Treadmill vs. Hot Tub

This morning Kevin had to be at work early for a meeting so I dropped him off and decided to head to my gym which is across the street from my work. I had thoughts of just sitting in the hot tub there, or just taking a hot shower and getting ready for work. I drive to work often, and it's a valet parking lot. So I feel like I know my valet guys, and they crack me. They all have broken English so we just smile and nod a lot at each other. This morning I gave the morning valet my keys and he looked up at me, surprised and exclaimed..."you're workeeng out thees morning?! AWRIGHT!" I kind of grunted and smiled, "yes...it's a miracle huh?" He just smiled back, seemingly happy for me. At least I have the valet guys rooting me on. I ditched the hot tub/steam room idea and did some walking (let's not crazy at 7:30am with any running or anything).

Why is it so hard to motivate lately? Economy, weather, work is boring, no baby? All of the above? Most likely. I figured if I am out of a job anytime soon, I could be a personal trainer or something. I think that interview would go something like this...

Happy Friday, and have a great weekend!

I Hate the Cold

And I hate saving money, or, not spending money. These two might not seem to go hand in hand, but they certainly do...in my world anyway.

This morning I started my day out by begging and begging and begging Kevin to give me a ride to work...in the snow...in the cold...he regretfully declined. We only have one car, and he had to drive to the suburbs, which is strange it always seems he has to drive to the suburbs on snowy days.

With no ride, I left my house at 8:15am, to wait for the bus. By 8:35, still no bus showed up. I started walking down to the cab stand, which is 4 blocks down. In the snow...in the cold. I get there to see a line 10 people deep. That is never a good thing. I also see my bus (finally) fly by with no opportunity to hop on, so I'm stuck in the cab line. I've been a crazy lady trying to save money lately, so I've been taking the "El" and bus system more these days, and trying to avoid the cabs. I really didn't want to take a cab this morning, but soon it was 8:50 and I had to be at work at 9am! So I waited and waited in the cab line. I saw an ambulance parked and thought maybe if I faked fainting they'd throw me in and drive me to Northwestern Hospital which is a mere 3 blocks from my work. At least I'd get a ride and get out of the cold.

After more waiting in the line, I think I felt a tear escape my eye. I start talking to my fellow cab line peers, about how long the wait was, where all the cabs were...you know, cab line speak. THEN....we see the unthinkable. The unimaginable. We still had 7 people left in the cab line, and I was number 2! So close. A cab pulls up but stops short of the line, and a girl from out of nowhere, jumps into the cab!! Everyone in the line starts screaming "cheater!!! cheater!" at her (myself included). You've got to love Chicago. I think a few people flicked her off too. I would have but I was so cold I was losing feeling in my extremities.

Finally, after a call to my boss at 9:05am, it was my turn for the cab. I got to work to find everyone else was running late as well. I kept my puffer winter coat and boots on until noon, because I couldn't warm up.

So I hate the cold. I hate trying to save money because if we weren't, I'd just have walked down the to the cab stand, waited for a few minutes and gotten a cab. But I will not stop in my quest to save a dollar, I will just find warmer ways to do it.

Coming Clean

I've been keeping the latest and greatest of our baby journey to myself lately. As I've mentioned before, usually when we do an IVF cycle, I like to keep the details to myself. My last cycle (which we kind of said would be the last) I shared more of what was happening, but that doesn't come naturally to me. I'm a pretty private person, unless you get to know me and then I never shut up. This blog was a way to help share feelings, and also a way for me to keep on going after we lost Nicholas. Just a way to see positive, and not let myself get so down about things. And I was surprised to learn that it actually worked! When I forced myself to think positive thoughts, I found I was actually thinking them in real life. I know we're not being punished by the big guy, and I like to think that He (or She) is rooting right along for us.

We have officially decided to do another round of IVF. We had a nasty break-up with our old doctor (I kid, but it sounds better with more drama), and I found a new love right away. I hope he's not a rebound relationship because I really like how this doctor views IVF, how he looks for the latest and greatest, and I REALLY liked how organized and prepared he was for my first appointment.* I asked so many questions and I think he quickly learned that I know how IVF works better than most, and he was patient and kind and answered everything. He didn't b.s. me and say that he will get me pregnant. Which, strangely, I liked. I don't need someone getting my hopes up, I'm all too familiar with how things can sometimes only get worse.

So I will be starting this IVF cycle somewhat soon, and will share details as I see fit. Part of that reason is that I'm not ready to wear it on my sleeve. I know how fortunate we are to be able to have another go at it, and I'm also scared. I think at this point, I'm actually more scared of it working. I'm scared of a miscarriage, of a baby not growing, of something bad happening. I'm almost at the point of resigning myself that pregnancy might just not be in the cards for me. Almost. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm knocking on it's door. I'm also scared of it not working. Of having to open the next door in our lives. So, what works best for me? Stuffing it all under the bed until I actually have to deal with it. Sometimes it works in that things just go away, and sometimes it comes to bite me in the ass.

