Follow the Water

It's time for us to relax. We are leaving for vacation and heading west to my favorite place in the US, California. I love it for the wine, the beach, the laid back attitude, and as my dad would say, "the land of the fruits and nuts" (crazy looking people, usually found around the beach), I just like to just call it people-watching.

I was at the dog beach this morning with Bailey, and it has turned into one of OUR favorite places. She absolutely loves the beach, and I have come to appreciate it as well. I think the best time to go is as soon as we wake up. I like to beat the Chicago summer time traffic, and have little distractions once we get there. As soon as I open the gate to the beach, Bailey shoots off like pinball in the first game. She sprints ahead swinging her frisbee, showing it off to the other dogs for what they can't have. She runs back to me to make sure I made it in ok, and then goes full throttle to the water. This morning there were only about 5 other people at the beach (usually there's at least a 100). People were laughing at her as she made it to the water and jumped in the waves, peeing immediately (a dog beach no no, but Bailey does it anyway). It's pure joy, for both of us. I don't think it's a coincidence that I got a dog that loves the water as much as I do.

I am excited to leave town for a little while, take a break, and reconnect with my husband. I need a break from IVF, trying to conceive, work, and yes, even my beloved Bailey. We will take time to sleep in, sip on wine, lay in the sun, and just "be." I can't think of anything better.

For Now

There are so many hard things for me about not having the family I so desperately seek. Of course there are the obvious things, like no baby in my arms, no stinky diapers to change, not yet watching my parents become grandparents. The list is endless. All of those hurt to my core, but there is something else that is most frustrating to me. I don’t feel like we’re moving forward in our lives.

Most of my friends, who have now had 1 or 2 children, have moved homes. They have quit jobs, gone back to jobs, started new jobs. They have looked at school systems near a home they wish to purchase. They have checked out the safest vehicles to tote their families around. They have stories of children to chat about, the latest toy or stroller. They bring photos to brunch, talk endlessly about things going on in their and their children’s lives. The newest theme park in Illinois, or hot new place to have a birthday party.

For us, we might move in a year. We haven’t bought any new vehicles, or haven’t yet checked out school systems. When I go to brunch I don’t bring any photos because who needs to see pictures of Kevin and me or Bailey. I don't have any great big stories to tell. What mom wants me to compare my dog to their baby when it comes to issues like sleeping through the night, listening, and eating habits? (I’ve found most new parents kind of look at me as if I’ve lost my marbles when I do this. And I do it inadvertently quite frequently…it’s my only point of reference!). We haven't planned any great big vacations to Europe, as we tried to go about every year since we got married. I haven't even bought new jeans in over a year because there's the hope I will get pregnant.

For now, I feel like we are just waiting. Waiting for a baby to “run the house.” Waiting to buy another car, or decide where our futures will lead us. It’s a horrible feeling to just feel stagnant. I’m not a person to just not get up and move, to make plans for something new and exciting. To go to brunch with girlfriends and feel like the biggest loser because, “nothing is new with me!” and truly mean it. To look at new homes, or buy another car.

But I will remain patient, or at least as much as my personality allows. For now, we will continue the wait.

Just Charming

We are knocking on the door of our 3rd IVF cycle. Our retrieval is just around the corner and then we’ll do a Day 3 transfer. I’d divulge the exact dates, but I get a little superstitious. Speaking of superstitious, I have some lucky charms that I’ll be bringing with me.

When Kevin and I got married I had an old English penny with me from the 1800’s. I stuck it in my shoe for “and a sixpence penny in your shoe.” My grandfather gave it to me when I was about 11 years old and a few months before he died, and I have always cherished it. I brought this penny when we did our last cycle of IVF that got us pregnant. Kevin held it when I was sedated, or when they were transferring the embryos. My grandfather’s name was Albert, so that’s why we named the baby Nicholas Albert when we sent him to heaven. So this old English penny will be with me for this cycle as well.

