok people...time for some fun again. We received about a foot of snow in Chicago, and no one is at work today. And Christmas is 6 days away! Holy!!! I have one Christmas gift left to buy and I know exactly what I'm getting, just need to get my butt to the store to buy it. So all in all, I'm doing great :)

Here's a fun Friday video for all of you. Beyonce's video Single Ladies has been getting a lot of play, and spoofs too (Saturday Night Live...I kept that on the DVR for at least 2 weeks and watched it every single night at least once for those 2 weeks, Kevin was really excited to see it over and over and over again). But here's a "cute" spoof...just click on the picture below.

Enjoy!

Baby 2009

Last night Kevin and I finally started the conversations which I'm going to now refer to as Baby 2009. I've even made a folder in my hotmail account with the same name to put all my emails for doctor appointments, etc. I like it...Baby 2009. In terms of how we are going to proceed with Baby 2009, we have decided to go check out 2 new clinics to chat with these doctors to see what they say about us doing IVF again. If they don't have much to offer us, then Baby 2009 will be coming from another mama's womb, and that's ok too. So I was feeling pretty good about our progress. I already have these 2 appointments set up for early January, and will sign us up for an adoption class as well to keep the ball rolling. Then my friend called...

About 2 weeks ago, one of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend and my girlfriend and I went over to her condo to help dry the tears and soothe the broken heart. Before we got to my broken-hearted friends place, we stopped at Starbucks where my friend ordered a decaf coffee. Her ordering a decaf coffee is like Britney wearing underwear. It doesn't happen. We got to my friend's place and she probably went to the bathroom 2-3 times in an hour. So I had my suspicions, but I was nursing my own broken heart of our failed IVF cycle, I didn't really care. Well, last night, she called to tell me her good news. Her GREAT news!

I couldn't be happier for her. I think any baby conceived (naturally on their first try, just sayin') is a blessing. A miracle. I wouldn't wish this horrible journey we're traveling on anyone. But really, first try? Naturally? She was having problems in her marriage about 4 months ago too. But like I said, I really am happy for her, but it's like a reverse scale. As my happiness goes up for someone else, my sadness and want increases more as well. And I am sometimes just pelted with how much our situation sucks. As much as I try to remain positive, sometimes a little elf of negativity, depression and pain sneaks its way in.

I hate that little elf. He's mean, and selfish and zaps all my energy. I think I need to kick him out and move on...once again...and concentrate on Baby 2009. Unfortunately, that's a little easier said than done today.

Early Christmas Gift

Do you remember when you were younger, or in college, or even now I suppose, you'd ask your mom what she wanted for Christmas and she'd respond, "my family to be home and everyone to be safe, healthy and happy." My mom would answer like that often, and I'd roll my eyes and ask what she really wanted because I couldn't very well wrap that up and put it under the tree. She then would always say leather gloves.

As I get older and family and friends become more and more important I can see why she always answered that way. I am now fully understanding wanting all your family in one place to unwrap brightly wrapped gifts, drinking eggnog with Christmas carols playing in the background. This Christmas I feel that way with our insane year, and with Kevin having been gone for 2 1/2 weeks. I just want him home, not on the other side of the world and I will get that wish today!

There were so many low points and unexpectancies this year. But I think to round out this year, it will be a happy one for so many other reasons. I will have Kevin back for the holidays. I will have my crazy Bailey, who continues to melt my heart every day. I will have my parents who were there for me when I was at my lowest this year. My sister and brother-in-law who are now back to their old selves, and I'm praying that soon, they will be introducing us to their new addition. I have spent really great quality time with my girlfriends, nursing broken hearts and turning into a marriage counselor. I also spent time with the girls who have known me since the 4th grade, and it's those women in your life that you can just be. No expectations, no pre-conceived notions. You can say the dumbest thing that has ever escaped your lips, and they just laugh with you.

So this year I feel as if I'm blessed in so many ways. I'm blessed with people, with friends and family. My early Christmas gift is coming home early tonight and I couldn't be more excited!

P.S. A special shout out to my friend Jaime! Congrats on your early Christmas present! Guess he just didn't want to miss Santa this year. :)

Inspired

I was searching this morning for some Friday Fun. I was looking for funny cartoons for the season, or a funny joke about wine hangovers...ummm...what? Who has a wine hangover? I couldn't find anything worthwhile, so I started to go through my blogs that I check every morning (right sidebar pretty much details where I go to check on friends or people I'd like to call my friends).

I was AMAZED when I read Matt and Madeline's blog this morning. I got chills and if I wasn't so dehydrated I might have shed a tear as well. As most people who read my blog know that I read Matt's blog regularly. His wife died the day after having his sweet daughter Madeline. Now he and a bunch of people he didn't know one year ago are trying to find some good in the world by paying it forward. I haven't really done anything in terms of charity work this holiday season, and have been looking for a great cause to donate some cash, or buy some toys for children who need them. But haven't gotten off my lazy butt to do anything yet. But now I am inspired.

So please take a look at Matt's blog today (www.mattlogelin.com), and hopefully if you haven't done anything yet this holiday season it will inspire you as well. There are so many great causes and even though times are tough right now, and cash flow is scarce, most of us are a lot better off that many people.

Be inspired!

A Hot Mess

After my sad sad sad weekend, things started to turn around for me this week. My hormones came down to a human level, after feeling like I could move a car with the amount of progesterone I inject into my body. I made some phone calls and made a few appointments for our baby journey in January. I weighed myself yesterday and was stunned at the number. I am only about 4 lbs away from my pre-IVF/pregnancy weight. Granted, my body needs some major work, but at least I'm going in the right direction. I also made it to the gym yesterday. Let's not forget Kevin is coming home on Monday, I have my company holiday dinner tonight at my favorite restaurant in the city, and I am seeing my oldest friends on Saturday at a "party" at my house. I've been friends with these girls since the 4th grade, so it's always good to see them. Thought I'm the only with without kids (they all now have at least 2), I always look forward to seeing them.

Yet, even though things are looking better I've been extremely scatter brained this week, which is unlike me. On Tuesday, I showed up for my dentist appointment at 3pm, and checked myself in. As soon as I said my name I had a flashback of my calendar on my work desk and could "see" I had the wrong day...I was supposed to come in on Wednesday. They couldn't find me in the system, and I played dumb. They were very kind (I love my dentist's office), and took me on Tuesday anyway.

Also about 2 weeks ago, I got some weird rash on my eyelids. I thought it was just dry skin, like eczema, so have been trying my own apothecary treatment (never a great idea). Finally, yesterday it was getting worse and moving down my face so I made an appointment at my dermatologist office. They had an opening at lunch so I hopped in the cab to make my way to 310 EAST Superior. The cab left me at some strange looking building, and I knew something was not right. I wandered around looking for the office, finally called 411 to get the right address and was back in a cab in minutes going to 310 WEST Superior. Arriving 20 minutes late, they thankfully let me stay as well. Not only feeling like a total moron, but I have a freakin' rash on my FACE! It's the holidays people, and I can't wear eye shadow, I had to take off all my nail polish and have some cream with steroids in it that I have to put on that makes my eyes feel like I lit them on fire. One hot mess.

