Acutely Aware

Sunday came and went.  It has been 4 mother's days now that I have not been a mother and have so wanted to be a mother.  The pain associated with this day is not something that is getting any easier for me.  I am still feeling the sadness and repercussions of feeling empty on this day.

Three years ago, my first mother's day after we had started trying for a baby, I don't really remember.  I don't think I felt an emptiness or sadness so much.  I'm sure I thought about it, but given the fact that I don't remember it, I'm certain that I must have felt ok with the day. 

Two years ago, my second mother's day after we had started trying.  Well two months before that mother's day I had lost my baby.  I was still supposed to be pregnant, but instead, I carried around the extra pregnancy weight that I could not get rid of.  An awful reminder.  My mom and I went about our day of getting our nails done and brunching, but I remember feeling in a haze that day.  I remember sitting in Starbucks and looking at a painting on the wall that looked like sperm swimming toward an egg.  I remember feeling the elephant in the room, because no one said anything about it, not even my mom.

Last year, we had our "last" failed IVF cycle.  We were done, and I felt a huge weight lifted.  We were moving on to adoption.  We were also moving across the country.  So we did what we do best, we left town to avoid Mother's day at all costs.  It worked because I felt fine, and fairly confident that by next year, I'd have a baby, or maybe waiting for a birth mom to have her baby. 

This year...was rough.  Probably as rough as when we lost the baby.  I think because in both cases we were so close, we had a baby waiting in the wings, but again, that would not be our fate.  This year, I knew would hurt.  And you know what also hurt?  The bottle of wine I drank the night before Mother's day resulting in one of the worst headaches I've had to date.  Wine + Depression = hell.on.earth. 

A few days before Mother's day this year, we got a call from K's brother.  They are expecting.  She has had a rough journey of her own, taking a long time to conceive, and having a ectopic pregnancy in December.  So I knew this day was around the corner.  And I am so so happy for them.  Thrilled actually.  I know the pain of infertility, probably better than most.  On Sunday, they called again and said it was twins.  The more happy I feel, the more I feel the knife cutting through my heart.  I feel the last pieces being cut away, that somehow, they are pregnant with the last babies on earth.  That 2 1/2 years ago, we were making the same announcement, with twins.  That now...on this Mother's Day, I was left empty handed once again and must put on a happy face for someone else's joy, and can only hope that one day, we will be acutely aware of the joy we feel as well.