After we lost Nicholas, the nurses and doctors were able to get his hand and foot prints that day in the hospital. I can barely look at them without crying, so I don’t. But I sent a copy to a woman who makes jewelry out of these impressions. I had her make me a necklace. It’s not something I wear because I really don’t want to get asked about it everytime I have it on, but I know it will be something I cherish forever.

Since I didn’t want to wear this necklace because it was so obvious, I wanted something that I could wear every day. I found a little wings charm while shopping at Nordstroms one day. I saw it and immediately thought “those are my wings!” So I bought it and wear the necklace quite often. I thought the necklace needed another little charm, so I found a little Mary medallion. My grandmother, who was very religious, passed away about a year and half ago and had a bunch of these little medallions. I took a few and thought one of them went nicely with the wings.

I might end up looking a little like Mr. T with all my necklaces on, but perhaps Mr. T meets Cindy Lauper. My good cyber friend Alicia, had been given some fertility socks for her IUI cycle she just completed. Well apparently these socks work very well since she is now pregnant, so she sent me a pair (thanks Alicia, I got them today!). I will be getting a picture with my feet in the socks in the stirrups (probably wait until the transfer though, doubt the doctors would appreciate it if I wore them into the surgical room, doped up, trying to take a picture of my feet).

So there you have it. Prayers and positive thoughts couldn’t hurt either so we’ll be accepting those as well.

Lucky Strike

In keeping with my summer of fun festivity schedule, I did the unthinkable on Sunday. I went bowling. Kevin and I had just had lunch, and were thinking about going to a movie. But sitting still and eating a ginormous bucket of popcorn sounded less than ideal to us. No, I wanted fun, I wanted exciting…I wanted bowling! It was so hot on Sunday in Chicago, so being in a cool bowling alley, sure to be far from anyone I would know, sounded like perfect plan.

We walked into the alley and not surprisingly it was fairly empty. I was also quickly reminded that bowling alleys have not changed in 20 years. Same shoes, same balls, same $10.99 pizza that comes with a pitcher of soda, and of course, same arcade room. There was a kid birthday party at the far end of the alley, and every once in awhile we’d hear over the loud speaker,

“Happy Birthday, Joshua!”
“Happy Birthday, Ricky!”

The one thing that HAS changed is the cost of bowling. One hour of bowling, 2 pairs of shoes, 4 socks and $36 later, we were set to bowl. I picked out a shockingly pink marbled ball and we were off!

The first throw/roll/whip of my ball down the lane I felt like I sprained my wrist. I guess in 20 years, some things HAVE changed…this aging body can’t just pick up and do things like she used to. This girl is getting old! But once I got warmed up, I was unstoppable. I even beat Kevin once, and (ahem) had the high score of the day. Kevin is freakishly good at bar games (darts, pool, bowling), so that was no easy feat! I also had the low score of the day, so I’m pretty sure it all evened out in the end.

After an hour and 15 minutes of truly more fun than I thought we’d have (we ditched grocery shopping for bowling after all), I was sad to leave. Sure I felt kind of dorky bowling, and my sister kind of looked at me strangely when I told her what we did that day. But it was fun to move some muscles and do something different. I wish those same muscles didn’t hurt so much the next day, but as I get older, I’ll take the sore back and wrist to have a little unsuspecting fun.

Love is Free

We were at the Sheryl Crow concert with some friends this past Sunday (it was the weekend for concerts apparently). My girlfriend has 2 little ones, and knows everything about our struggles to have a baby. It took her 8 months to conceive her first, so she knows the pain of not being able to conceive. I call her my “new friend” because we have known each other for years (at least 15), and we have just recently become good friends.

