One year ago today I was in a very bad place. I remember every minute of it, every second. I wish I could erase from my mind those thoughts, but I never will, unfortunately. At this time last year I was drugged up so badly I could barely speak. I remember watching tv, not being able to eat all day. I remember that we had to be back at the hospital at 2pm. I remember crying all day, with small naps in between. I remember driving to the hospital with Kevin, not speaking a word, but so out of it from the drugs that the roads looked like giant waves that we were riding, instead of the highway. We got to the hospital to meet my parents. They looked like the well dressed middle aged couple out of catalog drinking their coffee. If you took a second look into their eyes you would have seen a whole different story. I went up to them and we hugged a little longer than normal, and I wanted to start crying. No tears came, again the drugs, and we went up to our floor. We filled out some paperwork, and soon enough I was taken back to the room. We called the chaplain in, and said a prayer for Nicholas. An hour later I woke up, no longer pregnant, no longer with my sweet baby, and no longer looking forward to July 7th.
Today is not as hard as I thought it might be. Days just come and go, without too much fanfare, or excitement. The pain is no longer stabbing my heart, but the pain is dull and still a force. It's usually hidden deep down so I can get on with my life, but everyone once in a great while, it bubbles over.
It feels like it was 5 years ago that we said good bye, not 1 year ago. And for that I'm thankful.
2009 is moving along somewhat ok. We had our IVF cycle, which I found out yesterday did not work. I am once again, heartbroken. I picture our little girl with curls and a spunky attitude. I picture a little boy with ears that stick out a tiny bit and has a more serious, yet funny, disposition. I'm not sure at this point, we will have babies with our own DNA. That thought scares me, but it is not unexpected afterall we have been through. I'm not sure right now what our future holds, but I'm not going to let this get me down. We are going to keep plugging along, and for today, get past March 4th.
Showing posts with label Nicholas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nicholas. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Right Place, Right Time
I sat at work on Friday, trying to fill a new position that we had gotten in that morning. After I submitted no less than 10 candidates, checked Facebook, my news sites and People.com, I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling. The feeling felt amazing, and for the first time in over 2 years, I suddenly felt at peace. Like I was at the right place, at the right time in my life, and this is where I'm supposed to be. It almost felt like a gentle hand placed itself on my heart and I instantly calmed down.
I first started thinking about all the good things infertility has brought in my life. While its hard to see the good things in it, I suddenly felt them at that point. I felt how it's made my marriage stronger. I remember when we first got married (6 years ago) and we were trying to move to Europe through Kevin's work. We were both excited and scared at the prospect, but would have jumped at that chance. I was hearing inklings at the time that it would be really rough on us, that Kevin would be working long hours, that I most likely wouldn't get work and would be home. Alone. In a foreign country with none of my friends or family. We were up for the challenge, but I'm not going to say our first year of marriage was a cake walk. So I was worried. One of Kevin's bosses that had lived in Europe much like we were trying to do told Kevin that after living in Europe on your own for a few years will only strengthen your marriage. I remember he told us that "if you can survive that, your marriage will survive anything...no problem." I now know, we were tested in a different way. While I think I'd rather live in Europe for 2-3 years than what we've been through, that was not our decision to make. I know that after going through what we have been that life can throw us anything at any time, and we have to deal with it. I feel that we can get through anything together now. And I can only assume we will have plenty of life's unexpectancies come up again. And again. I'd rather go through them with some laughter and fun, then depression and melancholy.
Not only has my marriage strengthened, but my family ties have as well. When the news broke that we had lost the pregnancy, Nicholas, I was never more amazed by the outpouring of love and affection. You hear this in times of tragedy, and I always rolled my eyes. But I get it now...and it's unfathomable. Our home looked like a nursery and cards rolled in every day, non stop for over a week. My sister flew in as soon as she possibly could and my mom and day wouldn't leave us alone (in a good way). We had much needed shoulders to lean on, and soothing voices to ease our pain. We had a crazy dog who didn't know what the hell was going on but would lick away the tears, no questions asked. I know in any crisis, or in times of joy, my family will be at my beckon call. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to realize just how good you've got it.
Lastly, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Yes, the economy is bad and I'm directly affected by it. But nothing is worse than losing a child. No, I never got to know this child, but it was my child...I felt him kick. I bought his crib set and first onesie. After that, many things in life seem so irrelevant and stressed out. Who cares if Jessica Simpson gained some weight? Who cares if our flight was delayed 5 hours. Who cares if Bailey chewed another boot (well I did kind of care on that one!). My point is, I've realized that those inconsequential things shouldn't take over my life. I still have my worries and concerns, but my outlook on life has changed.
