Had my transfer today. They transferred 2 blasts that the doc said look really good! So far we have 2 blasts for freezing, and are waiting to see if some of the others are good enough to freeze...apparently, they are little slower than the others.
I am actually at work for a few hours today. I sit at a desk all day, and don't lift, run, swim or do anything that could hurt these little guys. My RE doesn't really believe in bedrest, just taking it easy today. And besides, a yoga instructor told me once that the embryos are tucked in their so tight, it's like putting an M&M in jello. It's not really going to move anywhere.
After I avoid my boss for another 3-4 hours, I'm going home for some good quality couch time, and have my own little Fat Tuesday party. Maybe Bailey will get an extra treat tonight before she starts her fast tomorrow (I kid).
Thanks so much for all your prayers and positive thoughts. We need them now more than ever, and we are so grateful! I have my beta next week, so until then...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
No Fun This Friday Folks
Have you ever had that feeling that you were hit head on by a bus, and left for dead, in 25 degree weather, but eventually some pour sole came upon you and saved you. And you had no choice but to go on living and breathing, and going back to work, but you still felt so miserable, you kind of hated that pour sole that found you? That's kind of what I feel like right now.
Yesterday I had my egg retrieval. We got there bright and early, and waited in the eerie waiting room. The new IVF office we are going to does its retrievals in a general surgery office. So no longer were we waiting with other infertiles of the world, but people there for plastic surgery, or general out patient procedures. As I was walked back to my room (yes, I had my very own room!), I saw some man with bandages on his nose, some other women my doctor was talking to, and an older gentleman probably there for a colonscopy or something. I got into the room, changed and got snug as a bug in the bed, feeling nervous, anxious, bloated and just looking forward to the good drugs. Kevin came in and sat with me before I was taken back to the surgical room. He had a whole other room he was visiting, and I'm guessing his was more fun than mine.
The retrieval went well and apparently they got 35 eggs from me! I woke up feeling woozy, and in a whole helluva lot of pain. So I received more good drugs. And then some more. And then I felt nice and woozy and in my happy place again. Finally, we were released to go home and I got dressed and walked out to receive my final instructions. I got hot, and started to see the room sway. Kevin caught me (thanks hon) before I made a smashing hit to the floor. Back to the room for a little rest before we were on our way again. This time when we got released the nurse gave the instructions while I was in bed, and a wheelchair was brought in so they could take me to the car in style. It's funny, when I went to see my aunt I took a little ride in her wheelchair while she took care of some business in her room that I didn't want to be privvy too. And here I was, legitimately going for a ride!
I got home and napped, and once I woke up, that's when I felt like I couldn't move anything in my body. Hence feeling like I got hit by a bus. My belly looks like a 4 month pregnant woman's and the rest of my body is just all over sore. Today I'm feeling tons better, but still pretty off. I picture my ovaries to be the size of softballs right now.
Got my fertility report today and the doctor called me himself. I almost started crying because when the does actual doctor call you himself? He told me that out of the 35, 25 eggs were mature, and 18 have fertilized. I'm pretty excited that we have a good amount to work with, but as always, cautiously optimistic. I know life all too well. My transfer will be on Tuesday (doc only does 5 day transfers), so won't hear anymore until then. We only need one!!
Have a great weekend!
Yesterday I had my egg retrieval. We got there bright and early, and waited in the eerie waiting room. The new IVF office we are going to does its retrievals in a general surgery office. So no longer were we waiting with other infertiles of the world, but people there for plastic surgery, or general out patient procedures. As I was walked back to my room (yes, I had my very own room!), I saw some man with bandages on his nose, some other women my doctor was talking to, and an older gentleman probably there for a colonscopy or something. I got into the room, changed and got snug as a bug in the bed, feeling nervous, anxious, bloated and just looking forward to the good drugs. Kevin came in and sat with me before I was taken back to the surgical room. He had a whole other room he was visiting, and I'm guessing his was more fun than mine.