After many, many, many bottles of wine on Sunday we thought we’d be cool and go buy some “glow” items. A glow necklace, a sparkling glow ring, a light-up glow wine glass, a cowboy hat and $50 later, we were ready to go! As we walked around, people were actually applauding us, and yelling, “good for you!” I didn’t realize we had put on such a show. Kevin saw us walking back to our seats and in his head was ripping on the “high school girls who got drunk and bought out the gift shop.” Then he realized it was us. Hey, its summer and I’m doing IVF in a few weeks, so I can have some fun. Unbeknownst to me, my “new friend” had bought us a baby onesie from the Sheryl Crow collection. The onesie has “Love is Free” scrawled across it (the name of her tour). It is one cute onesie.

Ever since we’ve started trying for a baby, I’ve had a rule that we can’t buy anything for the baby. I didn’t want a failed month to go by and see all the books or clothes for a baby lingering in the guest room anxiously waiting for an 8lb owner. Even when I was pregnant I didn’t really buy anything; it just never felt right. So when she presented us with her gift, I was surprisingly happy. She gave it to us and said, “It WILL happen, and I want to see the baby wear this when it does.” Or something to that affect, like I mentioned, there were many empty wine bottles around us.

For so long we had hid our secret of not being able to have a baby. Besides, it’s not really cocktail conversation. It makes people uncomfortable, unless they have experienced something similar. Throw in a pregnancy loss at 5 months, I start to see men pulling at their collars and women avoiding eye contact. But now that we’ve been pregnant, the secret is out, and the support from friends and family has been amazing. It really takes a tragedy to realize what great family and friends we have. After spending more money that we thought possible on having a baby, I’ve come to realize that at least the love is free, and we’ll take it.

Slow Down...Life's Too Short

Monday after work, I hopped in a cab to go home. Since we were at a concert on Sunday night and I was still feeling the repercussions of sleeping less than 6 hours and drinking enough wine the night before to put Robert Mondavi to shame, I treated myself with a ride home.

We were about 2 blocks from my work traveling on the very busy Magnificent Mile when a girl ran across the street trying to beat the light before it turned green. As I sat in my stuffy cab trying to decipher my cab driver’s Jamaican dialect, I saw this young woman get hit by a car. Thankfully, she did not look seriously hurt. I could see her leg was slightly injured, but she was standing up and talking to people…glaring at the car that hit her. Everyday I see people trying to beat the light, sprint to the train, take the fastest elevator. I get it…I’ve done the same, but is it so worth risking your life?

Last night, Kevin and I went to a concert at a pretty small venue in Chicago. We saw Amos Lee, and it was pretty unbelievable. I could almost reach out and touch him. After our long drawn out weekend with family in town, a concert on a Monday night did not sound like the best option in the world. But once we got there, we became transfixed on Amos Lee. The man knows how to sing. For 2 hours, we stood in one place and listened to the soothing tunes of Amos and his band. For those 2 hours, I did not want to be anywhere else. Even on a Monday night. We haven't been out and listened to "new" music that not everyone has heard of in a long time.

This summer has been about slowing down, and trying to appreciate the good things and what I do have. It has not always been easy. I can not always turn off the pain in my mind and heart like I’d like to. I can not snap my fingers and have everything in life that I would like. But if I have learned anything these past few months, it is that life is so precious. That nothing is worth launching your own self across Michigan Avenue during rush hour to make any train, dinner date or spinning class. It is about slowing down, and spending time with family and friends and just being in the moment.

Some People Get It

Every once in awhile I feel like someone "gets it." I had to go to the Podiatrist today because I thought I might have a stress fracture or chipped bone in my foot. Doesn't hurt bad enough not to walk on it, but there is something not right. The doctor (who looked about 24 years old) couldn't find anything wrong, of course. I feel like every time I finally get up the nerve and find the time to get to the doctor they never find what's wrong with me. Then I feel like a hypochondriac idiot, when really I am quite the opposite.

After my appointment and I tried to leave without paying, by mistake of course, the receptionist called me back into the office. She was settling my co-pay, and a woman walked in with a baby boy about 1 year old. He was darling! He was smiling and cooing and really putting on a show for everyone in the waiting room. I peered down into his stroller trying to get some of that smile or a giggle for myself.