Despite all this, I still feel better this week. I did not ask for this journey. I did not ask to become a spokesperson for pain, infertility or late term pregnancy loss. I did not ask to not get my only dream I have ever had since I can remember. But I have all that, and I'm dealing. I'm not sure I will leave behind this hot mess phase, as I plan on drinking my fair share of wine and champagne this holiday season. So the happy, hot mess is sure to continue, and I'm very ok with that.

Cheers!

Looking Forward to 2009

2008 has not been my favorite year. There are a few years in my life I can look back and wish I could kind of wash over them. Forget they ever existed. I had a particulary bad year in college...another bad year right around graduating 8th grade into high school. I have my diary saved from those times, and always around December of those years I was looking forward to putting that particular year behind me.

2008 will go down as one of those years. I admit, it has taught me many things, but sometimes, I don't care about the lesson. I just want a family, a bigger family with bare feet running through the house, and dirty finger prints on the refrigerator. I don't care if I'm supposed to learn patience, or to not take the things in my life for granted. I don't take anything for granted, especially after 2008.

Yesterday, my mom came to the city so we could do something fun together. Since Kevin is still away for another week (will it ever end?) and my dad was leaving for a business trip Sunday night, she came down and we went to the Museum of Science and Industry to see the Christmas Trees from Around the World. It was great, because we didn't feel like shopping and spending more money, and it was fun to do something different. We walked in and it could have been the worst idea EVER as I felt like I entered Disney World with the amount of kids running around and babies crying. I toughened up and we walked around to see the Christmas trees.

The trees are pretty amazing, and it was fun to learn about what other countries do for Christmas. I was surprised to learn that many countries don't really exchange gifts until January 6th, when the 3 kings came to visit Jesus. Kind of makes sense...they gave gifts, so that's when you should give gifts. Just opened my eyes to how other countries spend the holidays and what traditions they have. I was also surprised to learn that many countries really do a lot for St. Nicholas day as well.

Reading the descriptions I also found that many countries believe in a deep cleaning of the house, children, bed linens, etc, before Christmas. I laughed at one country because it said, they believe the kids should get a good scrubbing and new, clean bed linens on everyone's bed! I love clean sheets on our bed as much as the next person, but never associated it with Christmas. Ireland believes in a deep house cleaning to wash away all the negativity from that year, and start the new year clean, fresh...and new.

As I start looking forward to 2009, I like that idea. I like the idea of leaving my negativity and sad feelings behind in 2008. I will never forget our struggle, but perhaps it's time to move on from that pain. You won't find me deep cleaning my house (Kevin would have a heart attack if he saw this happen anyway), but I think I will clean out my heart, my mind and my emotions. I think I've started this weekend with enough tears, and I think it's time to start with some new clean bed linens for 2009.

St. Nicholas Day

Last night I was updating my IVF info on the right side panel, and I typed in that my beta testing is 12/6. December 6th. St. Nicholas Day. Tears started stinging my eyes.

St. Nicholas Day, for those who don't know is the day Catholics honor St. Nicholas. Growing up we'd put a shoe outside of our bedroom door on December 5th to find in the morning it had been filled with goodies. Even when we were old enough to know St. Nick didn't exist we left our shoes out, well, I usually found a boot so it could hold more. We never stopped doing it, all the way until we moved out after college. Funny, but I NEVER heard my parents put anything in those shoes...they were just magically filled with loot in the morning. Now, nothing big, maybe some candy, a calendar, small items. It was always something fun to look forward to and got us in the mood for Christmas, as if we needed anymore excuses when we were kids.

After my sister and I left home and eventually got married, around December 6th we'd find goodies in the mail for ourselves and our husbands. The return address always marked: From St. Nick. This year, at Thanksgiving I was joking around and asked my mom if we could get a Christmas present early (gives you an idea of my maturity level). She looked at me and said..."maybe!" After dinner she brought down packages for my sister and me in bright red silk bags tied with a gold ribbon. She said St. Nick had come early this year, and left these gifts at her house. Confused, we both opened our gifts with our onlooking husbands. What I found took my breath away.

Before I was even born, my mom made an Advent calendar. She made it out of felt, and made 24 individual ornaments to put on the felt Christmas tree. I had told my mom countless times that when I have kids, I really wanted her to make me one. I can be fairly persistant, probably borderline annoying, so I know she heard me! But when we opened the gifts, out came a fresh, brand new Advent calendar that my mom had made for us. It is so identical to the one we had growing up, we were speechless. There is so much detail work with each ornament, I am amazed it came out so well. My dad said my mom would get up before work, come home after work and on weekends and work on them for us. She had been working on them for about a year (off and on). It's already hanging in my home, and I can't wait for my kids to fight over who puts each ornament up. It's one of those gifts if the house was burning I'd try to grab it on my way out (husband and dog first, of course).

So imagine my surprise when I realized that I am testing on December 6th, St. Nicholas Day. Imagine my surprise, when I think of my little angel Nicholas looking down on us, on his special celebratory day. I did name him, afterall, after St. Nicholas, Patron Saint of Children. This year, I will leave a shoe outside my bedroom door and hope to find a positive pregnancy test in it in the morning. And if I don't, that's ok too. I am still bracing for the worst, but I can tell you that no matter what...I know that by next Christmas a child will be putting those ornaments up (perhaps with a little help), or we will be on an adoption list, or my pregnant belly will make it difficult to hang ornaments. Of one of those things, I am sure.

Lawn Chairs in the Snow

The Christmas season is officially here. And we received enough snow in Chicago last night to not dispute that fact. After shoveling my car out for 10 minutes this morning I know it's not a joke by our local weather person. Now we get the pleasure of seeing lawn chairs in the streets so people can hold their parking spaces that they worked so hard to clean this morning. It's basically a Chicago right of passage and our Mayor just laughs about it.

Kevin has officially left me for China for over 2 weeks. I made it through my first few days alone with the comfort of extremely sad movies and lots of cuddling with Bailey. I think I even cried at a few commercials. It was such a nice Thanksgiving filled with lots of family and food that when he left on Saturday and my sister and brother-in-law left Saturday morning as well, I felt the instant loneliness. I think Bailey was happy to finally get some sleep and to stop licking people, but I was blue.

To fill the huge Kevinless gaps I have been decorating for Christmas (really just my Christmas in the City snow village), reading books, eating, giving myself at-home facials, cleaning, watching Britney documentaries. All the fun stuff you've probably seen on the movie Home Alone. I even started talking to Bailey like a human this morning, and she kept tilting her head from side to side as if I was the most intelligent and well-spoken person in the whole world. I think it's time to find some other extracurricular activities this week.