The retrieval went well and apparently they got 35 eggs from me! I woke up feeling woozy, and in a whole helluva lot of pain. So I received more good drugs. And then some more. And then I felt nice and woozy and in my happy place again. Finally, we were released to go home and I got dressed and walked out to receive my final instructions. I got hot, and started to see the room sway. Kevin caught me (thanks hon) before I made a smashing hit to the floor. Back to the room for a little rest before we were on our way again. This time when we got released the nurse gave the instructions while I was in bed, and a wheelchair was brought in so they could take me to the car in style. It's funny, when I went to see my aunt I took a little ride in her wheelchair while she took care of some business in her room that I didn't want to be privvy too. And here I was, legitimately going for a ride!
I got home and napped, and once I woke up, that's when I felt like I couldn't move anything in my body. Hence feeling like I got hit by a bus. My belly looks like a 4 month pregnant woman's and the rest of my body is just all over sore. Today I'm feeling tons better, but still pretty off. I picture my ovaries to be the size of softballs right now.
Got my fertility report today and the doctor called me himself. I almost started crying because when the does actual doctor call you himself? He told me that out of the 35, 25 eggs were mature, and 18 have fertilized. I'm pretty excited that we have a good amount to work with, but as always, cautiously optimistic. I know life all too well. My transfer will be on Tuesday (doc only does 5 day transfers), so won't hear anymore until then. We only need one!!
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Battered and Bruised
This IVF cycle is kicking my butt. It's leaving me battered and bruised and tired and cranky. I am so tired I can barely function, and have so little energy that washing a dish has moved it's way on to my "big accomplishment" list right now. I am a pathetic excuse for a wife, doggy mama, worker. But I will keep going. This is the longest I have ever been on stims and I just hope it all works out in the end. And if it does, at least I will be prepared for how tired some pregnant women claim to be.*
I had the day off yesterday and went to see my aunt in the hospital. She had knee replacement surgery about a week ago, and before she was getting released, the doctor noticed some blood clots on her lungs. It was good to see her, and I realized as I was chatting with my mom and my aunt in the tiny hospital room, that my aunt and I don't often just sit down and converse. She was actually cracking me up the whole time, so it was good to see her in great spirits. She will be fine by the way and should get released today or tomorrow.
My aunt also adopted my cousin nearly 40 years ago. She had numerous miscarriages and finally went to Catholic Charities. Soon after, she brought home a beautiful baby girl. After a couple of months of having my new cousin home, she got pregnant and it stuck. Then she got pregnant again, so she had 3 kids total. They were always the cousins that were closest to us. We talked a lot about adoption yesterday. The ins and outs. How open adoptions are so common now. It was kind of strange talking to her about something we've never really talked about. Sure, growing up we always new my cousin was adopted, but I had never heard the story from my aunt.
It was nice to chat with the ladies in my family. I like where we are at right now with starting our family. I like that I don't have to keep secrets about IVF or the fact that we're trying to get pregnant. I like that people know adoption is a possibility and the response is overwhelming. I think our friends and family want to turn us into Brad and Angelina and have us adopt from around the world. But it's all positive, and right now, it helps, and it's all I can ask for. I would also like to ask for the quarter size bruises on my arms from where they draw blood to go away, but I won't push my luck.
*I was never overly tired when I was pregnant, and I never really understood when pregnant women claimed to be so tired they had to sleep at work. I think this IVF cycle is karma having some fun with me.
I had the day off yesterday and went to see my aunt in the hospital. She had knee replacement surgery about a week ago, and before she was getting released, the doctor noticed some blood clots on her lungs. It was good to see her, and I realized as I was chatting with my mom and my aunt in the tiny hospital room, that my aunt and I don't often just sit down and converse. She was actually cracking me up the whole time, so it was good to see her in great spirits. She will be fine by the way and should get released today or tomorrow.
My aunt also adopted my cousin nearly 40 years ago. She had numerous miscarriages and finally went to Catholic Charities. Soon after, she brought home a beautiful baby girl. After a couple of months of having my new cousin home, she got pregnant and it stuck. Then she got pregnant again, so she had 3 kids total. They were always the cousins that were closest to us. We talked a lot about adoption yesterday. The ins and outs. How open adoptions are so common now. It was kind of strange talking to her about something we've never really talked about. Sure, growing up we always new my cousin was adopted, but I had never heard the story from my aunt.
