Right Place, Right Time

I sat at work on Friday, trying to fill a new position that we had gotten in that morning. After I submitted no less than 10 candidates, checked Facebook, my news sites and People.com, I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling. The feeling felt amazing, and for the first time in over 2 years, I suddenly felt at peace. Like I was at the right place, at the right time in my life, and this is where I'm supposed to be. It almost felt like a gentle hand placed itself on my heart and I instantly calmed down.

I first started thinking about all the good things infertility has brought in my life. While its hard to see the good things in it, I suddenly felt them at that point. I felt how it's made my marriage stronger. I remember when we first got married (6 years ago) and we were trying to move to Europe through Kevin's work. We were both excited and scared at the prospect, but would have jumped at that chance. I was hearing inklings at the time that it would be really rough on us, that Kevin would be working long hours, that I most likely wouldn't get work and would be home. Alone. In a foreign country with none of my friends or family. We were up for the challenge, but I'm not going to say our first year of marriage was a cake walk. So I was worried. One of Kevin's bosses that had lived in Europe much like we were trying to do told Kevin that after living in Europe on your own for a few years will only strengthen your marriage. I remember he told us that "if you can survive that, your marriage will survive anything...no problem." I now know, we were tested in a different way. While I think I'd rather live in Europe for 2-3 years than what we've been through, that was not our decision to make. I know that after going through what we have been that life can throw us anything at any time, and we have to deal with it. I feel that we can get through anything together now. And I can only assume we will have plenty of life's unexpectancies come up again. And again. I'd rather go through them with some laughter and fun, then depression and melancholy.

Not only has my marriage strengthened, but my family ties have as well. When the news broke that we had lost the pregnancy, Nicholas, I was never more amazed by the outpouring of love and affection. You hear this in times of tragedy, and I always rolled my eyes. But I get it now...and it's unfathomable. Our home looked like a nursery and cards rolled in every day, non stop for over a week. My sister flew in as soon as she possibly could and my mom and day wouldn't leave us alone (in a good way). We had much needed shoulders to lean on, and soothing voices to ease our pain. We had a crazy dog who didn't know what the hell was going on but would lick away the tears, no questions asked. I know in any crisis, or in times of joy, my family will be at my beckon call. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to realize just how good you've got it.

Lastly, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Yes, the economy is bad and I'm directly affected by it. But nothing is worse than losing a child. No, I never got to know this child, but it was my child...I felt him kick. I bought his crib set and first onesie. After that, many things in life seem so irrelevant and stressed out. Who cares if Jessica Simpson gained some weight? Who cares if our flight was delayed 5 hours. Who cares if Bailey chewed another boot (well I did kind of care on that one!). My point is, I've realized that those inconsequential things shouldn't take over my life. I still have my worries and concerns, but my outlook on life has changed.

Not only have I benefited from infertility, but I got a sense that my timeline that so often feels off, is actually spot on. I thought thank goodness I'm not living in the suburbs with 2.2 kids and a white picket fence. Now this is something I yearn for, it hurts I want it so much. But if we had done this too early, had kids too early, or moved out of the city too early, it would have been...well, too early. Many of my friends already have 2 kids, and are living that life. Most of them have never been to Europe, Cabo, or to the vineyards in Napa Valley. Most of them don't have a social life on the weekends or meet friends out for dinner at the newest restaurant in the city. A few aren't working anymore and stay at home with 2 to 3 kids under the age of 4. I'm not making little of their lives, but for once, I was glad for where I was. See, I tend to get antsy, and feel the need for change. If I had done all of those things too early in my life or marriage, I would have felt suffocated. I would of course give up my life in the city and trade in my designer shoes for a baby, but I won't have to. No one can take away that I've been to Italy, Greece or Paris. No one can take away the pain I've felt. No one can take away my experiences.

For all these feelings I truly believe they will make me a better mother. I truly feel that I'm in the right place, at the right time. That I'm here, right now, for a reason. That when I get to the end of my life, I will know why this happened...and I will understand it. And believe it or not, I wouldn't trade it. Because it's unique to me, and whatever path we wind up down, or however we get our family, it will be ours and no one can take that away from us.