This morning Bailey and I woke up to about 3-4 inches of snow. I was trying to tell her all about it before I brought her outside. I finally opened the door to our deck and she just stared at all the powdery white snow covering our deck. She finally leapt out the door, as if remembering from a year ago the fun of snow. Bailey LOVES snow. She quickly ran downstairs to do her business and then started running around like she just won the lottery. She would wag her tail excitedly, running around smelling everywhere, and scoop her head down for a mouthful of snow. The snow is a lot more fun when you're with someone who enjoys it so much.

So we have officially kicked off the Christmas season and now the shopping, eating more, drinking (maybe), and counting down until Kevin returns has started as well. Those should all keep me pretty busy, but in case I get bored, maybe I will get bundled up tonight and grab a book and thermos of hot chocolate and go sit on one of those lawn chairs in the street and read.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hope everyone has a happy, healthy and safe Thanksgiving! Please say a prayer or send up some positive thoughts for our IVF. I hope we have some fighters.

Six of One, A Half Dozen of the Other

I had my retrieval on Sunday morning. All and all it went ok. I got there in the morning and they took me right back to prep for my procedure. They hooked me up to wires, IV's and all the rest and I waited patiently until about 9:30 rolled around they call brought me into the room for my 9:45am retrieval. This being my 4th time in the retrieval room I knew exactly what to expect, though for some reason I couldn't shake my nerves that morning. Perhaps because we said that this would be the last cycle of IVF we'd try for awhile. Perhaps I just had a premonition that something wouldn't go quite right. I have to say the nurses were the best I've seen at my clinic. They were cracking me up the whole time, I kept saying they should do stand-up comedy.

My retrieval went off without a hitch and they brought me to the recovery room, so hopefully I could dose off a little. I started feeling crampy and told the nurse. She said just give it a little time and see if it goes away. It got worse. WAY worse. She found a shot of pain killer and gave me 60 units of something in my toosh and I was silently praying this would work. After 15 minutes I sat up, and HOLY HELL, I thought someone was kicking me in my right side with a steel boot. I yelled for the nurse that I was going to be sick and I started sweating like a turkey on Thanksgiving. I turned kind of crazy and started ripping my socks and blanket off and hiked my hospital gown up to my belly. The RE rushed in and just stared at me bewildered. He ran and got the ultrasound machine to see what was going on. He thought perhaps my ovary had twisted over (something that can happen when you go through IVF). He saw a very small amount of liquid on my left ovary. He didn't really think this could be causing the pain, so said give it another 15 minutes and see what happens.

By this point I was absolutely delirious with pain. There were 2 other girls in the recovery room, and I'm sure they thought I was completely nuts, and secretly calling their husbands on hidden cell phones to tell them to get them the heck out of there! Finally, not sure what time it was since I was crying out in pain, they brought be back to the procedure room. My RE thought that even though the liquid was such a small amount that it could still be causing me pain. My IV fell out (crazy person), so I had no pain drugs. He quickly went in and drained the liquid and within 5 seconds, the pain was gone. The RE was so relieved, and so were the nurses. I sat up and said "Do I get my cookies and juice now?" They said I could have all the cookies and juice I damn well wanted.

So finally at around noon, I found Kevin (he had no idea what was going on), and we made our way home with a brief stop at McDonald's. All in all, I had 11 eggs retrieved, 8 of those were mature, and 6 of those fertilized. Not quite what I wanted the number to be. I was hoping for about 11 fertilized. But now all we can do is think positive thoughts and pray.

Not So Friday Fun

I am tired. I am tired of getting up so darn early for all these blood work and ultrasound appointments. I got to the clinic this morning and received a smile from the receptionist, so perhaps, today would be better. Made my way to get my blood drawn and the painful phlebotomist called my number. Drat, this wasn't going to be a good day. Once the color came back to my face and I didn't feel like I was going to pass out, I went back to the waiting room for my ultrasound. Read my book patiently and 5 minutes later they called my number.

Undressed, waistdown, sat on paper, and cocooned myself in the sheet they leave behind. As if that is going to make me more comfortable. The ultrasound tech came in, and got her joystick of fun ready. I laid down, ready to see my beautiful uterus and follicles on the screen. She got ready to play her video game, and then...the unthinkable happened. My worst joystick of fun nightmare almost became reality. Though it almost happened, almost is close enough for me! it would have been a really BAD mistake. Yes, she almost went there with the joystick. I quickly sat up...
"ummm..."
"oh sorry"
"yeah, no problem," I said through gritted teeth.

Yeah, not having a positive outlook on this day anymore.

Not the New Kid Anymore

**having technical difficulties with this freaking font! I can't figure it out, but it's getting on my nerves.**

I haven’t written much about this IVF cycle that I’m going through. I didn’t want this blog to be about my infertility and numbers and doctor’s appointments. I know a lot of blogs like that, but just wanted to do something different. I started this blog trying to be positive all the time, and that’s just not in my personality. So I decided to just write about how I have come to view the world as a result of going through multiple IVF’s and pregnancy loss. I’ve never been one for depression or too much drama, so I even surprised myself to learn that I was seeing the good in things. Perhaps that was a coping mechanism.

Usually during IVF I keep it a secret. I don’t really tell family or friends that I’m going through it. The reason is that I didn’t want to have to tell 25 people that a cycle didn’t work. But after our pregnancy loss, everyone knows our infertile biz-ness. I’m fine with that, I still keep it on my terms and let people know what I’d like them to know. This cycle I feel a little more comfortable with letting people know where we’re at and keeping an update on this blog. It is what it is, and I can’t change that.

This week I have been getting monitored because I’m doping myself up on Gonal F (follicle growing drug) every night and the doctor's need to monitor how those follicles are growing, and if there's any changes in the drugs for the retrieval. Every other morning I join the cattle call of women hoping for babies. I think of us as the IUI and IVF girls. I have to first tell them my name (like a marine), “Brower, reporting for duty.” I get my parking validated and get my paperwork and a number like you’d get at the deli counter or a fast food restaurant. The receptionist is miserable, and I try to make her smile by being overly nice, sometimes making a joke. No smiles today, not even a look into my eyes.

I like to sit in the waiting area waiting for my number to be called and look around. Trying to figure out who will be good mothers. Who will make their kids join the chess club, or will be fun and young and have boundless energy? I look at clothes and handbags trying to figure out what walks of life all these women come from. I can see many of them doing the same thing. I watch the “new kids.” The ones who have never done this and have no clue what they are doing. They wait anxiously and are so excited they can’t even read a magazine or book as they wait. Their number gets called and it looks like they are accepting an Oscar. They stand up, look around with a grin, and walk slowly to the waiting ultrasound tech.

Perhaps that’s not the worst thing. Feeling that hope and anticipation again. Perhaps I should watch those girls a little closer and try to have some of that rub off on me. But I know the system now, and know the right questions to ask. I know the ultrasound techs I like and the phlebotomists that don’t hurt me when they draw my blood. I guess there is something to be said for being the high school senior. I’m just ready to graduate this place and start the real life. I don’t want to be the new kid, but I certainly don’t want to be the expert at this anymore. I’m ready to be the new kid in a whole different category.

