Coming Clean

I've been keeping the latest and greatest of our baby journey to myself lately. As I've mentioned before, usually when we do an IVF cycle, I like to keep the details to myself. My last cycle (which we kind of said would be the last) I shared more of what was happening, but that doesn't come naturally to me. I'm a pretty private person, unless you get to know me and then I never shut up. This blog was a way to help share feelings, and also a way for me to keep on going after we lost Nicholas. Just a way to see positive, and not let myself get so down about things. And I was surprised to learn that it actually worked! When I forced myself to think positive thoughts, I found I was actually thinking them in real life. I know we're not being punished by the big guy, and I like to think that He (or She) is rooting right along for us.

We have officially decided to do another round of IVF. We had a nasty break-up with our old doctor (I kid, but it sounds better with more drama), and I found a new love right away. I hope he's not a rebound relationship because I really like how this doctor views IVF, how he looks for the latest and greatest, and I REALLY liked how organized and prepared he was for my first appointment.* I asked so many questions and I think he quickly learned that I know how IVF works better than most, and he was patient and kind and answered everything. He didn't b.s. me and say that he will get me pregnant. Which, strangely, I liked. I don't need someone getting my hopes up, I'm all too familiar with how things can sometimes only get worse.

So I will be starting this IVF cycle somewhat soon, and will share details as I see fit. Part of that reason is that I'm not ready to wear it on my sleeve. I know how fortunate we are to be able to have another go at it, and I'm also scared. I think at this point, I'm actually more scared of it working. I'm scared of a miscarriage, of a baby not growing, of something bad happening. I'm almost at the point of resigning myself that pregnancy might just not be in the cards for me. Almost. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm knocking on it's door. I'm also scared of it not working. Of having to open the next door in our lives. So, what works best for me? Stuffing it all under the bed until I actually have to deal with it. Sometimes it works in that things just go away, and sometimes it comes to bite me in the ass.

But for now, I'm coming clean. And it scares the crap out of me.

*Almost every time Kevin and I had an appt with our old doctor, he was never prepared, and didn't even know why were there. When we actually got pregnant and had that first u/s appt, we walked in so excited and he sat us down, and apologized for the cycle not working. NOT what you want to hear when you think you're pregnant and have spent lots o' money and worry on IVF treatments. We SHOULD have walked out then, but we gave him the benefit of the doubt and explained that the cycle worked!...not sure why we stayed...but I try not think about that...except, of course, for right now.