Back in the Saddle

So here we are again...back in the saddle that is branded with infertility. We have some new developments and are moving along.

First, as I think I have mentioned before, we have 5 snow babies, or 5 frozen embryos, or 5 babe-sycles...whatever you feel like calling them. Apparently our RE has a 95% success rate of thawing out these babes, and a little higher rate than his fresh cycles for success. I am, as always, cautiously optimistic. We might get a couple of goes with the frozen cycle. They thaw out 2, see how they do, and if they need to thaw a couple more, or one more, they will before our transfer. I am anxious to get it underway for a couple of reasons. One, I'm really almost at the point to put a stop to this madness. Not having my body belong to me anymore, succumbing to the infertility drugs, is getting old. We started our first IVF cycle 2 years ago. And ever since then I have been on some sort of fertility drugs or pregnancy. It's a long time, too long. It's just about time to move on. But there is still that bit of hope I am holding out that it will work.

In the meantime, I am starting our paper work for a Russian adoption. This is something that I've been thinking about for almost a year now. I did some research with it, and it just felt "right." There just seemed to be little signs everywhere. It's easiest and quickest to get a little boy from Russia, and I was pregnant with a boy. We named the baby Nicholas, and obviously the babies are given Russian names, like Nikolai. Air fare to Moscow is especially inexpensive from Chicago, and every day on our way into work and on my way home, I would see a huge billboard at one intersection from American about the Moscow non-stop flight. These might seem inane to some, but for me, it all started to add up.

We have been signed up for the general adoption class at the agency that I chose, but have missed it 2 or 3 times already. I went to sign up for another one a couple of weeks ago and found that they closed the Russian program. After a mild freak out, I called my sister who is in the process of adopting from Russia (weird coincidence, I have actually been thinking about it a lot longer than her, and she is just waiting for her referral). She told me about her agency that works nationally, so that is who we'll use for the Russian adoption. At first I was kind of bummed that she stole my thunder with the whole thing...but then I realized it's probably another sign, and if we do follow through it, how cool will that be to have cousins that are from the same country? And she can do it all first and tell me what to expect. She's been telling me what to expect my whole life anyway (with high school, college, soriety rush, moving to Chicago, doing triathlons, the list goes on and on).

I am all over the board with feelings, including fear, anxiety, stress, happiness, feeling like a weight is slowing lifting off my shoulders. But mostly I'm tired. I feel like I can't sleep enough and when I do sleep it's uneasy. I think my brain and my heart are just going through some changes. I know from the bottom of my heart that everything will be ok and work out how it's supposed to. I just need to keep pushing a bit to find the answers on our journey. Thankfully, I have the best husband in the world to take this journey with, so that of course makes it easier.

So, we are at the start of one journey, and ending another. We are still unsure where 2009 is going to take us, but it will be somewhere. And somewhere fantastic.

Friday Fun

Happy Friday! This week seemed very long to me. Maybe cuz I had a sick hubby at home, or maybe because the constant monotony of work seems to be never ending. Whatever the case, it's the first day of spring, so time for celebration! Yay! Hello, Mother Nature? Care to catch up to your season?

I was thinking about vacation because I desperately need one. And since I was up since 5am this morning for no apparent reason, I've been playing on the computer. Came across our Santa Barbara photos from last September that I kind of forgot about. This sign makes me smile.

Have a great weekend, and a big glass of wine if you feel so inclined!

Luck of the Irish

Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

Quiet Space

When I was in high school, we’d often go to retreats with our class at some location a few hours away. The locations were remote, with minimal distractions, and a kind of quiet that can often drive a city girl to insanity. I went to an All-Girls-Catholic High School, so these retreats were the norm since I can remember.

I remember one exercise where we had to close our eyes and someone took us through a visualization exercise. Vividly I remember that this woman asked us to find our happy place that we could escape to in our thoughts whenever we might need to. She really wanted us to think it through, and come up with some place that we had been, and that we loved, and was serene. To this day, when I can’t fall asleep because I have too much on my mind I go back to that place I thought up on that fateful day in high school. And often when I can’t get unsettlingly thoughts out of my head I sift through the thoughts in my mind to instantly go there.

I am walking on the beach in Florida, in Sanibel Island. I am wearing this wind breaker that I loved in high school, and no one else is around. I am walking by myself, and it’s pretty windy and I am just enjoying the sun on my skin, breeze in my curly hair, and soft crash of the waves. I hear an occasional sea gull. I pick up some shells every so often, but mostly, I’m just strolling. Whenever I “go here” I pretty much fall asleep instantly or just calm my nerves. I grew up going to Sanibel, almost every Christmas my family would pack up, leave the cold weather in Chicago and find ourselves planted on the beach. Every year we'd go back, I was another year older. Starting in 7th grade, I would have crushes on boys, to a high school boyfriend, to the stresses of getting through college, to finding a post college job. And finally, being able to bring my husband down with our family. Sanibel holds a lot of memories for me.

As I get older and more involved in life with work, family, baby making, I find it harder to escape to some place quiet. Perhaps that’s why I still use my high school quiet place, but it still works, so why mess with a good thing. I’ve tried using Italy, Greece or Hawaii for this exercise, but I find I just stress myself out thinking I want to go back to these places and it will be a little while before we get to go back. So I head to Sanibel Island in my high school wind breaker and jean shorts.

Lately, with the mundane winter, and blistery cold, I have found my own personal space at work during lunch. There is a huge hotel connected to my building. I have started going there almost every day during the lunch hour as a kind of escape. It’s pretty quiet, filled with business people chatting on self phones, or inconspicuously chanting a speech they are going to have to give in one of the hotels conference rooms. I find a huge comfy chair, and read my book, or just close my eyes and let the steady hum of the space clear my thoughts. I stay for about an hour and just watch business travelers, friends, families or couples come and go.