Obsessed with the Vampires

The past few weeks I have barely watched tv. I have missed the last Grey’s Anatomy, have weeks of Oprahs backed up on our tivo and have my Sunday night programs from last night waiting for me to watch them. I think those programs will be sitting there for a little longer before I get a chance to watch them. The reason I have neglected my favorite characters is in exchange for some new characters. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen have entered my life.

If those are new names to you, you are probably not a teenager into vampire books. Either am, er, was I until I discovered these little gems known as the Twilight series written by Stephanie Meyer. At dinner a few weeks ago, my friend told me she’s been reading these books and explained that they are really written for teenagers…and they have vampires in them. I scoffed at her (she did, after all, make fun of the fact that I had taken a pottery class). I was an English major in college. I read big kid books, like Ernest Hemingway, Toni Morrison, John Steinbeck. I do of course, have many other favorites, but I do try to read some of the classics in between some fun reads. But my friend persisted and said how great they were. I hate vampires, and didn’t think much of the books after dinner.

A few days later I meandered over to the Border’s by my work and as soon I was walked I was accosted by the biggest layout of Twilight books. Maybe it was a sign. I casually walked over, and picked up the first in the series (there are now four) and thought about it. I put it back and walked to find a better read. 45 minutes later, I walked back to the display and picked up the first book again. I walked around with it, kind of embarrassed that I was holding a teenager’s book. I put it back again and walked away. I went over by the Oprah books and picked up what looked to be a riveting, but probably kind of boring read. Fine, I walked back one last time, grabbed the damn book and got in line before I could change my mind. I just bought the first in the series, and told myself I could always come back for more if I liked it.

Three days later I was back at the bookstore looking for book number 2 (New Moon), NEEDING to know what was going to happen with Edward and Bella. Only 2 days later, yep, you guessed it, back at the bookstore to buy number 3 (Eclipse) and 4 (Breaking Dawn) (why waste gas and have to go back?). Kevin and I both know that once I get locked into an obsession, it’s there to stay for quite some time. An example? After watching Walk the Line, I couldn’t find enough information to satisfy my desire to learn more about Johnny and June Cash. This went on for weeks, WEEKS, and if I think about it, I start googling again. Another example…after Elizabeth Smart was found, I would wake up at ungodly hours to turn on the news to learn more about what happened. I kind of feel like she’s my friend after all that. Creepy? Most definitely. There are plenty more, but I will save myself the embarrassment and anyone calling the authorities on me.

So here I am. A new obsession. I had to leave the book at home today, because I get too tempted to try to read when I should be working, or taking longer than necessary lunches when I am actually really busy at work. I guess it just surprises me, because even when I was a teenager, I never got into very teenager-y things. I hated New Kids on the Block. I wore a uniform to school, so I never got into the latest fads. In fact, if it was popular, I tried to be different and not love it. So perhaps the fact that I love these books is a way for me to live through my teenage years once again, but in a different way. Whatever the case may be, I love them. I am slightly obsessed with them. And I will be seeing the movie this weekend. Please, read them with me so we can talk about them incessantly and I won’t feel like such a loser anymore. You might even get slightly obsessed right there with me.

Friday Fun

A quick Friday Fun today as I'm actually busy at work! I saw this story on CNN earlier this week, and I LOVE stories about animals adopting other animals. It pulls at my heart strings. I think this little chimp is just too cute, and she wants to be a mama, like so many of us. Happy Friday and have a great weekend!

Here is the video...enjoy!

A Quick Trip, But All the Difference

Getting to the point where you feel like you NEED a vacation is not fun at all. I feel this often, and for no apparent reason. Perhaps just with the stress of normal life I often have visions of leaving everyone and everything and fending for myself on a beach with nothing but a Mango Margarita, a bathing suit and a pair of tweezers (hey, a girl's got to have nice eyebrows). Of course, I'd love Kevin to be there as well so we could pass out in the sun, or take a dip in the ocean. Though the fantasy is nice, we rarely have the opportunity to escape life all that often.

This past weekend Kevin had to give a presentation in Grand Rapids, MI on Saturday and was leaving Friday night. It's about 3 hours away from Chicago, so he asked if I wanted to join him for the ride. I was not overly excited about it because I'm not really one for road trips, and there didn't seem to be all that much to do there. But as it got closer, it sounded better and better. We put the dog in boarding, packed up the car, cued the iPod and were on our way. The 3 hour drive there was quick and uneventful, but gave us a chance to talk, play some road trip games, and just reconnect. We got to the hotel and I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.



I woke up the next morning and Kevin was already gone for his presentation. I had found some great hiking trails online before we left. Unfortunately, I woke up to storming weather, so I nixed the hiking idea. Instead I went to the gym in the hotel and made myself workout for an hour. I felt so great and rejuvenated afterwards. After the workout I showered and got ready for the day, and ate a delicious omelet in the hotel restaurant while reading my teenage vampire book.



Kevin still had a couple hours left before he could leave so I found a mall in town and hit up some stores. When you live in the city, malls sometimes get exciting! The stores weren't great, but I found some great deals and soon found my way back to the hotel to pick Kevin up. We drove the 3 hours back home and the rest of the weekend was filled with napping, wine drinking, more napping, and driving Bailey crazy with tons of kisses and pets.



Today I feel refreshed, and really ready to tackle this IVF cycle. Lately I have felt so tired and cranky, that looking at the next day in life seems a struggle. But this weekend was such a tiny escape from life it got me back on track. Sometimes we don't need to fly 1,000 miles away to segregate ourselves on a beach to really get away. I found this weekend that even getting a tiny break from the dog, laundry and the internet will do the trick, and it was, afterall, just a quick trip.

All About the Puppy...

I can only imagine what other nations are thinking of the US right now. We finally "hire" our first African American President, a HISTORIC event, one that I will remember forever, and all anyone can talk about is what puppy the new first family with get. Now I am a dog lover to my core, but all this talk about what kind of puppy they should get for their girls is getting on my nerves.

Obama's daughters were promised a puppy at the end of campaigning whether he won or lost. I thought that was a great end goal for the girls. And seeing their bright, smiling faces at his rally on Tuesday night, I truly think that's about all they could think about. I remember getting our first puppy when I was 10 and running home every day after school just to play with her. I instantly fell in love. Though I love my Bailey more than anything, I often think of getting another puppy (it's not happening).

So with Obama's promise to his daughters, this all reporters can talk about. Should he get a rescue, a goldendoodle, small, big, hypo-allergenic, black or white? Get a Pit bull and name it Sarah (my favorite advice so far). I can't turn on the tv or read a news site without hearing about this puppy or offers for advice on what they should get. Now I assure you, I can't wait to see what the family chooses, but I also think we should leave this decision to the family. Leave it to Malia and Sasha as it will be their puppy.

Can we get back to the real issues now?

Happily Six Years After

This past Sunday, November 2nd, Kevin and I celebrated our 6th year of marriage. 6 years ago on Sunday we marched into St. Alphonsus Church in Chicago, and took our vows. It was a beautiful, sunny November day and I couldn't have been happier. Nervous as all get out, but happy nonetheless. We concluded the evening with more alcohol than is consumed at a Cub's game at The Chicago Fine Arts Exchange, and dancing until midnight. The evening ended, not by romance, but a cheeseburger in our hotel room. I couldn't have asked for a better wedding day!