It was nice to chat with the ladies in my family. I like where we are at right now with starting our family. I like that I don't have to keep secrets about IVF or the fact that we're trying to get pregnant. I like that people know adoption is a possibility and the response is overwhelming. I think our friends and family want to turn us into Brad and Angelina and have us adopt from around the world. But it's all positive, and right now, it helps, and it's all I can ask for. I would also like to ask for the quarter size bruises on my arms from where they draw blood to go away, but I won't push my luck.
*I was never overly tired when I was pregnant, and I never really understood when pregnant women claimed to be so tired they had to sleep at work. I think this IVF cycle is karma having some fun with me.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day!
Not a lot going on to chat about! Valentine's Day is tomorrow and we are doing a whole lot of nothing for it. I will probably find my teeth nice and fuzzy with a delicious bottle of wine on Saturday. Happy Valentine's Day!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Don't Get Used To It...
...just get pregnant.
Last week I had to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound for IVF. The nurse stuck me with a needle, and I cringed a little. She said that no matter how great your veins are (I always get complimented on my great veins...I'd rather someone say my butt looks great, but hey, I guess I should take what I can get), that it's still a needle and still hurts. I said, "well, I should be pretty used to this by now." She looked at me and said, "well don't get used to it, just get pregnant." I ran out of the office as giddy as I could be at 6:45am and told my husband what she said.
I guess I have grown cynical, or perhaps just realistic. I'm not even sure of the difference anymore. I want to be so excited for this IVF cycle, and I want it to work. But after 4 tries, and losing a baby...what should I feel at this point? The other night Kevin said he was excited for this cycle and had a good feeling about it. I cut him off before he could get the words out because I didn't want to hear it. I have this weird thing about jinxing it, but also, I don't want my hopes to get so high the crash hurts all that much more. I guess it's my way of protecting my heart.
As I mentioned yesterday, we were at a concert this past weekend, and the they sang a new song "I Believe." (not "Faith" as what I thought the name of it was). It kind of stopped me in my tracks when I was listening to it. I want to believe and I want to have faith, and even though it's a daily struggle, I try to do my best. But the nurse giving me a boost of confidence helps. The band singing this song, helps. I take it as little signs, but also keeping in mind, that it might not be a sign for what I'm wishing for at that moment. It might be a sign for something different, and I've learned to accept that.
A girl on my IVF board said a couple of days ago that "it's not our responsibility to judge God's clock." I'm not a very religious person, but I liked this. And even though I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to happen or God to decide when/where, I believe that most of life is our reaction to things. So even if this cycle doesn't work, I still need to keep up my positive attitude and believe that we are destined for great things.
I will close with a line from "I Believe" that I love...
"I have got to take the best of me and keep that heart alive
Why'd i ever want to shut that down and kill my soul?"
Last week I had to go in for bloodwork and ultrasound for IVF. The nurse stuck me with a needle, and I cringed a little. She said that no matter how great your veins are (I always get complimented on my great veins...I'd rather someone say my butt looks great, but hey, I guess I should take what I can get), that it's still a needle and still hurts. I said, "well, I should be pretty used to this by now." She looked at me and said, "well don't get used to it, just get pregnant." I ran out of the office as giddy as I could be at 6:45am and told my husband what she said.
I guess I have grown cynical, or perhaps just realistic. I'm not even sure of the difference anymore. I want to be so excited for this IVF cycle, and I want it to work. But after 4 tries, and losing a baby...what should I feel at this point? The other night Kevin said he was excited for this cycle and had a good feeling about it. I cut him off before he could get the words out because I didn't want to hear it. I have this weird thing about jinxing it, but also, I don't want my hopes to get so high the crash hurts all that much more. I guess it's my way of protecting my heart.
As I mentioned yesterday, we were at a concert this past weekend, and the they sang a new song "I Believe." (not "Faith" as what I thought the name of it was). It kind of stopped me in my tracks when I was listening to it. I want to believe and I want to have faith, and even though it's a daily struggle, I try to do my best. But the nurse giving me a boost of confidence helps. The band singing this song, helps. I take it as little signs, but also keeping in mind, that it might not be a sign for what I'm wishing for at that moment. It might be a sign for something different, and I've learned to accept that.