But for now, I'm coming clean. And it scares the crap out of me.

*Almost every time Kevin and I had an appt with our old doctor, he was never prepared, and didn't even know why were there. When we actually got pregnant and had that first u/s appt, we walked in so excited and he sat us down, and apologized for the cycle not working. NOT what you want to hear when you think you're pregnant and have spent lots o' money and worry on IVF treatments. We SHOULD have walked out then, but we gave him the benefit of the doubt and explained that the cycle worked!...not sure why we stayed...but I try not think about that...except, of course, for right now.

Not a Dirty Word

Today is a slow day at work so I decided to get on my new IVF doctor's website. He does everything online, and has a wealth of information on his website. He has probably 25 articles about the latest and greatest in IVF research, articles about facts and fiction about IVF, and even some popular stories we've read in the news. He posted not too long about cutting out the caffeine, tobacco (obviously) and alcohol for IVF. Well I don't smoke and have the occasional glass of wine. Going cold turkey on caffeine might be tougher though, but I think it's time I switch to decaf.

As I was reading through some of the articles, he was giving kudos to some of the celebrities who have come forward about their fertility woes. I knew Marcia Cross (Bree from Desperate Housewives) did IVF instead of going on a honeymoon just over 2 years ago, but did you know she used an egg donor? I was stunned to learn this (and slightly perplexed because I'm usually in the know of celebrity gossip). I remember reading the article in People after she had the twins, and thinking it was so great that she came out and said she did IVF. What some of the publications did not report was that the eggs are not technically hers. She has said this herself in other articles.

Courtney Cox (from Friends) is another celebrity that we know has done IVF. She recently stated that she and her husband might try for another baby, and that she'd have to do IVF again. Say it out loud, sista!

Lastly, I also just learned that Elizabeth Edwards (Jon Edwards wife) likely used egg donors for her 2 youngest children. She had them when she was 48 and 50, and 99.9% of the time, women stop producing eggs by the time they are 45. She won't admit to this, she has been quoted as saying that "it wouldn't be lady like to comment." She did say she used fertility treatments to get pregnant, just didn't elaborate. I get it though. I can only imagine how personal of a decision that would be, and something to be kept close to the vest if one chooses.

I wish fertility treatments and infertility didn't have to be such dirty words. I'd love to think of a way to unite all women to be able to be free with what is going on if they are dealing with infertility. Women come together to participate in breast cancer walks, march against gun violence or attend charity functions for spinal cord injuries. But what about our fight against infertility and getting the word out there. We don't judge women in our society for getting breast cancer, but for some reason when we know a woman is having a hard time getting pregnant the whispers ensue.

So thanks to the celebrities or women who have started the charge. Let us infertiles, IVFer's, IUI'ers, egg donor recipients and adoption choosers continue to get the (non-dirty) word out.

Florida Trip - Part 2

So you'd think we had already had all the excitement one trip could take. But things only got more interesting!

Day 3
We all woke up a little "groggy" from the beer and wine drinking the night before. I slept in a bit, and we had spa appointments at 11am about 30 minutes away. We were really trying to not spend a lot of money this trip, but I was SO looking forward to the 80 minute massage I had booked. We get our things together, head out to the car. My mom turns the key and the car is dead. Nada. Nothing. We just sit there staring for a minute. A little background on the car, my parents just bought a '97 Cadillac from a "little old lady" who lives in the next town over. They did not see the car, just couldn't pass up the great deal and my dad kept saying...I really trust this woman. Uh huh. You can probably tell where this is going. This humongous '97 Cadillac has given everyone nothing but problems so far, and now (gasp!) our spa appointments were in jeopardy. My sister called AAA, and about 90 minutes later, a big burly blond mechanic shows up. He fixes the car quickly, but we have still missed our appointments. We rescheduled so not a problem. As the mechanic is leaving, my mom lunges for his big gold necklace and starts inspecting it because there is a charm on it that she can't figure it what it was (a tow truck). My sister and I are HORRIFIED! Was she drunk or something? Who does that? He kind of looks at us, like what the hell is this lady doing? He leaves with no other inappropriate touching, we have a talk with my mom, and we head to the pool. We laid out, finally went to our spa appointments, and went to a restaurant that was right on the beach. Sat outside because gosh dammit we're in Florida and it's 20 degrees in Chicago, and we need to make this count. But it was delicious nonetheless and we headed back home.