For weeks I was trying to think of what we should do for our Anniversary. I am a firm believer that every year should be celebrated with great fan fare. Marriage is not easy, and when another year can be marked off, I think it's cause for celebration. The past couple years have been especially difficult as we have struggled with infertility, ivf, and pregnancy loss. Kevin has also been in Grad School, on top of working late, and let's not forget our crazy fur friend we let reside with us.

After much deliberation we decided to meet some friends out for dinner on Saturday. We knew we'd be together all day on Sunday, so we didn't need a romantic dinner on our own. Plus, we don't get to see these friends all that often as they have two little ones and scheduling gets difficult. We went to a GREAT restaurant! One of the better ones we've tried, and drank a bit too much wine. It was a really great evening. Sunday, we woke up early with the time change, and headed across the street to breakfast (my absolute favorite thing to do...like ever). The rest of the day we just bummed around, napped, watched some tv, ate pizza, exchanged cards, walked Bailey. Nothing special really. But we were together, and that was all that mattered.

Friday Fun!

Happy Halloween!

Pets in costumes. Quite possibly one of my favorite things. Not pets dressed as people, but dogs in Halloween costumes with tortured looks on their faces. Last year we dressed Bailey up as Spiderman. I meant to grab that photo last night, but went to bed early with a migraine on it's way. So the following photos will have to suffice. Have a happy and safe halloween!

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

My dear cyber friend Jaime has chosen to give me an award for my blog. This couldn't make me happier, so thank you Jaime! Here's what she said about me:
Joelle! She's still pretty new to blogging but she's on an amazing and rough journey through IVF and has had many ups and downs, however, despite that, she's very upbeat and tries to always see the silver lining. She's a great writer and always has a great Fun Friday post!

I started blogging just to journal my feelings and didn't tell anyone about it. I didn't even tell my husband because I was embarrassed of what he would say. When I finally told him I was about 4 or 5 posts in. I remember he said..."jeez, how long were you going to keep this a secret?!" Of course he's been nothing but supportive and even helps Bailey post a comment now and then. I still haven't told most of my "real life" friends and family, but I hope to some day very soon.

Apparently, once you get this award you have some homework to do. Here's a list of questions that you have to answer with one word answers. Not easy for someone who likes to babble. So here goes...

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse

2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brunette
4. Your mother? Comfort
5. Your father? Strength
6. Your favorite thing? Bailey (ok, she's 2nd)
7. Your dream last night? Negative
8. Your dream/goal? Family
9. The room you're in? Office
10. Your hobby? Knitting
11. Your fear? Dying
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Italy
13. Where were you last night? Bed
14. What you're not? Calm
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? Orland
17. The last thing you did? Sip
18. What are you wearing? Jeans
19. Your T.V.? Brainsucking
20. Your Pet? Bailzers
21. Your computer? Addicting
22. Your mood? Anxious
23. Missing someone? Nicholas
24. Your car? Murano
25. Something you're not wearing? Perfume
26. Favorite store? Nordstrom
27. Your Summer? Ancient
28. Love someone? YES!
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When is the last time you laughed? Dogbook
31. When was the last time you cried? Sunday

Now I'm going to pass the award on to my dear friend JJ:
JJ has a closed blog, but she has been trying for babe for quite some time as well. Her blog is honest and heartfelt, and I love reading what she has to write. We met on a path that we both had hoped to never go down, but here we are. She has been a dear cyber and real life friend, and I wish her all the best that life has to offer.

Chocolate in the City

I got off the “El” today heading into work and my olfactory senses were accosted with the bittersweet smell of chocolate. I took a deep breath and walked the two blocks to work with thoughts of big steaming cup of hot chocolate playing in my mind. The westerly winds in Chicago must be at it again.

For those who don’t live in Chicago, you’d never know why the city becomes engrossed with the smell of chocolate every so often. When I first moved here, I would smell it at random times, but not think anything of it and go about my day. One day a coworker mentioned how she smelled chocolate that morning and we got into a discussion about where it came from. Turns out there is a chocolate factory just west of the city, and when they are cooking up their latest batches, and the wind blows the right way, an invisible chocolate cloud sits itself right on top of my city. The smell used to almost get on my nerves, but I’ve come to love that smell, something I’m fairly certain only happens in Chicago.

Yesterday, Monday, was not a great start to the day. I woke up cranky, upset with the news of Jennifer Hudson’s family (obviously it’s huge news here in Chicago), and had a stressful day at work. I was happy to get home, and cocoon myself on the couch with my pup. Waking up this morning, I was hoping for a better day. Stepping off the El to the bitter, obvious smell of chocolate, I inhaled as deep as possible and smiled knowing I had inadvertently started my day with chocolate and that couldn’t make me happier.

The Thong Is Out?

The other morning I was listening to my local talk radio station. Besides the dj’s being mildly annoying, the female dj was talking about how she was at the gym, and looked over and saw a girl in a thong. She was aghast. She couldn’t believe that a girl was still wearing a thong because they were so “out.” Listening, I thought, “um, no they’re not! I still wear thongs.” And I know most of my friends still wear them as well. Then I got to thinking about what all the tv shows have women wearing and what they are selling in the stores. Then I almost had a panic attack thinking that my underwear is out of style. I know, such big issues I have.

Now I think the thong has some benefits. I will never be a fan of seeing an underwear line, but perhaps the dj was on to something. I went googling away, and found this article. Interesting. My sister in law works for Victoria Secret PINK…you would think I would have had some insider information on this. Though we rarely talk about underwear at family gatherings.

So I went to Nordstrom yesterday and browsed the lingerie department. And lo and behold, there were not many thong racks. I saw “boy underwear,” granny panties, and the ever popular hipster. Usually getting barraged with questions from the people working there, no one came to help. So I was on my own underwear brigade if you will. After looking around for what felt like an hour, I found a pair of panties I thought were adorable. I purchased them and had them wrapped in pretty tissue paper, and was on my way.

This is what I bought...aren't they adorable? And let me tell you that after 3 IVF treatments, and a pregnancy, all be it brief, I look EXACTLY like this in them.
Today was the day to try out my new fancy pants. I must admit. It’s quite nice not having underwear stuffed up my butt. These are most comfy things I’ve ever worn and they are actually staying put. I encourage everyone, ditch the thong, and go shopping for something to make you feel beautiful this weekend.

Channeling Jennifer Aniston

Since I had to take a month off after our last IVF cycle due to doctor’s orders I thought it would be a great time to try to get back to some sort of exercise routine. As it is now obvious, I love to run, but I knew I needed to do something else as well. Running is great cardio, but doesn’t tone the body, or really make it stronger. I’ve had some friends start doing Pilates, and I was excited to learn that the gym I belong to started offering Pilates classes that use the machines (reformer) this month. Since my pottery class was a bust (I went twice out of five times due to other commitments, ie laying on the couch hung over on Sunday mornings, hence why I never posted any pictures of my work), I was nervous to sign up for these classes. But of course I did, and I LOVE it!