A girl on my IVF board said a couple of days ago that "it's not our responsibility to judge God's clock." I'm not a very religious person, but I liked this. And even though I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to happen or God to decide when/where, I believe that most of life is our reaction to things. So even if this cycle doesn't work, I still need to keep up my positive attitude and believe that we are destined for great things.
I will close with a line from "I Believe" that I love...
"I have got to take the best of me and keep that heart alive
Why'd i ever want to shut that down and kill my soul?"
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Day After
I always tell my husband that the worst day of the year is February 9th. It's the day after my birthday, and it's on this day, I know the fun is over. I don't even think it sounds nice, not like February 8th anyway.
My past few birthdays have been just ok. I always tell myself I want to do something grand, but then my birthday rounds the corner and I get all modest, and we just go to dinner or something. Well, last year I was pregnant, did not like where we went to dinner on my bday and was ready for this year to be better. It's all apart of my the best for 2009.
We started the weekend off by going to Cowboy Mouth at the House of Blues on Friday with some good friends. Well, my best friend really since 5th grade. We love going to see Cowboy Mouth in concert...it's about the most high energy show I've ever been to. It was a great show...the best part for me was when they sang a new song called Faith. The words really hit home for our next chapters in life, and I felt like he was singing it to me. If it wasn't for feeling like my eardrums were blown out, I might have shed a tear...but I was about 1/2 def at that point anyway.
Saturday after fighting my migraine (hmm...wonder where that came from?) I went to get a manicure/pedicure at one of the nicest salons in Chicago. I had a nice gift card from Christmas, so after 2 hours of massaging and painting bliss, I finally made it home. We were going to head to a restaurant for dinner, but we were both not feeling so great, so we just ordered Chinese food, and made it an early night. Not even going to say what time we went to bed, it's embarrasing.
Sunday Funday, the big day! We met up with my best girlfriends for brunch, and had mimosas and Bloody Mary's. It was a beautiful day in Chicago and it was great to be around my friends. For the past few years we haven't done anything for our birthdays and we decided that was ridiculous. It doesn't take much to get together. After brunch, we went to see Slumdog Millionaire. It was an amazing film, and I think it will win best picture this year.
Finally ended the day with flowers (pink gerber daisies), chocolate cake and homemade pizza! Do you ever have one of those birthdays where EVERYONE remembers. You get cards, emails, phone calls. This was one of those birthdays, and it was a great one. Thanks to my husband for making it a special one. I've said it before and I will say it again, 2009 is going to be a great year.
My past few birthdays have been just ok. I always tell myself I want to do something grand, but then my birthday rounds the corner and I get all modest, and we just go to dinner or something. Well, last year I was pregnant, did not like where we went to dinner on my bday and was ready for this year to be better. It's all apart of my the best for 2009.
We started the weekend off by going to Cowboy Mouth at the House of Blues on Friday with some good friends. Well, my best friend really since 5th grade. We love going to see Cowboy Mouth in concert...it's about the most high energy show I've ever been to. It was a great show...the best part for me was when they sang a new song called Faith. The words really hit home for our next chapters in life, and I felt like he was singing it to me. If it wasn't for feeling like my eardrums were blown out, I might have shed a tear...but I was about 1/2 def at that point anyway.
Saturday after fighting my migraine (hmm...wonder where that came from?) I went to get a manicure/pedicure at one of the nicest salons in Chicago. I had a nice gift card from Christmas, so after 2 hours of massaging and painting bliss, I finally made it home. We were going to head to a restaurant for dinner, but we were both not feeling so great, so we just ordered Chinese food, and made it an early night. Not even going to say what time we went to bed, it's embarrasing.
Sunday Funday, the big day! We met up with my best girlfriends for brunch, and had mimosas and Bloody Mary's. It was a beautiful day in Chicago and it was great to be around my friends. For the past few years we haven't done anything for our birthdays and we decided that was ridiculous. It doesn't take much to get together. After brunch, we went to see Slumdog Millionaire. It was an amazing film, and I think it will win best picture this year.
