March 4th

One year ago today I was in a very bad place. I remember every minute of it, every second. I wish I could erase from my mind those thoughts, but I never will, unfortunately. At this time last year I was drugged up so badly I could barely speak. I remember watching tv, not being able to eat all day. I remember that we had to be back at the hospital at 2pm. I remember crying all day, with small naps in between. I remember driving to the hospital with Kevin, not speaking a word, but so out of it from the drugs that the roads looked like giant waves that we were riding, instead of the highway. We got to the hospital to meet my parents. They looked like the well dressed middle aged couple out of catalog drinking their coffee. If you took a second look into their eyes you would have seen a whole different story. I went up to them and we hugged a little longer than normal, and I wanted to start crying. No tears came, again the drugs, and we went up to our floor. We filled out some paperwork, and soon enough I was taken back to the room. We called the chaplain in, and said a prayer for Nicholas. An hour later I woke up, no longer pregnant, no longer with my sweet baby, and no longer looking forward to July 7th.

Today is not as hard as I thought it might be. Days just come and go, without too much fanfare, or excitement. The pain is no longer stabbing my heart, but the pain is dull and still a force. It's usually hidden deep down so I can get on with my life, but everyone once in a great while, it bubbles over.

It feels like it was 5 years ago that we said good bye, not 1 year ago. And for that I'm thankful.

2009 is moving along somewhat ok. We had our IVF cycle, which I found out yesterday did not work. I am once again, heartbroken. I picture our little girl with curls and a spunky attitude. I picture a little boy with ears that stick out a tiny bit and has a more serious, yet funny, disposition. I'm not sure at this point, we will have babies with our own DNA. That thought scares me, but it is not unexpected afterall we have been through. I'm not sure right now what our future holds, but I'm not going to let this get me down. We are going to keep plugging along, and for today, get past March 4th.