Reformer Pilates is a great way to tone the core of your body, but also firm up the arm and leg muscles. The idea is not to create big, bulky muscles, but lean, long, sinewy muscles, like Jennifer Aniston’s body. She is a huge Pilates believer, who is really the only celebrity I’d get tongue-tied over if I ever met her (I did kind of almost meet her once in Chicago when she was filming The Break Up, but I dorked out, and just stared at her). I am also excited for Pilates because I can keep doing it in pregnancy and a few friends said their post pregnancy bodies bounced back easily by doing Pilates.

The first class only two out of four people showed up, but it worked out great as I had no idea what I was doing. I’m surprised I didn’t smack myself in the face with one of the pulleys. I came to realize just how out of shape I have become. Things that looked fairly easy to the girl next to me, where difficult for me. Sit-ups were difficult for me. Coordination was difficult for me. Breathing was difficult for me. I was relieved when the other girl’s back started hurting and we ended a bit early. I think the instructor wasn’t sad to send me on my way either. But by the second class I had a new found confidence, and kept up with everyone else. I think my instructor was proud!

After losing Nicholas and shooting my body up with fertility drugs, I have put working out and exercising on the back burner. And rightfully so. I don’t regret that my body has become a different shape, or curvier in places I don’t think curves belong. But what does bother me is when my self-esteem is inhibited. Leaving these past few Pilates classes I have felt stronger, and like I can do anything I set my mind to. I haven’t had that feeling since the very first month that we started trying for a baby, which was over two years ago. I have my hopes pretty high for this IVF cycle, and that’s ok with me. I want to be excited again. I don’t want to feel numb to babies, or IVF or thoughts of children running around the house or in the backyard. Now talk to me after the transfer when I have bought out the local Walgreen’s of pregnancy tests, and my story may change. But for today I feel stronger and hopeful.

Ready, Set, Go

This morning I woke up with a 75 lb dog taking up my side of the bed, and a sore back that felt like I had been moving boxes all weekend. I got in the shower, and my stomach starting hurting like no other. I thought it was from the pizza I ate yesterday. The whole pizza I ate yesterday. The whole cheese and sausage pizza I ate all by myself yesterday. But I was wrong. It was from my monthly visitor. Though the pain was almost enough to send me into a fits of crying, I am so happy to start our 4th and final IVF. Why final? Because this one is going to work dammit. And I'm not taking no for an answer.

Since our last cycle was one big failure because we didn't have great embies and none left for freezing, I want to do things a little differently this cycle. I want to eat healthy, keep up with yoga/pilates, stop drinking on Saturday night like it's my job, and just keep stress away. This was a great weekend to say good bye to all my indiscretions.

Saturday I had a jam packed day. I went out to the suburbs to see a friend and her babies. She has a 4 year old, and a 7 month old. Love these kids. Her 4 year old is one of the smartest little people I've seen. She speaks so clearly, is already reading and spelling. And the thing that cracks me up is she gets jokes...all be it, little kid jokes, but she gets sarcasm, and laughs like no other. At the end of the day she asked her mom, “can Miss Joelle come home and play for awhile?” It was fun to hang out with them, and I kept telling her 7 month old that he was coming home with me. He didn't seem to mind one bit. I was giving him cheerios so that seemed to help my case.

After that I rushed back to the city because I had signed up for a 5K race in Chicago by Lincoln Park Zoo. It was a Halloween event for kids, followed by a race for the adults. Apparently this weekend I wanted to surround myself around those things which I can't have. Talk about baby and kid overload! I brought Bailey, and she ran so well! I was so proud of her. We had to start at the back of the pack, with the baby strollers and other pups, but once the whistle went off, Bailey was out to win! She maneuvered her way through everyone, and we finished in a decent time, with 1 pee, 1 poop and 1 water break. The little kids were coming up after and asking if they could pet her. Such a good girl my Bailey.

Post all the running, dog and kid fun, I had a girls night with 2 of my closest friends. We had a great dinner followed by martinis (ok, more martinis). I had a French, an Espresso and Cheesecake martini. Now it's more clear why I had a whole pizza yesterday. It was a great weekend of visiting friends, getting some exercise with my #1 pup, and having some cocktails. Perfect way to end the fun, and get ready for a new cycle of IVF.

Friday Fun

This is from a forward I received...I HATE forwards. Really do, I rarely find them funny and I often delete before I even open them. My sister hates them as well, so I know if I get one from her, it has to be funny. She sent this one this week, and it gave me a chuckle. I'd like to add pilates, ice cream and the cleaning lady as well. And I know some of you would add shoes, handbags and chocolate. Happy Friday and have a great weekend!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,

'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.

'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.

'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Adoption Not a Means to Pregnancy

All my life I have wanted a baby. I wasn't one of those women at the age of 30 that thought now might be a good time to have a baby join our clan. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. Though I've tried hard in my jobs, I have never been very career driven, or even obsessed with making the most money. My ultimate career goal is motherhood. I always knew I was going to be a mom to children from my womb or another woman's womb. Always.

Since we've tried a few IVF cycles, and since losing Nicholas, I think more and more about adopting lately. I think of going to Russia (maybe Palin can help us since they're neighbors and all), or China, or even domestic adoption to adopt the bundle of joy that is meant to join our family.

Lately, every time I see my girlfriends, they ALL ask me how we are doing. It's very nice for people to check up on me, I really do appreciate that the cat's out of the bag and I can be honest about our current situation and doing IVF. Lately, I've mentioned to a few people that we'd consider adoption if the next IVF cycle didn't work. I more so wanted to see how it felt to say it out loud. Gage my feelings with it, and see if I was comfortable and if it was a road we'd really explore. As I told each of 3 or 4 girlfriends separately, I felt exhilarated and excited! Each friend gave the same positive feedback with lit up faces. That yes, a family is the important thing, doesn't matter where you all come from.

But then, their faces got even brighter. EVERY...SINGLE...ONE...OF...THEM. And I'm not kidding when I say that each friend, and separately, finished the conversation with, "and then I bet you get pregnant because you adopted!!" Cue in my face and emotions deflating, and I explain to them, that yes, most everyone knows someone that this has happened to, but the probability of it actually happening is so small. Not only that, but if we do consider adoption, it is not my way to sneak around the system to get pregnant. I consider it an honor to raise another woman's baby, not just a 2nd choice, or what's behind door number 2. It start building our family, and it would be the greatest thing to adopt.

I am almost at the point of conceding the pregnancy race. I have given this fight my (almost) all. We’ll try IVF 1 or 2 times at the very most, and then I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I will wave my white non-pregnancy flag high in the air, and surrender with grace. We will then take out a black and white checkered flag and wave it for go. Wave it for adoption. Wave it because we are so lucky that this is even an option to us. Either way, we will win the war. And of that I’m sure.