The receptionist leaned over to me and whispered, "he's the office sweetheart. Our head doctor tried for that little guy for over 5 years and he's finally here." I smiled like it was no big deal, and peeked into his stroller again and he was beaming. It was like he knew his arrival was not easy and he was living up every second of his life. The mom stepped out so I never got to see her, but leaving I felt happy. That doctor knows the pain of infertility and seemed to have the support of the whole office. The other day at lunch my friend said she's not yet trying for a baby, but knowing her luck it will happen on the first try (saying this with a ton of dread). Yes, yes, that would just suck wouldn't it?

So you see, not everyone gets it. I, for one, can't wait to stroll around with my little guy or gal and shout to the world that it was a hard won battle. Because I will shout that out to the world. Because you never know who is struggling. And because some people will get it and I will do it for them.

A Very Good Year

Last night my boss surprised my co-workers and me with a gift card to Nordstrom and a dinner out at a fabulous restaurant. We only have 4 people total in my company, and we work on 100% commission, so our “work” outings tend to be different than most other people’s companies. So after our shopping excursion, I found myself sitting at one of the most fabulous restaurants in Chicago with a view of Lake Michigan and the city of Chicago sipping on a cool and delicious glass of white wine, a Reisling to be exact. See, I thought we were having our “summer outing”, but my boss said she was treating us because being on an August through July financial, she had just closed her books for the year and said we had just had “a very good year.”

“A very good year” got me thinking. If you asked me about 3 months ago, I would have said this was by far my shittiest year. I lost my baby that I had been waiting for so patiently (and impatiently),and it had taken months to heal from the physical scars and repercussions, let alone the emotional scratch marks it left on my mind. We paid out of pocket for IVF, so not only did I lose my sweet baby boy, but we were looking down the path of IVF again, and having to dig deep into savings. All of our “life” plans have been put on hold, such as buying a house, and deciding our next move for our future. This was a lose-lose situation all around.

But a very good year? In spite of all I had been through, could I have possibly had a very good year as well? Yes, I am not sitting at home with my baby boy in my arms, but I was sitting in the nicest restaurant in Chicago, happy and healthy and even enjoying myself. I came home to find my husband on the couch and a pup so excited to see me, all 75lbs of her practically crawled up in my lap. This year I learned I have the best family anyone could ask for as they supported me, held me up and ate pizza with me during my darkest time. I live in one of the coolest cities in the world and have been enjoying every inch we can squeeze into every second this summer. I also have a job to boot, and a boss and co-workers who are great to work with every day.

That being said, this probably won’t go down as my very best or favorite year of my life, but a very good year? Indeed it is…and next year can only get better.

Out of the blue, and into the Lupron

I am out of the blue. Thankfully. I’ve started working out again (an hour on the elliptical yesterday, thank you very much), stopped eating peanut butter like it was my job, and bought some fabulously trashy books. Nothing like chick lit books to pull me out of feeling blue.

I also started Lupron on Saturday, so we are on our way to another fresh cycle. Lupron makes me absolutely nuts, so I think the working out will (hopefully) help with any crazy feelings and emotions. I have put my feelings about the whole IVF cycle up on a “shelf.” I prefer to just go through the motions and not have any thoughts either way. Seems to work just fine for me.

Last night we went to Ravinia. Ravinia is an outdoor concert venue just north of Chicago. Everyone brings blankets, chairs, food, wine, candles, whatever, and sets up there spot on the lawn to listen to whoever’s playing that night. Last night it was Gypsy Kings, who I have wanted to see for about the past 8 years. It’s part of my endless quest to try to find some Latin roots in my background. I know they have to be in there somewhere, and some day I will find a connection. Anyway, the concert was great, we met some new friends and drank a little too much wine. AND the best part is, we are convinced we saw Kato Kaelin! I have posted some pics from our fabulous night.

Going through the front doors...it was PACKED!

View of the lawn (we had pavillion seats)

It's totally him, right?