Still Got It

My sister-in-law recently posted some pictures on Facebook of her wedding a year ago almost to the day. I remember her wedding because we were attempting IVF #2. I remember going into the bathroom during the reception to “shoot up.” I remember having a couple drinks and feeling like I did the shot of Gonal F wrong. And since I wasn’t sure, I couldn’t do it again, and had to have faith that I had done it correctly. I remember starting to cry because I thought I had messed up the whole cycle. I, however, started crying (hard) during my sister-in-law’s dad speech, and everyone thought I was crying because it was a speech between a father and daughter. Little did they know.

I was looking closely at the pictures and thought about times that were probably a little happier. We hadn’t been pregnant yet, but that would be the cycle that would give us Nicholas and then take him away from us. Going through that time, I’m sure I didn’t feel so happy, but unknowingly, things are never as bad as they seem, or can get.

Knowing myself, I probably went on a few extra runs the week before so the bridesmaid dress fit a bit better. And looking closely at those photos, something clicked in my head, and it was instantaneous that I NEEDED to get out for run. Since I do the progesterone shots in my bum, I can’t keep running like normal because of the deep bruising and all around pain. It feels like someone has stuck a few golf balls around my upper butt. Not a pleasant feeling. I got the bright idea to buy some athletic tape and try to tape my butt down before I went for the run. Lo and behold it worked! I barely felt the pain in my behind, mostly just pain from wanting to die out on the running path.

But I didn't die out there. I made it. I ran for 32 minutes, with a quick stop to stretch after 15 minutes. I was so proud of myself at the end of the run, that I kept my running watch on all night (even in the shower) so I could look down and see that I ran for 32 minutes. I came home in a better mood, was a better “mommy” to Bailey (even let her share my favorite blanket…well, ok she stole it, but I didn’t take it away from her). Ate a healthy dinner, did some laundry and called it a night. Going through IVF the past 2 years, I’ve been at a constant struggle with myself to keep a part of what makes me...me. I feel like I’ve lost huge parts of myself the past few years, and anything I can do to stay in the present, the positive and happy times, I must do. For 32 minutes last night, I was here again, and I still got it.