It's Not Winter Yet

Last night Kevin and I both got home from work early which is unusual, especially for Kevin. Once Kevin cleaned up Bailey's mess of her incessant chewing (why does she keep doing this? She attacked our duvet and down comforter the other day), we decided to head out to the field. The sun was shining and it was one of those perfect 75 degree autumn days, so we changed clothes and made our way bringing the new frisbee I bought Bailey. We quickly learned new frisbees don't work very well as this lifeless piece of cloth was more like a boomerang. Bailey was confused as to why the frisbee wasn't moving forward and we were annoyed because she would be halfway down the field and the frisbee would land 5 feet away from us. After Bailey chewed on it a little (she is after all an expert chewer), the frisbee sailed high in the air, and she even caught it once. We, her huge dork parents, were screaming and jumping up and down that she managed such a feat.

After I made dinner and we cleaned up, I started craving ice cream. I crave ice cream almost every night but some nights I know I can't live without it. It looked pitch black outside, and it was only 7pm. I contemplated for another 20 minutes if we should walk to get ice cream. After realizing that I wouldn’t survive the night without some cookie dough, I threw on a sweatshirt and flip flops, snapped on Bailey’s leash, and we were on our way.

As we started our walk I realized that half the city was out and about enjoying the weather. I walked down North Avenue and all the pubs and bars were full and you could hear the monotone hum of people eating and drinking spilling into the streets. I walked past boutiques with people still shopping and coffee shops with macroeconomic books spread across the table. It was such a nice night to walk in the city, and Bailey was having a blast too. She was wagging her tail at the walkers, sniffing new pups she hadn’t yet meet, and pulling on the leash with her teeth, something she loves to do when she’s playing and/or trying to be a brat.

I got a couple pints of ice cream and we made our way home. I almost didn’t want the ice cream after that because I felt refreshed and awake, and vibrant the way that only a bustling city at night can make you feel. Of course I fixed myself a big mug of Cake Batter with Cookie Dough and Brownie bits, and got situated on the couch next to Kevin who was writing his paper, and Bailey curled up on the blanket next to me. Perfect end to the night, and not such a bad start to the new season.

Giving Back

In my never ending quest for self awareness/fulfillment, I have decided to do some volunteer work. I feel that with all we are spending on IVF, and all the effort and focus being on us and creating a family, I should take a look at others in need and realize we are not so bad off. I’ve been looking to volunteer or join an organization for years now, ever since I graduated college. I have done the occasional volunteering through work, but had yet to find something that I was passionate about. If I did find something that interested me, it always got sidetracked by working long hours, wedding planning, moving homes, going back to school, training for triathlons, doing IVF…well, basically life.

A few months ago I was running a race along the lake front. Getting up at the crack of dawn to exercise brings out some fairly interesting people. As I was running I passed a group of teenagers. A group of teenagers at 8 in the morning just hanging out? I ran past a couple of the girls and my heart sank. Sitting on this bench was one girl who was very much overweight, and probably hadn’t slept all night. She wore all black with multiple piercings. Her “boyfriend” was straddling her lap, legs wrapped around her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her because I saw such a look of pain and bewilderment in her eyes. She looked absolutely miserable. I wanted to run over and tell that boy to get his skinny butt off of her, and take her aside and wipe away all the make-up and take out the piercings. I wanted to tell her she’s worth so much more in life, that she IS good enough. But I didn’t do any of that. I kept running my race and made a mental note that somehow I wanted to help that girl. Or girls like her. I think it was a sign that I was running when I saw this girl.

Shortly thereafter, I heard about an organization called Girls on the Run. Go here, if you’d like to learn a little about their mission. Basically, they work with pre-teen girls from lower income backgrounds and work to boost their self-esteem by training them for a 5K race. They have a special race for the girls called WonderGirl 5K. It sounded like the perfect fit for me. I love to run, I love working with kids, and after going to an all girl’s high school truly believe in the power of raising a girl’s self-esteem and self-confidence can and will make a huge difference in her life.

A few weeks ago I decided to contact them and see how and where I could help out. I’d eventually like to be a part of their organization on a greater scale, but realize I need to start slow. I need to learn the ins and outs of the organization. Eventually I’d like to become a coach, but that doesn’t work with my schedule right now. In November I will be volunteering for this first race (November 15th), and I can’t wait. I’m also helping out leading up to it with the goodie bags, and getting ready for the race. This is the first time in a long time that I feel I can truly give back and I will be keeping that girl in my mind the whole time.

What Have You Tried?

A few weeks ago Nicole Kidman told the press that she thinks she got pregnant by swimming in “fertility waters” in Australia. After I heard that, I thought, “oh no! If people can afford it, they will be buying tickets to Australia first chance they get to go swimming in these mystic waters.” Apparently 7 out of 9 of the women she was with got pregnant from these waters. What Nicole failed to mention was that she most likely used clomid, or another fertility treatment. That was most likely the REAL cause for her getting pregnant. Why do celebrities feel the need to hide how they really get pregnant? With the surge of twins in Hollywood to older actresses, it’s most likely that they had some help in getting them. There’s only about a 3% chance of having twins in a normal pregnancy, so it seems very likely, more times than not, these actresses had some help.

But the real point for this blog today, was to talk about what women will do to get pregnant. I have tried some crazy things to get pregnant. If someone told me to shave my head because longer hair messes with fertility, I’d probably go to the salon right now! I have tried baby Tylenol (no clue why, someone else told me to try it). I bought instead cups, but never used them because I chickened out at the last minute. If you don’t know what these are, then you probably got pregnant on your first try. I have tried drinking teas and acupuncture. I have gone off caffeine, gone back on caffeine, eaten only cooked food (no cold salads), and given up carrots. Basically, if I heard about it might work, I’ve tried it.

I have heard women trying crazy things like taking Robitussin, drinking grapefruit juice, drinking fertility shakes or standing on their head after sex. Now, there are fertility waters in Australia I need to check out. I guess I should start looking into plane tickets. Or maybe I will just stay with my current plan of going through IVF another time.

A Bad Day

Everyone has bad days. I haven't had too many bad days lately, just kind of boring ones. Work has been slow, the weather is getting colder and gloomier, and money is getting tighter with our country's current state of affairs. But all in all, I'm doing just fine. Bailey, our fearless pooch, on the other hand, had a bad day the other day. This is what I came home to find in our living room.

And this is how she reacted to mommy yelling. Not...a...care...in...the...world.

After I cleaned up after the debacle, Bailey and I went out to our familiar stopping grounds, the field by our condo. We do the same exact thing every night. Get the ball, and head out about 10 seconds after I get home. It's her release from being cooped up all day I suppose. When we got there she went to the bathroom 3 or 4 times, about 2 or 3 more than she normally does. I lost my bags to pick it up, and had to chase some poor girl down to see if she had extra bags because Bailey was still going all over the place. This was not normal. Not sure if she ate some of the bed in all her furry, or just didn't feel well.

After the field and throwing her bed in the dumpster, Bailey seemed a little lost all night. I found her in the guest room, kind of hiding out. Then thirty minutes later I found her in our bedroom, laying in the dark. Again, not normal for a dog we often refer to as the Tasmanian Devil.