Not only have I benefited from infertility, but I got a sense that my timeline that so often feels off, is actually spot on. I thought thank goodness I'm not living in the suburbs with 2.2 kids and a white picket fence. Now this is something I yearn for, it hurts I want it so much. But if we had done this too early, had kids too early, or moved out of the city too early, it would have been...well, too early. Many of my friends already have 2 kids, and are living that life. Most of them have never been to Europe, Cabo, or to the vineyards in Napa Valley. Most of them don't have a social life on the weekends or meet friends out for dinner at the newest restaurant in the city. A few aren't working anymore and stay at home with 2 to 3 kids under the age of 4. I'm not making little of their lives, but for once, I was glad for where I was. See, I tend to get antsy, and feel the need for change. If I had done all of those things too early in my life or marriage, I would have felt suffocated. I would of course give up my life in the city and trade in my designer shoes for a baby, but I won't have to. No one can take away that I've been to Italy, Greece or Paris. No one can take away the pain I've felt. No one can take away my experiences.
For all these feelings I truly believe they will make me a better mother. I truly feel that I'm in the right place, at the right time. That I'm here, right now, for a reason. That when I get to the end of my life, I will know why this happened...and I will understand it. And believe it or not, I wouldn't trade it. Because it's unique to me, and whatever path we wind up down, or however we get our family, it will be ours and no one can take that away from us.
I first started thinking about all the good things infertility has brought in my life. While its hard to see the good things in it, I suddenly felt them at that point. I felt how it's made my marriage stronger. I remember when we first got married (6 years ago) and we were trying to move to Europe through Kevin's work. We were both excited and scared at the prospect, but would have jumped at that chance. I was hearing inklings at the time that it would be really rough on us, that Kevin would be working long hours, that I most likely wouldn't get work and would be home. Alone. In a foreign country with none of my friends or family. We were up for the challenge, but I'm not going to say our first year of marriage was a cake walk. So I was worried. One of Kevin's bosses that had lived in Europe much like we were trying to do told Kevin that after living in Europe on your own for a few years will only strengthen your marriage. I remember he told us that "if you can survive that, your marriage will survive anything...no problem." I now know, we were tested in a different way. While I think I'd rather live in Europe for 2-3 years than what we've been through, that was not our decision to make. I know that after going through what we have been that life can throw us anything at any time, and we have to deal with it. I feel that we can get through anything together now. And I can only assume we will have plenty of life's unexpectancies come up again. And again. I'd rather go through them with some laughter and fun, then depression and melancholy.
Not only has my marriage strengthened, but my family ties have as well. When the news broke that we had lost the pregnancy, Nicholas, I was never more amazed by the outpouring of love and affection. You hear this in times of tragedy, and I always rolled my eyes. But I get it now...and it's unfathomable. Our home looked like a nursery and cards rolled in every day, non stop for over a week. My sister flew in as soon as she possibly could and my mom and day wouldn't leave us alone (in a good way). We had much needed shoulders to lean on, and soothing voices to ease our pain. We had a crazy dog who didn't know what the hell was going on but would lick away the tears, no questions asked. I know in any crisis, or in times of joy, my family will be at my beckon call. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to realize just how good you've got it.
Lastly, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Yes, the economy is bad and I'm directly affected by it. But nothing is worse than losing a child. No, I never got to know this child, but it was my child...I felt him kick. I bought his crib set and first onesie. After that, many things in life seem so irrelevant and stressed out. Who cares if Jessica Simpson gained some weight? Who cares if our flight was delayed 5 hours. Who cares if Bailey chewed another boot (well I did kind of care on that one!). My point is, I've realized that those inconsequential things shouldn't take over my life. I still have my worries and concerns, but my outlook on life has changed.
Not only have I benefited from infertility, but I got a sense that my timeline that so often feels off, is actually spot on. I thought thank goodness I'm not living in the suburbs with 2.2 kids and a white picket fence. Now this is something I yearn for, it hurts I want it so much. But if we had done this too early, had kids too early, or moved out of the city too early, it would have been...well, too early. Many of my friends already have 2 kids, and are living that life. Most of them have never been to Europe, Cabo, or to the vineyards in Napa Valley. Most of them don't have a social life on the weekends or meet friends out for dinner at the newest restaurant in the city. A few aren't working anymore and stay at home with 2 to 3 kids under the age of 4. I'm not making little of their lives, but for once, I was glad for where I was. See, I tend to get antsy, and feel the need for change. If I had done all of those things too early in my life or marriage, I would have felt suffocated. I would of course give up my life in the city and trade in my designer shoes for a baby, but I won't have to. No one can take away that I've been to Italy, Greece or Paris. No one can take away the pain I've felt. No one can take away my experiences.