Today, I sat in an oversized, billowy chair reading my book. I kept reading the same line over and over again, because it was more fun to people watch instead of read. I finally did get into my book only to hear the subtle snores of a gentleman who had surrendered to the plush chair. I looked over at him, and he opened his eyes, seemingly embarrassed. But he just closed his eyes again and went back to sleep. I just closed my book, and packed up the remnants of my lunch to leave this man to his quiet space. But I didn’t mind, I can share a good thing when I find it.

Love Bug

Three and half years ago, I went to get a hair cut. It was getting chilly this Saturday in October, and we had just bought our new condo and were still getting things set up in our first home. We were so excited and every day Kevin came home from work there would be something new set up, or a new photo hung. This Saturday I was going to a new salon in our new neighborhood (which is scary enough). I got my haircut and decided to walk the mile or so home. I knew Kevin was at Home Depot getting some light bulbs and anything else we needed, so he wouldn't be able to pick me up. As I walked into our sparkly new home, I looked at Kevin sitting on the couch and he was pale. He looked sickened. He said, "I did something really bad." I thought, oh no, he bought a flat screen we can't afford, or he bought a ladder or something. I looked at the floor and saw that his favorite bowl (a nasty plastic orange bowl that he got out of Wheeties box when he was like 7 that no matter what you do to the thing it will just reappear) was on the floor with water in it. I walked around the couch and saw the tiniest, cutest little chocolate lab I'd ever laid eyes. I instantly fell in love.

(She was so tiny when we got her, she would hide under our chest)

We named her Bailey because we LOVE Bailey's (the liquor). Our wedding cake was also made with Bailey's (which was delicious btw). So it was perfect for our new little chocolate lab. And it sounds great whether you're screaming it, or petting her ears.

(Bailey likes to lay down on the dirty laundry while I'm sorting it...she won't get off of it)

In the past few years, Bailey has given us our full share of headaches. She has chewed our bedding, countless dog beds, pillows from our couch, shoes, brand new boots, towels, balls, toys, new furniture, old furniture...the list goes on. She got kicked out of dog boarding and we had to stop taking her to obedience classes because she couldn't sit still or stop barking. She's been sick too! She had worms when we first got her, and a couple of years ago, she got so sick that we were almost faced with that she wouldn't pull through. She has stolen raw Italian sausage off the counter when I was cooking. When you're sitting watching tv, she will run down the hall with your shoes, making you either get up, or take her out. She is oh so smart, and stubborn and completely lovable all wrapped into one.

(She almost died this day, but I was able to get a picture before I lost it)

But she has also turned into one of my strongest rocks. When we lost the baby and I was at home and Kevin had gone back to work...those were my darkest days. I needed them to be though. I needed to cry it out, all day long for as long as I needed. But every time a crying spell started Bailey would come up to lick my tears. The first few times she seemed concerned and would stare at me, but after numerous crying spells, she would come up, lick some tears and go back to sleep. She still does this if I cry.

(This is how we love her best, sleeping...but how cute...don't you want to just rub her ears?)

She seemed to sense that I needed her to be there, but also added in just enough "Bailey" to the mix so I remembered just who was boss. With every negative pregnancy test, and every tear shed Bailey has been right by my side. We've cuddled on the couch when I needed her most, just to feel a warm body next to me. But if I go into a deeper place, she doesn't let me sit there for very long. She throws herself into me, so I take her out with her ball. So that I need to snap out of it. If I'm cranky and want to be alone, I look to see Bailey staring at me, eyes penetrating to my sole, as if to say you still have me, and oh, you might want to put your shoes on take me outside with my ball.
So here's to my Love Bug, Pumpkin Munchkin, Sweets, Bails, Bailzers, Ms. B, Sweet Bailey B, Sweety Bs. I think I just embarrassed her.

The End Has No End

So what do we do after we've had another failed IVF cycle, our money is running out and we truly feel at the end of our rope? We pick up the pieces and move on. And we make a plan.

We have 5 snowbabies left from this cycle, though I don't have a lot of faith in frozen children. We've done these transfers before with no luck, so it's hard to remain optimistic. But we'll go ahead next month and unfreeze those babies and put them inside some warmth. And if it doesn't work, we also have a plan b.

So for now, we keep moving forward. We leave the past behind. We dry up our tears. We try to put some super glue on the broken hearts. We still make jokes and watch our favorite programs (24 is good again!!). We make plans with friends and have a glass of wine and some cupcakes. We grow even closer because life has so far given us a tough road, and if we didn't do it as a team, I know I'd be a few miles back at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere.

Truly, our end has no end...and whatever way we look at it, or whatever our frame of mind at the time, we must remember that is a good thing.

Friday Fun

I was going to do another post and started searching my pictures for the photo I wanted to post about. I came across this photo and thought it was just perfect for today. This is for anyone who needs a little luck today, or just a little hope.

I took this photo a couple of years ago when we were on vacation in Florida. We got to stay at Kevin's boss's house for a few days on this little island in Florida that doesn't allow cars. This house was AMAZING! It had 4 bedrooms, a huge deck, a hot tub (it was broken), and a heated pool. We went with my family and had such a great time. We'd go about our day, going up the resorts pool in the morning or going for a run, or shooting hoops. Then we'd drink copious amounts of alcohol at the bar. We'd all come home, get a cooler of beer and turn the heated pool up to over a hundred degrees and have hand stand contests. We all would then nap, and then later we would all cook dinner together, drink more wine and played clue until our fingers fell off. Kevin and I talk about that all time and how relaxed we were, and how we are dying to go back!

The first day there we went up to the roof of the house and it had just rained a bit. This is what we were welcomed with on our first day of vacation. Here's my weekend gift to you...