There are so many hard things for me about not having the family I so desperately seek. Of course there are the obvious things, like no baby in my arms, no stinky diapers to change, not yet watching my parents become grandparents. The list is endless. All of those hurt to my core, but there is something else that is most frustrating to me. I don’t feel like we’re moving forward in our lives.
Most of my friends, who have now had 1 or 2 children, have moved homes. They have quit jobs, gone back to jobs, started new jobs. They have looked at school systems near a home they wish to purchase. They have checked out the safest vehicles to tote their families around. They have stories of children to chat about, the latest toy or stroller. They bring photos to brunch, talk endlessly about things going on in their and their children’s lives. The newest theme park in Illinois, or hot new place to have a birthday party.
For us, we might move in a year. We haven’t bought any new vehicles, or haven’t yet checked out school systems. When I go to brunch I don’t bring any photos because who needs to see pictures of Kevin and me or Bailey. I don't have any great big stories to tell. What mom wants me to compare my dog to their baby when it comes to issues like sleeping through the night, listening, and eating habits? (I’ve found most new parents kind of look at me as if I’ve lost my marbles when I do this. And I do it inadvertently quite frequently…it’s my only point of reference!). We haven't planned any great big vacations to Europe, as we tried to go about every year since we got married. I haven't even bought new jeans in over a year because there's the hope I will get pregnant.
For now, I feel like we are just waiting. Waiting for a baby to “run the house.” Waiting to buy another car, or decide where our futures will lead us. It’s a horrible feeling to just feel stagnant. I’m not a person to just not get up and move, to make plans for something new and exciting. To go to brunch with girlfriends and feel like the biggest loser because, “nothing is new with me!” and truly mean it. To look at new homes, or buy another car.
But I will remain patient, or at least as much as my personality allows. For now, we will continue the wait.
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oh Joelle ((((hugs)))) I have so been there. It is so hard to particapte in friends conversations that only revolve around babies, kids, pregnancies etc. I started avoiding those large gatherings of moms, when I was the only non mom there.
ReplyDeleteI soo feel the same about putting life on hold and just waiting. There is nothing else to do! And it is so boring and painful and has made me HATE life sometimes.
i really really hope that soon you will be planning your nursery, or if you decide to adopt filling up your time with the paperwork, seminars, homestudies and portfolio making (trust me its a huge time consumer and really feels great doing it all, like you actully have some control over your future!). Whoever it happens, soon you will have your family and will be the fantastic mom you are meant to be!
Waiting STINKS and I wish that there was something that we could do to make the time go faster! But I just know that our time is coming very soon! VERY soon we will bore (?) people with pictures & stories of the latest cute thing that our babies have done.
ReplyDeleteKnow that I feel your pain and I walk this journey with you! Know that I love you & send you {{HUGS}}