Finally ended the day with flowers (pink gerber daisies), chocolate cake and homemade pizza! Do you ever have one of those birthdays where EVERYONE remembers. You get cards, emails, phone calls. This was one of those birthdays, and it was a great one. Thanks to my husband for making it a special one. I've said it before and I will say it again, 2009 is going to be a great year.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Right Place, Right Time
I sat at work on Friday, trying to fill a new position that we had gotten in that morning. After I submitted no less than 10 candidates, checked Facebook, my news sites and People.com, I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling. The feeling felt amazing, and for the first time in over 2 years, I suddenly felt at peace. Like I was at the right place, at the right time in my life, and this is where I'm supposed to be. It almost felt like a gentle hand placed itself on my heart and I instantly calmed down.
I first started thinking about all the good things infertility has brought in my life. While its hard to see the good things in it, I suddenly felt them at that point. I felt how it's made my marriage stronger. I remember when we first got married (6 years ago) and we were trying to move to Europe through Kevin's work. We were both excited and scared at the prospect, but would have jumped at that chance. I was hearing inklings at the time that it would be really rough on us, that Kevin would be working long hours, that I most likely wouldn't get work and would be home. Alone. In a foreign country with none of my friends or family. We were up for the challenge, but I'm not going to say our first year of marriage was a cake walk. So I was worried. One of Kevin's bosses that had lived in Europe much like we were trying to do told Kevin that after living in Europe on your own for a few years will only strengthen your marriage. I remember he told us that "if you can survive that, your marriage will survive anything...no problem." I now know, we were tested in a different way. While I think I'd rather live in Europe for 2-3 years than what we've been through, that was not our decision to make. I know that after going through what we have been that life can throw us anything at any time, and we have to deal with it. I feel that we can get through anything together now. And I can only assume we will have plenty of life's unexpectancies come up again. And again. I'd rather go through them with some laughter and fun, then depression and melancholy.
Not only has my marriage strengthened, but my family ties have as well. When the news broke that we had lost the pregnancy, Nicholas, I was never more amazed by the outpouring of love and affection. You hear this in times of tragedy, and I always rolled my eyes. But I get it now...and it's unfathomable. Our home looked like a nursery and cards rolled in every day, non stop for over a week. My sister flew in as soon as she possibly could and my mom and day wouldn't leave us alone (in a good way). We had much needed shoulders to lean on, and soothing voices to ease our pain. We had a crazy dog who didn't know what the hell was going on but would lick away the tears, no questions asked. I know in any crisis, or in times of joy, my family will be at my beckon call. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to realize just how good you've got it.
Lastly, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Yes, the economy is bad and I'm directly affected by it. But nothing is worse than losing a child. No, I never got to know this child, but it was my child...I felt him kick. I bought his crib set and first onesie. After that, many things in life seem so irrelevant and stressed out. Who cares if Jessica Simpson gained some weight? Who cares if our flight was delayed 5 hours. Who cares if Bailey chewed another boot (well I did kind of care on that one!). My point is, I've realized that those inconsequential things shouldn't take over my life. I still have my worries and concerns, but my outlook on life has changed.
Not only have I benefited from infertility, but I got a sense that my timeline that so often feels off, is actually spot on. I thought thank goodness I'm not living in the suburbs with 2.2 kids and a white picket fence. Now this is something I yearn for, it hurts I want it so much. But if we had done this too early, had kids too early, or moved out of the city too early, it would have been...well, too early. Many of my friends already have 2 kids, and are living that life. Most of them have never been to Europe, Cabo, or to the vineyards in Napa Valley. Most of them don't have a social life on the weekends or meet friends out for dinner at the newest restaurant in the city. A few aren't working anymore and stay at home with 2 to 3 kids under the age of 4. I'm not making little of their lives, but for once, I was glad for where I was. See, I tend to get antsy, and feel the need for change. If I had done all of those things too early in my life or marriage, I would have felt suffocated. I would of course give up my life in the city and trade in my designer shoes for a baby, but I won't have to. No one can take away that I've been to Italy, Greece or Paris. No one can take away the pain I've felt. No one can take away my experiences.
