Footprints

I'm not sure the first time I read the poem Footprints in the Sand.  But I do remember the feeling that came over me after I read it.  There was just something about it that I loved, even at the young age that I read it.  I loved the "surprise" ending of learning that, when this person felt the most abandoned in his/her life it was at those times that God was carrying them.  It still affects me obviously.  It was also one of my Grandma's favorite poems and now in our guest room we have a frame with the poem that she kept in her room until her very last days.

When I'm going through a particularly hard time I always think, "is it so bad right now that God is carrying me?"  I often hear myself say a resounding no.  I know I'm strong enough to get through most situations, but there are times when I know I'm getting a little help.  When the adoption fell through, I felt so completely out of my mind.  We couldn't get out of Utah fast enough, and I couldn't stop crying. But I also felt relieved.  I went to sleep that night, or really the next night when we got home, and just knew with all my being that I was being carried.  And boy, did I need it. 

I'm not an overly religious person, and since I went to parochial school for my entire life, I feel I've had enough structured religion to last me a lifetime.  But I do still pray almost every day.  I very rarely pray asking for something.  I just don't like to constantly ask for a baby, or more money, or for a better job.  I usually try to just say thanks for what we have already been given.  But last week I prayed that we'd get some answers...that there would be a sign of some sort to point the way.  A few weeks before that, I had made an appointment at the number two IVF clinic in the entire county which is right in NYC.  We couldn't get in until mid April, which was about two months from the time I made the appt.  Well the day after I prayed for something I got a call that there was a cancellation this past Friday.  Now I didn't take this a sign that IVF was really our chosen path, but I did take it that I was getting some help in moving along the process to get some answers.

The appointment went pretty well and we really liked the doctor.  He went through our phone book of medical records and asked all the appropriate questions.  He thinks I may have endo and wants to do a laparoscopy, which I scheduled for April.  K has to go through a bunch of testing as well, so we are currently in the process of doing all that.  We are not 100% sure we will move forward with IVF, but it's definitely on the table. 

So where does that leave us with adoption?  Well...that would be a good question.  We were burned by it, and we are still healing from it.  We are over the family, but now we are gun-shy.  I'm also not sure we're cut out for domestic.  I give so much credit to those adoptive parents who can do it, but I'm not sure I will be able to connect with another birthmom.  I'm not sure right now I want to.  If we do adopt, we're leaning toward international.  But those are just our thoughts at the present moment.

But for now, we are just taking our time. We definitely want to move forward with something, but right now we are content to just get some answers about IVF, ease back into things and get ready for summer.  We are also taking a much needed vacation to some sun and sand soon. 

I still feel that I'm being carried right now, more so than ever.  And for now, I'm just fine with that.