Day 4
Got up, went for a run, and packed up our belongings. My mom was cleaning the condo and we just tried to stay out of her way, er, I mean help out. We had our flights at 5pm, so we headed back to Naples for some window shopping and lunch, and caught some of the inauguration. Headed back to the condo, waited for the cab and made our way to the airport. Checked in, we about to board and found out the windshield on the plane was cracked. They originally canceled the flight, but then moved it back to 10pm. Having spent enough time with my mom to last a few months, I went and bought enough magazines to tide me over. We then went to drink margaritas and eat our weight in chips and salsa for dinner. Waited for the flight for another couple of hours and watched this mom with 3 very young kids. The little boy (about 18 months) did...not...stop. Ever. I was tired watching him. They were hiding under the chairs (gross) and running around the corridor. I don't blame them, we were all a little punchy. I looked at my mom and said...maybe Kevin and I should just get another dog instead of...you know...have some kids. She looked at me and didn't disagree.

Finally home at 1am this morning, greeted by my pup and sleeping husband. Great trip, happy to be home.

Florida Trip

A quick round up of the trip to the Bonita so far....

Day 1
My mom and I flew in ok. the flight was fairly uneventful, accept for the 1/2 blind girl who sat next to me who kept calling people before we took off. she called like 4 people asking if they were going to pick her up, and then hang up in 10 seconds saying she needed to get off the phone. she didn't. it was weird. and her coat kept going over to my "side" of the seat. annoying. my sister picked us up, we dropped our bags off at the condo and we went to "The Fish House." as we were sitting down my mom said, "they have really GREAT fish here!" hope so, given the name. margaritas later, we went grocery shopping. laid out by the pool, it got too hot in the sun (i have a little burn) and we then got ready for dinner. my sister was in the shower and we heard a loud boom and we thought she fell on her head. my mom and i ran in there and the shower curtain rod fell, so my mom and i held it up while she finished her shower. oh so classy. had dinner down in naples, delicious. at the end of the meal, i asked for a dessert champagne. he mentioned he had rosa regale. I LOVE rosa regale! I went into a 5 minute long diatribe about how my sister-in-law had it at her wedding, and that's how i started loving it. I then went on to tell him that I bought my aunt mary a bottle one christmas but decided to drink it all before i gave it to her. i had to go buy her another alcohol that i less loved, so i wouldn't drink it again. he finally walked away. delicious rosa regale though.

Day 2
woke up, drank some tar/coffee that my mom made. didn't feel really great, but went for a run anyway. tried to do the 4 mile route, but ended up doing the 3 mile route which really turned into the 2 mile route. oh well, i tried. ran errands, new shower curtain (still not up), so we don't have to hold it up for each other anymore. that will be nice. went to get some mudslide mix for when we lay out by the pool. decided we needed a bag of ice so my mom went over to grab a bag. we look over and she took the thing and body slammed it onto the floor. on purpose. ice everywhere. she just wanted to break it up. really? right in the middle of the store? I felt like i was watching my dog try to get the treat out of the kong by slamming the thing on the floor so the treat breaks into little bits, thus coming out of the kong. she's genius (my dog) really. the 90 year old woman working there thought my mom was absolutely insane. she said if you just "squish" it with your fingers, that should break it up just fine. embarrassing, we left there and found out my mom just left the extra ice on the floor, so we drove a little faster. came back to the condo, relaxed by the pool and drank said mudslides with said ice. went for pizza at doc's and watched the sunset. played peek a boo with a 1 year old who thought i was the equivalent of elmo. after 3 coronas and lots of wine, we made it back to the car. i sat down and to hear a loud tear....hole. in. crotch. of. jeans. what to do? go out for another drink, obviously. 30 minutes later we find this hidden restaurant my sister had to find. have a drink, leave, and my very conservative accountant sister says "ape shit" in front of my mom. doesn't sound funny, but was really funny actually. back at the condo, ready to sleep. another day tomorrow...

I'm Out Like Jean Shorts

Well folks...here is some Friday Fun for you. The economy sucks, the weather sucks and I'm leaving! I'm heading to Florida for a few days. Found a ticket for $100 not too long ago, and recruited my mom and sister so we'll be making it a girls weekend. It can't come at a better time I tell ya! It's -10 degrees in Chicago making it 80 degrees warmer in Florida.

Also, if you are a People reader, pick up this weekend's issue with Patrick Swayze on the cover. There's an article about my "friend" Matt Logelin. He did respond to one of my comments before, so yes, he is now "friend" status. I'd really like to be his friend and babysit Maddy sometime, so doesn't that count? Oh yeah, Jennifer Aniston is my friend too...so there.

Have a great LONG weekend if you've got one, and Happy Inauguration Day on Tuesday!