For all these feelings I truly believe they will make me a better mother. I truly feel that I'm in the right place, at the right time. That I'm here, right now, for a reason. That when I get to the end of my life, I will know why this happened...and I will understand it. And believe it or not, I wouldn't trade it. Because it's unique to me, and whatever path we wind up down, or however we get our family, it will be ours and no one can take that away from us.
I first started thinking about all the good things infertility has brought in my life. While its hard to see the good things in it, I suddenly felt them at that point. I felt how it's made my marriage stronger. I remember when we first got married (6 years ago) and we were trying to move to Europe through Kevin's work. We were both excited and scared at the prospect, but would have jumped at that chance. I was hearing inklings at the time that it would be really rough on us, that Kevin would be working long hours, that I most likely wouldn't get work and would be home. Alone. In a foreign country with none of my friends or family. We were up for the challenge, but I'm not going to say our first year of marriage was a cake walk. So I was worried. One of Kevin's bosses that had lived in Europe much like we were trying to do told Kevin that after living in Europe on your own for a few years will only strengthen your marriage. I remember he told us that "if you can survive that, your marriage will survive anything...no problem." I now know, we were tested in a different way. While I think I'd rather live in Europe for 2-3 years than what we've been through, that was not our decision to make. I know that after going through what we have been that life can throw us anything at any time, and we have to deal with it. I feel that we can get through anything together now. And I can only assume we will have plenty of life's unexpectancies come up again. And again. I'd rather go through them with some laughter and fun, then depression and melancholy.
Not only has my marriage strengthened, but my family ties have as well. When the news broke that we had lost the pregnancy, Nicholas, I was never more amazed by the outpouring of love and affection. You hear this in times of tragedy, and I always rolled my eyes. But I get it now...and it's unfathomable. Our home looked like a nursery and cards rolled in every day, non stop for over a week. My sister flew in as soon as she possibly could and my mom and day wouldn't leave us alone (in a good way). We had much needed shoulders to lean on, and soothing voices to ease our pain. We had a crazy dog who didn't know what the hell was going on but would lick away the tears, no questions asked. I know in any crisis, or in times of joy, my family will be at my beckon call. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to realize just how good you've got it.
Lastly, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. Yes, the economy is bad and I'm directly affected by it. But nothing is worse than losing a child. No, I never got to know this child, but it was my child...I felt him kick. I bought his crib set and first onesie. After that, many things in life seem so irrelevant and stressed out. Who cares if Jessica Simpson gained some weight? Who cares if our flight was delayed 5 hours. Who cares if Bailey chewed another boot (well I did kind of care on that one!). My point is, I've realized that those inconsequential things shouldn't take over my life. I still have my worries and concerns, but my outlook on life has changed.
Not only have I benefited from infertility, but I got a sense that my timeline that so often feels off, is actually spot on. I thought thank goodness I'm not living in the suburbs with 2.2 kids and a white picket fence. Now this is something I yearn for, it hurts I want it so much. But if we had done this too early, had kids too early, or moved out of the city too early, it would have been...well, too early. Many of my friends already have 2 kids, and are living that life. Most of them have never been to Europe, Cabo, or to the vineyards in Napa Valley. Most of them don't have a social life on the weekends or meet friends out for dinner at the newest restaurant in the city. A few aren't working anymore and stay at home with 2 to 3 kids under the age of 4. I'm not making little of their lives, but for once, I was glad for where I was. See, I tend to get antsy, and feel the need for change. If I had done all of those things too early in my life or marriage, I would have felt suffocated. I would of course give up my life in the city and trade in my designer shoes for a baby, but I won't have to. No one can take away that I've been to Italy, Greece or Paris. No one can take away the pain I've felt. No one can take away my experiences.
For all these feelings I truly believe they will make me a better mother. I truly feel that I'm in the right place, at the right time. That I'm here, right now, for a reason. That when I get to the end of my life, I will know why this happened...and I will understand it. And believe it or not, I wouldn't trade it. Because it's unique to me, and whatever path we wind up down, or however we get our family, it will be ours and no one can take that away from us.
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