For all these feelings I truly believe they will make me a better mother. I truly feel that I'm in the right place, at the right time. That I'm here, right now, for a reason. That when I get to the end of my life, I will know why this happened...and I will understand it. And believe it or not, I wouldn't trade it. Because it's unique to me, and whatever path we wind up down, or however we get our family, it will be ours and no one can take that away from us.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
St. Nicholas Day
Last night I was updating my IVF info on the right side panel, and I typed in that my beta testing is 12/6. December 6th. St. Nicholas Day. Tears started stinging my eyes.
St. Nicholas Day, for those who don't know is the day Catholics honor St. Nicholas. Growing up we'd put a shoe outside of our bedroom door on December 5th to find in the morning it had been filled with goodies. Even when we were old enough to know St. Nick didn't exist we left our shoes out, well, I usually found a boot so it could hold more. We never stopped doing it, all the way until we moved out after college. Funny, but I NEVER heard my parents put anything in those shoes...they were just magically filled with loot in the morning. Now, nothing big, maybe some candy, a calendar, small items. It was always something fun to look forward to and got us in the mood for Christmas, as if we needed anymore excuses when we were kids.
After my sister and I left home and eventually got married, around December 6th we'd find goodies in the mail for ourselves and our husbands. The return address always marked: From St. Nick. This year, at Thanksgiving I was joking around and asked my mom if we could get a Christmas present early (gives you an idea of my maturity level). She looked at me and said..."maybe!" After dinner she brought down packages for my sister and me in bright red silk bags tied with a gold ribbon. She said St. Nick had come early this year, and left these gifts at her house. Confused, we both opened our gifts with our onlooking husbands. What I found took my breath away.
Before I was even born, my mom made an Advent calendar. She made it out of felt, and made 24 individual ornaments to put on the felt Christmas tree. I had told my mom countless times that when I have kids, I really wanted her to make me one. I can be fairly persistant, probably borderline annoying, so I know she heard me! But when we opened the gifts, out came a fresh, brand new Advent calendar that my mom had made for us. It is so identical to the one we had growing up, we were speechless. There is so much detail work with each ornament, I am amazed it came out so well. My dad said my mom would get up before work, come home after work and on weekends and work on them for us. She had been working on them for about a year (off and on). It's already hanging in my home, and I can't wait for my kids to fight over who puts each ornament up. It's one of those gifts if the house was burning I'd try to grab it on my way out (husband and dog first, of course).
So imagine my surprise when I realized that I am testing on December 6th, St. Nicholas Day. Imagine my surprise, when I think of my little angel Nicholas looking down on us, on his special celebratory day. I did name him, afterall, after St. Nicholas, Patron Saint of Children. This year, I will leave a shoe outside my bedroom door and hope to find a positive pregnancy test in it in the morning. And if I don't, that's ok too. I am still bracing for the worst, but I can tell you that no matter what...I know that by next Christmas a child will be putting those ornaments up (perhaps with a little help), or we will be on an adoption list, or my pregnant belly will make it difficult to hang ornaments. Of one of those things, I am sure.
St. Nicholas Day, for those who don't know is the day Catholics honor St. Nicholas. Growing up we'd put a shoe outside of our bedroom door on December 5th to find in the morning it had been filled with goodies. Even when we were old enough to know St. Nick didn't exist we left our shoes out, well, I usually found a boot so it could hold more. We never stopped doing it, all the way until we moved out after college. Funny, but I NEVER heard my parents put anything in those shoes...they were just magically filled with loot in the morning. Now, nothing big, maybe some candy, a calendar, small items. It was always something fun to look forward to and got us in the mood for Christmas, as if we needed anymore excuses when we were kids.
After my sister and I left home and eventually got married, around December 6th we'd find goodies in the mail for ourselves and our husbands. The return address always marked: From St. Nick. This year, at Thanksgiving I was joking around and asked my mom if we could get a Christmas present early (gives you an idea of my maturity level). She looked at me and said..."maybe!" After dinner she brought down packages for my sister and me in bright red silk bags tied with a gold ribbon. She said St. Nick had come early this year, and left these gifts at her house. Confused, we both opened our gifts with our onlooking husbands. What I found took my breath away.