Later, after I made and cleaned up dinner, I laid on the couch and she jumped up and cuddled next to me, falling asleep with her head on my lap. I'd look down at her and she would be gazing up at me like she couldn't ever live without me, like she wanted me to make all her pain go away. It was so cute, and I love Bailey moments like this. I feel needed and like the mommy I long to be. I felt like with a little tlc I turned her bad day into an almost bearable one.

Wine, Wine and More Wine

Mondays are apparently my days for talking about how much wine I drank over the weekend. I can't help it, I love wine, and my husband might just love it more. So when I first learned about Chicago Gourmet that was happening this past weekend, I was excited, but also hoping I secretly wouldn't be able to go because I'd be pregnant. That's what us "infertiles" do. We plan things, fun things, like vacations, nights out with friends, things that involve alcohol or doing back flips, secretly hoping that we won't be able to join in the fun. Secretly hoping we will have to cancel, or just have to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else have fun. When you've been trying to have a baby for 2+ years, more times than not, you have no reason to cancel. Kevin and I made a pact...if this past IVF cycle didn't work, we'd go to Chicago Gourmet. Tickets were a bit expensive, so this was a treat of sorts for us. But oh so much fun.

Chicago Gourmet was held in Chicago's Millennium Park, starting on Friday, ending on Sunday. We decided that we were just going to go on Saturday. We arrived at noon to endless booths of wine. We were like Bailey at the dog beach, unable to contain our excitement, and overwhelmed with all the fun ahead of us. We went straight for the closest booth to the door, sidling up, trying to act cool, like we go to wine tastings every weekend. I don’t think we were fooling anyone, because we just stared at all the bottles of wine they had, and then said kind of loudly, “this is our first booth!!” The "sommelier" nodded his head and grinned at us, and we had found a new best friend. He poured us at least 3 full glasses. We started with a sparkling Prosecco, and ended with some red I will never remember. 15 minutes later, our cheeks were hurting from the huge grins on our faces. This might be what a little piece of our heaven would be like.

Not only was there wine, but plenty of food from the top chefs in the Chicago area. We walked around, tried some wine, ate a crab cake, and repeated this for over 3 hours. The weather was a perfect sunny 80 degrees, the wine was delicious, the food scrumptious, the accommodations outstanding, and Kevin and I? Well, we were drunkity drunk drunk. Yes, a baby in the belly is always the goal, but sometimes, being able to join in the fun is just what the doctor ordered.

Friday Fun

Happy Friday! What do you think of the new heading? I can't promise I won't always keep changing it...I just seem to get sick of it after a few weeks. Keeps it fresh :)

Time for some Friday Fun! I went searching for funny IVF cartoons. I thought there has to be something out there for IVF. And I was right. Enjoy!

Still Got It

My sister-in-law recently posted some pictures on Facebook of her wedding a year ago almost to the day. I remember her wedding because we were attempting IVF #2. I remember going into the bathroom during the reception to “shoot up.” I remember having a couple drinks and feeling like I did the shot of Gonal F wrong. And since I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t do it again, and had to have faith that I had done it correctly. I remember starting to cry because I thought I had messed up the whole cycle. I, however, started crying (hard) during my sister-in-law’s dad speech, and everyone thought I was crying because it was a speech between a father and daughter. Little did they know.

I was looking closely at the pictures and thought about times that were probably a little happier. We hadn’t been pregnant yet, but that would be the cycle that would give us Nicholas and then take him away from us. Going through that time, I’m sure I didn’t feel so happy, but unknowingly, things are never as bad as they seem, or can get.

Knowing myself, I probably went on a few extra runs the week before so the bridesmaid dress fit a bit better. And looking closely at those photos, something clicked in my head, and it was instantaneous that I NEEDED to get out for run. Since I do the progesterone shots in my bum, I can’t keep running like normal because of the deep bruising and all around pain. It feels like someone has stuck a few golf balls around my upper butt. Not a pleasant feeling. I got the bright idea to buy some athletic tape and try to tape my butt down before I went for the run. Lo and behold it worked! I barely felt the pain in my behind, mostly just pain from wanting to die out on the running path.

But I didn't die out there. I made it. I ran for 32 minutes, with a quick stop to stretch after 15 minutes. I was so proud of myself at the end of the run, that I kept my running watch on all night (even in the shower) so I could look down and see that I ran for 32 minutes. I came home in a better mood, was a better “mommy” to Bailey (even let her share my favorite blanket…well, ok she stole it, but I didn’t take it away from her). Ate a healthy dinner, did some laundry and called it a night. Going through IVF the past 2 years, I’ve been at a constant struggle with myself to keep a part of what makes me...me. I feel like I’ve lost huge parts of myself the past few years, and anything I can do to stay in the present, the positive and happy times, I must do. For 32 minutes last night, I was here again, and I still got it.

Pain in the Ass

Sorry for the swear word and to anyone that might offend. But my tush hurts. One might wonder how I got a pulled muscle of sorts in my rump. Well, I am embarrassed to say it's from my pottery class. Yes, I know. I am probably the only person who has suffered an injury while learning to throw pots on the wheel. This class was supposed to be a stress reliever, but it is starting to stress me out!

Yesterday, for class #2 (out of 5), everyone showed up to class right on time and we all just kind of looked towards the wheels. If you are trying to get a visual of the wheel, think of the famous scene from Ghost. Our regular instructor was no where to be seen, and we had a fill in named Dustin. To get a visual of Dustin, take every preconceived notion of what a male pottery instructor would be like, ball them up, and there you have Dustin.

After some instruction on how to knead the bubbles out of our clay, and purchasing a bucket and tools, Dustin showed us how to use the wheel. I was like a kid in a candy store, right up front to see everything so I could bring home the best bowl or vase ever made. Dustin showed us how to get the clay started on the wheel, water it down, mold it with our hands, water it down some more, speed up the wheel, wait, slow it down, stick a finger in the middle to create that whole bowl effect, keep your elbows on your knees, keep bent over directly over the clay. After 10 minutes of this, I was still clueless, and just sat down at a wheel to start. It looked so easy, I figured I'd have a couple of finished pots at the end of 3 hours.

It took me 3 minutes to realize I am nothing like Demi Moore at this new found hobby. It stresses me out. My perfect ball of clay looked like a potato that lost the fight. After 2.5 hours of trying my hand at throwing pots, well, I had one pathetic little “pot” if you want to call it that. It looks more like a toothbrush holder actually. I did make a pretty great looking bowl, but when I went to take it off the wheel the bottom of the bowl was left on the wheel. So the bowl then became another ball of clay.

I came home covered in clay, messy, stressed out. Last night as I was falling asleep, I had visions of the wheel, and how I could make my bowls and pots better. This morning I woke up with a pulled muscle in my bum. After trying to figure out what the heck I did, I showed Kevin how you have to sit when using the wheel, and bingo, wouldn’t you know it hurt like hell. I think I need to watch Ghost again this week.