No Excuses

I know I'm a little late with New Years Resolution post, but I figured it would give me some time to see how I'd do with my New Years Resolutions. I often don't make a resolution, or if I do, something fairly easy, like work out more.

Since I would like to forget 2008 for the rest of my life, I know 2009 is going to be the most phenomenal year. Have I mentioned this yet? Well it is. Enough said.

For my resolution this year, I wanted to concentrate on 2 things. Getting back in shape, and getting rid of those negative things in my life...or things which bring me down. My first resolution has been to get rid of the clutter in my life. This is all encompassing, but what a great resolution is has been for me...and even fun! First, I've cleaned up our tivo and got rid of tv shows that I should not be watching, or shows that put me in a place I don't want to be. I'm still watching tv, but cutting down on the tv watching is forcing me to read more, play with Bailey more, or work on projects. I have gone through our condo and gotten rid of trinkets and chochskies. Getting rid of useless things, and even things I was just getting tired of looking at, like candle holders, etc. I've been cleaning out drawers, and cabinets. It feels great. And it's on-going. I also think it looks nicer just having that cleaner feeling.

My second resolution is tougher I am finding. It's to stop making excuses. I encourage you to take a day and see how often you make excuses. Excuses for not going to the gym (work late/tired), excuse for not eating healthy (I will start tomorrow), excuse for gaining weight (infertility treatments). I often make all those excuses, and I am tired of listening to myself. I am tired of feeling out of shape because of the "infertility treatments." Or making any excuse under the sky to avoid the gym. Or even smaller things. Not calling a friend (I'm not a phone person), or not meeting friends out for drinks (I usually say I don't go out on Fridays). I've been at the gym 2 days this week, and signed up for a mini-indoor triathlon in February. It's still tough though, I think I made some new cuss words as I trudged to the gym yesterday. It was the last place I wanted to be...but I did it.

2009 has been about taking back ownership of my life. Enough with the excuses of infertility...yes, it sucks more than anything, but I am tired of using that as an excuse for everything in my life. This month I have 2 new IVF doctor appointments and a meeting for adoption at the end of the month. Something's going to happen, and it feels good.

I'm back, and taking my life back. No more clutter, no more excuses.

Just Charming

We are knocking on the door of our 3rd IVF cycle. Our retrieval is just around the corner and then we’ll do a Day 3 transfer. I’d divulge the exact dates, but I get a little superstitious. Speaking of superstitious, I have some lucky charms that I’ll be bringing with me.

When Kevin and I got married I had an old English penny with me from the 1800’s. I stuck it in my shoe for “and a sixpence penny in your shoe.” My grandfather gave it to me when I was about 11 years old and a few months before he died, and I have always cherished it. I brought this penny when we did our last cycle of IVF that got us pregnant. Kevin held it when I was sedated, or when they were transferring the embryos. My grandfather’s name was Albert, so that’s why we named the baby Nicholas Albert when we sent him to heaven. So this old English penny will be with me for this cycle as well.

After we lost Nicholas, the nurses and doctors were able to get his hand and foot prints that day in the hospital. I can barely look at them without crying, so I don’t. But I sent a copy to a woman who makes jewelry out of these impressions. I had her make me a necklace. It’s not something I wear because I really don’t want to get asked about it everytime I have it on, but I know it will be something I cherish forever.

Since I didn’t want to wear this necklace because it was so obvious, I wanted something that I could wear every day. I found a little wings charm while shopping at Nordstroms one day. I saw it and immediately thought “those are my wings!” So I bought it and wear the necklace quite often. I thought the necklace needed another little charm, so I found a little Mary medallion. My grandmother, who was very religious, passed away about a year and half ago and had a bunch of these little medallions. I took a few and thought one of them went nicely with the wings.