Before I was even born, my mom made an Advent calendar. She made it out of felt, and made 24 individual ornaments to put on the felt Christmas tree. I had told my mom countless times that when I have kids, I really wanted her to make me one. I can be fairly persistant, probably borderline annoying, so I know she heard me! But when we opened the gifts, out came a fresh, brand new Advent calendar that my mom had made for us. It is so identical to the one we had growing up, we were speechless. There is so much detail work with each ornament, I am amazed it came out so well. My dad said my mom would get up before work, come home after work and on weekends and work on them for us. She had been working on them for about a year (off and on). It's already hanging in my home, and I can't wait for my kids to fight over who puts each ornament up. It's one of those gifts if the house was burning I'd try to grab it on my way out (husband and dog first, of course).
So imagine my surprise when I realized that I am testing on December 6th, St. Nicholas Day. Imagine my surprise, when I think of my little angel Nicholas looking down on us, on his special celebratory day. I did name him, afterall, after St. Nicholas, Patron Saint of Children. This year, I will leave a shoe outside my bedroom door and hope to find a positive pregnancy test in it in the morning. And if I don't, that's ok too. I am still bracing for the worst, but I can tell you that no matter what...I know that by next Christmas a child will be putting those ornaments up (perhaps with a little help), or we will be on an adoption list, or my pregnant belly will make it difficult to hang ornaments. Of one of those things, I am sure.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Just Charming
We are knocking on the door of our 3rd IVF cycle. Our retrieval is just around the corner and then we’ll do a Day 3 transfer. I’d divulge the exact dates, but I get a little superstitious. Speaking of superstitious, I have some lucky charms that I’ll be bringing with me.
When Kevin and I got married I had an old English penny with me from the 1800’s. I stuck it in my shoe for “and a sixpence penny in your shoe.” My grandfather gave it to me when I was about 11 years old and a few months before he died, and I have always cherished it. I brought this penny when we did our last cycle of IVF that got us pregnant. Kevin held it when I was sedated, or when they were transferring the embryos. My grandfather’s name was Albert, so that’s why we named the baby Nicholas Albert when we sent him to heaven. So this old English penny will be with me for this cycle as well.
After we lost Nicholas, the nurses and doctors were able to get his hand and foot prints that day in the hospital. I can barely look at them without crying, so I don’t. But I sent a copy to a woman who makes jewelry out of these impressions. I had her make me a necklace. It’s not something I wear because I really don’t want to get asked about it everytime I have it on, but I know it will be something I cherish forever.
Since I didn’t want to wear this necklace because it was so obvious, I wanted something that I could wear every day. I found a little wings charm while shopping at Nordstroms one day. I saw it and immediately thought “those are my wings!” So I bought it and wear the necklace quite often. I thought the necklace needed another little charm, so I found a little Mary medallion. My grandmother, who was very religious, passed away about a year and half ago and had a bunch of these little medallions. I took a few and thought one of them went nicely with the wings.
I might end up looking a little like Mr. T with all my necklaces on, but perhaps Mr. T meets Cindy Lauper. My good cyber friend Alicia, had been given some fertility socks for her IUI cycle she just completed. Well apparently these socks work very well since she is now pregnant, so she sent me a pair (thanks Alicia, I got them today!). I will be getting a picture with my feet in the socks in the stirrups (probably wait until the transfer though, doubt the doctors would appreciate it if I wore them into the surgical room, doped up, trying to take a picture of my feet).
So there you have it. Prayers and positive thoughts couldn’t hurt either so we’ll be accepting those as well.
When Kevin and I got married I had an old English penny with me from the 1800’s. I stuck it in my shoe for “and a sixpence penny in your shoe.” My grandfather gave it to me when I was about 11 years old and a few months before he died, and I have always cherished it. I brought this penny when we did our last cycle of IVF that got us pregnant. Kevin held it when I was sedated, or when they were transferring the embryos. My grandfather’s name was Albert, so that’s why we named the baby Nicholas Albert when we sent him to heaven. So this old English penny will be with me for this cycle as well.
After we lost Nicholas, the nurses and doctors were able to get his hand and foot prints that day in the hospital. I can barely look at them without crying, so I don’t. But I sent a copy to a woman who makes jewelry out of these impressions. I had her make me a necklace. It’s not something I wear because I really don’t want to get asked about it everytime I have it on, but I know it will be something I cherish forever.
Since I didn’t want to wear this necklace because it was so obvious, I wanted something that I could wear every day. I found a little wings charm while shopping at Nordstroms one day. I saw it and immediately thought “those are my wings!” So I bought it and wear the necklace quite often. I thought the necklace needed another little charm, so I found a little Mary medallion. My grandmother, who was very religious, passed away about a year and half ago and had a bunch of these little medallions. I took a few and thought one of them went nicely with the wings.
I might end up looking a little like Mr. T with all my necklaces on, but perhaps Mr. T meets Cindy Lauper. My good cyber friend Alicia, had been given some fertility socks for her IUI cycle she just completed. Well apparently these socks work very well since she is now pregnant, so she sent me a pair (thanks Alicia, I got them today!). I will be getting a picture with my feet in the socks in the stirrups (probably wait until the transfer though, doubt the doctors would appreciate it if I wore them into the surgical room, doped up, trying to take a picture of my feet).
So there you have it. Prayers and positive thoughts couldn’t hurt either so we’ll be accepting those as well.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
4th of July
The 4th of July is by far my favorite holiday. I know, most women would argue that Christmas is their favorite holiday. My husband thinks Thanksgiving is the end all be all because of the endless eating and football watching. But for me, there’s nothing like the 4th; it brings out the kid in me again. The 4th is the epitome of summer fun, and I admit that I’m a hopeless romantic when it comes to summer. I get up early, usually try to get out for a run, or bring Bailey to the dog beach. I eat outside every chance I get…heck I’m even typing this outside on my laptop. I can’t get enough, I LOVE summer!
Growing up we’d spend the day at the pool or even the beach and then head to the local fireworks in town in the evening. Sparklers in hand, glow bracelets wrapped around every body part we could manage and a cooler full of snacks, it seemed a rite of passage to summer. I loved laying out the blanket, and leaving my parents until the “show” started and coming back to find them and everyone cuddling on the blanket and oo-ing and ahh-ing at bursting light displays in the sky.
For the holiday this year, I decided Kevin and I needed to get out of the city. Something about staying in the city for such a holiday is an oxymoron to me. My parents dock a boat in New Buffalo, MI and it sounded like the perfect place. My sister and her husband were coming in from DC, and I was so excited to have the whole family together for a few days. It would be the perfect amount of time to relax, grill out, see some fireworks and cruise Lake Michigan in the boat. I was so excited that when we left on Thursday morning I had my swimsuit on under my clothes so I could be ready for anything the day would bring. I felt 10 years old again.
When we got to New Buffalo on Thursday around lunchtime, I needed a parka instead of swimsuit. It was freezing! We tried to eat outside (I had my hooded sweatshirt wrapped around my head, much to the chagrin of Kevin), so we ate our food quickly and ran back inside because the rest of my family was joining us. It was just too chilly to do anything, we couldn’t take the boat out because it was too choppy, we couldn’t lay by the pool or beach because we would have gotten icicles on our bodies, so that didn’t leave us many options. We walked into town and tried to shop, but most beachside Michigan towns are not known for their exemplary shopping. After a few hours of this we retired to our room for a nap. This holiday was not going how I pictured it.
Alas, Friday we woke, and the sun was shining and it was 80 degrees! Back on with the bathing suit! I knew we’d finally be able to take the boat out and I couldn’t wait. After the tedium of the previous day, we needed some adventure. Kevin has been dying to learn how to drive the boat all summer and my dad has been more than willing to teach him. So today was the day. We couldn’t get more adventurous than having a first time boat driver take a 27 foot cruiser onto the lake with the whole family and his anxious father-in-law shouting instructions at him. After gassing up the boat, almost hitting another boat but missing by a mere 3 feet, and enough swearing to last a life time, we were cruising on the beautiful lake.
The wind was slapping at my face, the water splashing at my toes, scenes of people on the beach could be seen from a mile away, and jet skiers swerved past us. This was what I had been waiting for. It’s hard to talk when you’re cruising on the boat because it can get pretty loud, so I took some time to myself just watching the water. Water is very healing for me, and I have a need to be around water often (I am an Aquarius after all). This is the weekend I was due to have Nicholas, and truly I felt ok. But I kept having flashes that we should have all been in a hospital room in Chicago welcoming the newest member to our clan instead of vacationing by the beach. They weren’t painful visions, more so I just wanted to remember and honor him. But being out on that water, the world and all of its injustices seemed miles away. By the time we got off the boat my curly hair was knotted and tangled, my lips felt sun burnt and we were all starving. But my mind was calm and I couldn’t have felt more at ease.