I might end up looking a little like Mr. T with all my necklaces on, but perhaps Mr. T meets Cindy Lauper. My good cyber friend Alicia, had been given some fertility socks for her IUI cycle she just completed. Well apparently these socks work very well since she is now pregnant, so she sent me a pair (thanks Alicia, I got them today!). I will be getting a picture with my feet in the socks in the stirrups (probably wait until the transfer though, doubt the doctors would appreciate it if I wore them into the surgical room, doped up, trying to take a picture of my feet).

So there you have it. Prayers and positive thoughts couldn’t hurt either so we’ll be accepting those as well.

Love is Free

We were at the Sheryl Crow concert with some friends this past Sunday (it was the weekend for concerts apparently). My girlfriend has 2 little ones, and knows everything about our struggles to have a baby. It took her 8 months to conceive her first, so she knows the pain of not being able to conceive. I call her my “new friend” because we have known each other for years (at least 15), and we have just recently become good friends.

After many, many, many bottles of wine on Sunday we thought we’d be cool and go buy some “glow” items. A glow necklace, a sparkling glow ring, a light-up glow wine glass, a cowboy hat and $50 later, we were ready to go! As we walked around, people were actually applauding us, and yelling, “good for you!” I didn’t realize we had put on such a show. Kevin saw us walking back to our seats and in his head was ripping on the “high school girls who got drunk and bought out the gift shop.” Then he realized it was us. Hey, its summer and I’m doing IVF in a few weeks, so I can have some fun. Unbeknownst to me, my “new friend” had bought us a baby onesie from the Sheryl Crow collection. The onesie has “Love is Free” scrawled across it (the name of her tour). It is one cute onesie.

Ever since we’ve started trying for a baby, I’ve had a rule that we can’t buy anything for the baby. I didn’t want a failed month to go by and see all the books or clothes for a baby lingering in the guest room anxiously waiting for an 8lb owner. Even when I was pregnant I didn’t really buy anything; it just never felt right. So when she presented us with her gift, I was surprisingly happy. She gave it to us and said, “It WILL happen, and I want to see the baby wear this when it does.” Or something to that affect, like I mentioned, there were many empty wine bottles around us.

For so long we had hid our secret of not being able to have a baby. Besides, it’s not really cocktail conversation. It makes people uncomfortable, unless they have experienced something similar. Throw in a pregnancy loss at 5 months, I start to see men pulling at their collars and women avoiding eye contact. But now that we’ve been pregnant, the secret is out, and the support from friends and family has been amazing. It really takes a tragedy to realize what great family and friends we have. After spending more money that we thought possible on having a baby, I’ve come to realize that at least the love is free, and we’ll take it.

Some People Get It

Every once in awhile I feel like someone "gets it." I had to go to the Podiatrist today because I thought I might have a stress fracture or chipped bone in my foot. Doesn't hurt bad enough not to walk on it, but there is something not right. The doctor (who looked about 24 years old) couldn't find anything wrong, of course. I feel like every time I finally get up the nerve and find the time to get to the doctor they never find what's wrong with me. Then I feel like a hypochondriac idiot, when really I am quite the opposite.

After my appointment and I tried to leave without paying, by mistake of course, the receptionist called me back into the office. She was settling my co-pay, and a woman walked in with a baby boy about 1 year old. He was darling! He was smiling and cooing and really putting on a show for everyone in the waiting room. I peered down into his stroller trying to get some of that smile or a giggle for myself.

The receptionist leaned over to me and whispered, "he's the office sweetheart. Our head doctor tried for that little guy for over 5 years and he's finally here." I smiled like it was no big deal, and peeked into his stroller again and he was beaming. It was like he knew his arrival was not easy and he was living up every second of his life. The mom stepped out so I never got to see her, but leaving I felt happy. That doctor knows the pain of infertility and seemed to have the support of the whole office. The other day at lunch my friend said she's not yet trying for a baby, but knowing her luck it will happen on the first try (saying this with a ton of dread). Yes, yes, that would just suck wouldn't it?

So you see, not everyone gets it. I, for one, can't wait to stroll around with my little guy or gal and shout to the world that it was a hard won battle. Because I will shout that out to the world. Because you never know who is struggling. And because some people will get it and I will do it for them.