We concluded that day with grilling steaks and chicken next to the boat on my parent’s dock, and drinking plenty of non-alcoholic champagne. The cold came back and my mom went on the boat and brought out blankets and coats for everyone. I put my hooded sweatshirt back on my head, and snuggled up close to everyone under the blanket. The music was playing and every angle we looked in the sky we could see fireworks from different towns. Minus the cold, I couldn’t have been happier. Even though I don’t have my own children yet to share my favorite holiday, and we might not be spending them at the boat every year, I thought how appropriate it was that even though I’m 31 years old, cuddling under blankets and watching fireworks was just what the doctor ordered.
Growing up we’d spend the day at the pool or even the beach and then head to the local fireworks in town in the evening. Sparklers in hand, glow bracelets wrapped around every body part we could manage and a cooler full of snacks, it seemed a rite of passage to summer. I loved laying out the blanket, and leaving my parents until the “show” started and coming back to find them and everyone cuddling on the blanket and oo-ing and ahh-ing at bursting light displays in the sky.
For the holiday this year, I decided Kevin and I needed to get out of the city. Something about staying in the city for such a holiday is an oxymoron to me. My parents dock a boat in New Buffalo, MI and it sounded like the perfect place. My sister and her husband were coming in from DC, and I was so excited to have the whole family together for a few days. It would be the perfect amount of time to relax, grill out, see some fireworks and cruise Lake Michigan in the boat. I was so excited that when we left on Thursday morning I had my swimsuit on under my clothes so I could be ready for anything the day would bring. I felt 10 years old again.
When we got to New Buffalo on Thursday around lunchtime, I needed a parka instead of swimsuit. It was freezing! We tried to eat outside (I had my hooded sweatshirt wrapped around my head, much to the chagrin of Kevin), so we ate our food quickly and ran back inside because the rest of my family was joining us. It was just too chilly to do anything, we couldn’t take the boat out because it was too choppy, we couldn’t lay by the pool or beach because we would have gotten icicles on our bodies, so that didn’t leave us many options. We walked into town and tried to shop, but most beachside Michigan towns are not known for their exemplary shopping. After a few hours of this we retired to our room for a nap. This holiday was not going how I pictured it.
Alas, Friday we woke, and the sun was shining and it was 80 degrees! Back on with the bathing suit! I knew we’d finally be able to take the boat out and I couldn’t wait. After the tedium of the previous day, we needed some adventure. Kevin has been dying to learn how to drive the boat all summer and my dad has been more than willing to teach him. So today was the day. We couldn’t get more adventurous than having a first time boat driver take a 27 foot cruiser onto the lake with the whole family and his anxious father-in-law shouting instructions at him. After gassing up the boat, almost hitting another boat but missing by a mere 3 feet, and enough swearing to last a life time, we were cruising on the beautiful lake.
The wind was slapping at my face, the water splashing at my toes, scenes of people on the beach could be seen from a mile away, and jet skiers swerved past us. This was what I had been waiting for. It’s hard to talk when you’re cruising on the boat because it can get pretty loud, so I took some time to myself just watching the water. Water is very healing for me, and I have a need to be around water often (I am an Aquarius after all). This is the weekend I was due to have Nicholas, and truly I felt ok. But I kept having flashes that we should have all been in a hospital room in Chicago welcoming the newest member to our clan instead of vacationing by the beach. They weren’t painful visions, more so I just wanted to remember and honor him. But being out on that water, the world and all of its injustices seemed miles away. By the time we got off the boat my curly hair was knotted and tangled, my lips felt sun burnt and we were all starving. But my mind was calm and I couldn’t have felt more at ease.
We concluded that day with grilling steaks and chicken next to the boat on my parent’s dock, and drinking plenty of non-alcoholic champagne. The cold came back and my mom went on the boat and brought out blankets and coats for everyone. I put my hooded sweatshirt back on my head, and snuggled up close to everyone under the blanket. The music was playing and every angle we looked in the sky we could see fireworks from different towns. Minus the cold, I couldn’t have been happier. Even though I don’t have my own children yet to share my favorite holiday, and we might not be spending them at the boat every year, I thought how appropriate it was that even though I’m 31 years old, cuddling under blankets and watching fireworks was just what the doctor ordered.
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